First world problems

I recently heard someone comment that they "wish people would stop whinging about their first world lives".

It's an interesting concept a first- world life.

Wikipedia says Terms similar to developed country include "advanced country", "industrialized country", "'more developed country" (MDC), "more economically developed country" (MEDC), "Global North country", "first world country", and "post-industrial country".

Australia ranks 2nd only behind Norway as the most "highly developed" country as at 2 November 2011 according to the IMF.

To take the statement on face value alone, it implies that everyone living in a developed country, such as most of Europe, Northern America, Australia, New Zealand, Japan, South Korea etc etc have nothing in their life that is justifiably "bad enough" to feel anything but happiness.

There's such a wide spectrum of things you could look at here though: from the twink who is too drunk to reapply his eyeliner nicely and states "FML" in the bathroom at a party, to residents in the North of Japan who have not only lost their homes, jobs and possibly family members in the recent Tsunami to having residual worries about radiation from the Fukushima Nuclear plant potentially affecting their and their children's lives for the perceivable future.

Both "problems" to the individuals involved, occuring in the "First world", but result in vastly different outcomes for the short and long term lives of the individuals.

What if you live in, for example, Greece? As a country likely to drop off several definitions of "first world" country soon, does this mean they suddenly have their problems justified for whinging about? Is poverty in Australia less worthy than poverty in Uzbekistan?

Perhaps a "first-world problem" is complaining about circumstances only likely to be encountered in highly developed countries, such as "I hate it when iTunes won't sync with my iPhone" or "the damned Government put a cap on the baby bonus, now my husband and I won't get it when our child is born, as we have a combined income of over $150k", or "I paid sooo much tax last year because my income is in the highest bracket". These would be more frivolous worries for sure.

At the end of the day, you never know what someone else's thoughts or feelings about an issue are, or what is happening in their life for a reaction to occur in a circumstanced you perceive it shouldn't. To say that someone else's problems are not valid is very insular and narrow minded. That person you see who appears to have a good life, but is depressed shouldn't "just get over it"- as you probably don't know what is really happening, and having a Mercedes or house does not solve all your problems.  Do you know they didn't recently lose a child, partner or friend? Do you know they don't have cancer, are living in an abusive situation or have been raped?


Consider the road less traveled- instead of socially ostracising them because you don't like to hear how they're feeling down, try listening, or even trying to understand. At the very least, try not to make it worse by being judgmental or bitchy!

A Cleansing Enema

When I lived in Asia, there was a certain cohort of individuals who would pop across to Thailand once or twice a year for a "retreat". At said retreat, they would receive daily enemas.

These individuals claimed that they went for the health benefits, and the refreshing cleansing it provided.

I don't know about you, but personally I don't find the idea of having a hose up my butt and having water pumped up there very refreshing. Never mind that they're probably using tap water in Asia to perform these procedures, which is not treated to the same standards as here, and would be likely to carry bacteria, parasites and if you're really lucky, there may even be other human fecal matter present, carrying something like hepatitis... Mmm- cleansing!

For those who know even the slightest bit about biology, you will probably know that to keep your bowels healthy you just need to have a good diet. The thing which "cleanses" if you like is fibre, as consumed through vegetables, fruit and grains. As these pass through the body, they will eventually exit in a natural fashion... that's right- exit- not enter- that way.

I'm going straight with the Wikipedia quote on this one, because it really cannot be put more clearly or accurately: No scientific evidence supports the alleged benefits of colon cleansing. The bowel itself is not dirty and barring drugs, disease or mechanical blockage, cleans itself naturally without assistance.

One individual told me you can get different "flavours" of enema, such as caffeine to "invigorate your system".

Okay, so firstly- your rectum can taste? Not that I've ever tried, but I'm imagining mine can't, so flavours may be going a lil far. Call me old fashioned perhaps, but personally I  DRINK my caffeine, and enjoy flavours through my MOUTH. Unless you happen to be other-than-the-front segment of a human caterpillar, I really see no purpose to the aforementioned flavouring!


As the survival of such clinics show, the industry is not suffering in the economic pressures since the GFC (that's global financial crisis, not Geelong Football Club btw, although they have been know to also give people the shits), and I was bemused by some advertising that popped up in my google research that said "Winter Cleanse Special - Bring A Friend Only $70 each". With the loss of popularity of open communal toilets since the Roman empire, I would have thought there are some things in this world that were not considered group activities, but it would appear not.

I would truly love to know what Sigmund Freud would have to say about these individuals, and about the existence of colonic irrigation clinics in general. It takes a truly "special" individual in my mind to pay someone to stick a hose up your butt- and a whole new level of stupidity.

Christmas with the Atheists

While this Christian festival has never had a religious meaning for me, that doesn't mean it is meaningless.

Aside from the chocolate, presents, turkey, salmon, chocolate, prawns, wine, chocolate, mince pies, pudding, chocolate, cherries, shortbread and chocolate, it's a time to think about family and friends, spending time to show that you care- mostly with chocolate.

I spent the morning at RSPCA sharing some love with some forgotten little souls, as the day would otherwise be a very lonely one for them- with no staff or visitors around to talk to them. Even more sad are those who are there because their family was going away and didn't want to pay for a boarding kennel, so dumped them instead.

On the way home I was dismayed, as always, with the way people were driving- maniacally swerving in and out of lanes, overtaking and speeding. If you are running 10 minutes late for lunch- so what? Do you really think that your presents will evaporate, lunch will be served without you or your family will kick you out because you arrived slightly after what you had planned?

As the original religiousity of this date has dwindled and petered out to near non-existence, and the capitalist spending flurry takes a rest between the present-shopping panic to the sales frenzy ahead, I thin a lot of people are missing the point. Think beyond not getting that CD you wanted, or how much you belly aches after gorging yourself too much, appreciate those around you and perhaps give a little love.

Fashion victims #2

This is beginning to look like a regular segment, as I am endlessly amused by the horrendous crap that people are inticed to part with their money for.

Introducing "Orange Mystique Pants ". I'm thinking to mystique is why someone would actually want to own them. Pink and orange are a nasty colour clash, and in this instance have been put together into something that personally I'd be ashamed to dress a toddler in.

Described as 100% silk, resort style glamour-  well at least this is somewhat honest. If by resort you mean sitting on the beach in thailand and being convinced that those fisherman pants etc they sell in the stalls nearby are an excellent investment, but inevitably on return to Australia they sit in the wardrobe never to reappear.

Much unlike the $5 Thai fisherman pant though, this article will set you back a whopping $178 AUD. Adding more evidence to the arguement that having wealth doth not indicate fiscal sense. Gold star to the clever designer for once again recognising that a fool and his money are easily parted.

The 100% silk says to me- this fabric, if worn on the beach or "resort", unlike your cheap cotton Thai fisherman pants, will cling to your sweaty arse and leave large butt-sweat patterns as well. Possibly camouflaged only by the nasty colours and patterns of the fabric itself the designer at least gets half a point for practicality there.

But on the topic of practicality, may I ask wtf this is?:

It appears to be some kind of footwear, and yet the hideousness of both the colour and the err... heel/ Platform/ Wedge concoction going on there makes it look far more like an appropriate weapon to club someone over the head with than put on your foot.

High heels were originally for men- short men such as Louis XIV who wanted to improve their manly stature by being less of a shortarse. Men soon realised that they were uncomfortable and impractical things to wear though, and as such, encouraged women to wear them, so they would be easier to "catch" as they had lost any ability to run away in such footwear.

The above article strikes me as being designed in this traditional sense, in that you are being made the victim or a cruel ruse- one that is designed to take advantage of your wallet in this case.

At least the following garment is fairly self- explanatory, in that it has its purpose and marketing strategy written all over it. Literally:

I believe "Holiday romance" is a polite paraphrase of "random shag" or "quick fuck" here, as certainly this dress is designed for- yes that's right folks, it's a dress, not a singlet, according to the designers.

Not only does it come with a premade advert for you as to what you're seeking, it further minimalises your tarting efforts being being both ludicrously short enough that you wouldn't even have to hitch it up- just part the thighs and pork away. Boob access is also evidently not hindered by such inconvenient things as sleeves, fastenings or... well... even fabric.

Fortunately (?) this item is available at the bargain price of $21.95 ( and, evidently, such is the price of your dignity) rendering it affordable to even the welfare-dependent tramps out there.

No hidden agendas here- actually no hidden anything. I recommend pairing this item with a Britney-esque lack of undergarments to maximise the effect.

Quote of the day- Richard Bach

 The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid. We fear we will not find love, and when we find it we fear we'll lose it. We fear that if we do not have love we will be unhappy.

-Richard Bach

Seems some concepts are timeless and universal.

Honesty vs Sexpectations

How honest do you really expect people to be?

As adults, if you have grown up in Australia, it is reasonable to assume that you will have had at least some level of education or information made available to you regarding STIs and how they are transmitted.

Even if you didn't grow up here, we have campaigns on the backs of toilet doors, accompanying con dom advertisements, and television- the media for the masses- with such famous campaigns as the Grim Reaper for HIV.

On a side note-

a more recent TV ad with underpants on a washing line telling us that 1 in 8 people has herpes.

http://www.thefacts.com.au/on-tv/

Someone in the office once commented on that ad, saying "yuck- I just wish they wouldn't play that when I'm watching TV, especially around dinner time ". Despite that individual's disgust, conversation ensued around the message of the ad, with people tlkaing about the 1 in 8 statistic. It can't be true- surely it's not. Why not I asked? It's a normal thing, and can happen to anyone. Oh sure but... [insert dismissive mumblings] was the general reply. Why not- I pressed, in fact on this floor in the office we have about 50 people? So statistically 5 or 6 people are living with it in this room alone.

Oh you cannot imagine the awkward silence that fell over everyone. Smiles and giggles gone, replaced by horrified blank faces, an almost universal avoidance of eye contact, followed by chairs rotating back to workstations as the distasteful thought settled in to their NIMBY-ist minds.

Had I really pushed them that far? The lack of willingness to accept a simple epidemiological reality was that troubling, in a room of people with an average of a Masters degree each, working in a health focused government agency?!

To return to the original complainant, who felt the ad made them uncomfortable. You don't want to have to think about it? Hmm... Don't you think that could perhaps be the POINT of the campaign? (Ok admittedly the campaign is froma  private company trying to sell a product to treat it, but part of the point...) We try to avoid reality. Things always happen to other people, not me or my friends.

So it's a reasonable assumption that people know these things are out there. What's not always known is:

i) if people know or acknowledge they have the infection. "err... it must be a sore from my underwear rubbing"

ii) if they will tell you they have it. "no of course I've never had an STI... no I've never had a test, but I would know...", "do you have condom?" "me either".... "oh well"

Most people's reactions to contracting something are:

a) embarrassment at having to seek treatment

b) feeling upset/ hurt that someone didn't tell them

What most will tend to overlook is their own personal responsibility in the situation. Why didn't you take the necessary steps to avoid the situation? You knew STIs existed, yet you chose not to use a condom.

Assuming someone will tell you is a nice idea, that the world operates in an open and honest way, but fairly naive, and possibly unreasonable too. If you know, with all the information available to you that there is a chance it will happen you should be reasonably expected to take some responsibility for the situation. This has also been tested legally, although the rulings are not always consistent- there have been cases where people have tried to sue the person who infected them with HIV, and lost- as they didn't take reasonable precautions to protect themselves. Interestingly this upsets a lot of people  - with statements like "they should HAVE TO TELL a partner"!! ( Obviously HIV is an extreme example, but you get similar reactions to something very common and easily treates, like eg Chalmydia. )

Apply the same logic to another situation: roads and traffic. People know there are cars. People know that being hit by a car will hurt. People know there are reasonable precautions they can take, like crossing at a pedestrian crossing, or even looking before they cross the road. If you then walk out into traffic, ignoring this knowledge, and have your leg broken by the vehicle that hits you, you are the one who was at fault- not the driver of the vehicle. 

I'm not saying anyone should be ashamed if they happen to contract an STI, but you should take responsibility for your own actions and your health- no one else will!

3 stages- Don't get pregnant, Won't get pregnant, Can't get pregnant,

Commentary on the article:

http://www.bionews.org.uk/page_48398.asp

Professor Gedis Grudzinskas

Director of Fertility Focus Professional Services (FFPS is an expert, unaffiliated, independent, multi-disciplinary, international network of infertility specialists)

Grudinskas' article described the modern western woman's 3 stages of fertility as:

- Don't get pregnant

- Won't get pregnant, and

- Can't get pregnant

The first, "Don't get pregnant" describes presumably the teens and early to mid 20s, where sexuality is being explored, and the focus is on having fun with the aim being, at all costs- "Dont get pregnant!".

The second stage the "Won't get pregnant" was described as being the professional years, around 25-35, where women are focussing on their jobs, traveling and trying to build a successful life outside of a procreation focussed model.

The third was described as "Can't get pregnant", when on reaching the stage where women do want to have children, they realise they're in their mid to late 30s or *god forbid* LATER, and have trouble conceiving.

Prof Grudinskas is an infertility specialist. He profits financially and professionally from other people's infertility. While I'm sure he's heard every story as to why people are seeking his help to conceive, he applies a sexist social schema to the situation which is not only insulting to women, but unhelpful too.

The author also suggested a few reasons for women having children later such as "holding out to find prince charming". While I can see his (of course, the author was male!) points to a certain extent, I mostly found these comments insulting and incredibly judgemental of women's reproductive "choices". To lay the full blame for a low birth rate in Australia solely on women's shoulders, and condemn them for the social consequences of this shows how certain fields of sexism are still very much alive and kicking.

This can be easily seen by substituting male for female in the above arguements. There is nowhere near the same expectation for men to have children on the same kind of timeline, partly because they can produce viable sperm until a much later age, giving them an extra 10- 20 years to forge a career, relationships and other aspects of life. If men are still single at 35 they dont get anywhere near the pitying looks, and if they choose to remain single for life- hey they're a bachelor, no problem. The word spinster, though carries connotations of being single because there's something wrong with you rather than having made an active lifestyle choice.

Presumably the women who have decided there is no right/wrong time/man when and with whom to start their family. With the ticking clock symbolism the author spread throughout his piece, he suggests that women are "too picky" of who should father their children, and should "settle" for one of the thousands of decent guys who are around. " I would ask- have you told them that- These "decent blokes"? "Hey mate, some chick wants to marry you and have kids, though she doesn't really like you, but the clock is ticking!". Something tells me this is when most males would push the eject button, not say "Awesome- sign me up!".


What kind of relationship he thought this would foster in terms of providing good parenting for any resulting children of the relationship I don't know.

To some, the prospects of divorce, redundancy, compromised career progress and the drudgery of motherhood replacing a responsibility-free social life lead to further delays.

Mummy and Daddy didn't really want me, but they felt pressured to breed as Mummy's ovaries were about to spontaneously combust and take down all of society with them in her failure to procreate on schedule.

Alternatively, wuold he have women down the pub, trawling for sperm? "Anyone for a root- I'm ovulating... errr I mean horny." Excellent- just what the country neds is more unknown fathers and welfare -dependant single mothers. But shit- look out- you're 33, and if you don't meet someone in the next 6 months, then you won't have a baby by 35, then *gasp* it's the armageddon!

I suppose for myself I lie somewhere between the Won't get pregnant and Can't get pregnant categories.

I'm 30, childless and single. Through Prof Grudinskas' lenses this must be because I'm hugely career focused or reject all these adequate males which must be thrust at me constantly in my life, or don't want to "inconvenience" myself with children. I assure you this is not the case- I like working, but am in no way wed to my job or driven with hunger for career success or prestige. I would love to have children, and ideally would like to be having them now, but life hasn't transpired that way for me.

Fantastic as it is for those who met their dream partner at 25, dated for 3 years, got married and had children at 29-32 (well done- gold star for you all) should those of us who didn't experience this set of circumstances run down the pub and jump on the first cock I find? Brings a whole new meaning to "fell" pregnant:

"I was walking along the street when I happened to trip and land on an ejaculating penis."

"Oh that's lucky Sas- you're 30 after all, and were about to spontaneously combust!"

So no- I won't get pregnant this way, sorry Prof Grudinskas. Aside from the initial unappealing logistics of shagging some random creep, I would then be faced with:

- losing my house as taking maternity leave I wouldnt be able to maintain mortgage payments

and/ or- chucking the resulting progeny into childcare at 3 months old, resulting in poor parental bonding, lower rates of breast feeding, a far more stressed out parent

- a lower overall birth rate: Think you could do this once as a single parent? Try doing it 2-3 times and see how your socio-economic status and sanity is faring!

And then we enter the Can't get pregnant, but Ill leave that for another day as I think this was a sufficiently long rant on the topic for now!

RIP Blossom 1991-2011.

Its funny the way animals burrow their way into your hearts, with all their quirks and neurotic behaviours.

We got Blossom as an adult cat, so I'm not sure when her exact date of birth is, but I'd guess she was 1-2 yrs old in 1993 when she joined us. We went to the Cat Haven in Perth looking for a kitten, but were so overwhelmed with this funny looking skinny cat who was so incredibly affectionate and wanted nothing but cuddles, that we ended up taking her home instead.

About a week later, she came down with the cat flu, probably something she'd picked up just before leaving the Cat Haven, and was a sneeze a minute. Although she'd only been with us a few days, in true cat fashion she'd already taken to sleeping under the covers in my bed. I remember reading a book in bed, with Blossom tucked up under my knees in the bed-cat-cave, and having a sneezing fit- all over the back of my bare thighs (I was wearing a nighty). Sprays of freezing cold cat snot on my bare flesh were rather alarming to say the least, but these things are forgiven, as you would a sick child.

Bloss' favourite thing was smelly shoes- the stinkier the better. In fact if they were of the variety that could empty a room and have everyone yelling that they should be left outside, they were just about ripe enough for her to bury her head in, lick, nibble, roll on and fall asleep in. Neurotic? Yes. Slightly disgusting? Yes.
The reilient old beast went through many moves with me- from Perth to Sydney, to Brisbane (and howled for 6 of the 10 hours of the drive, the final 4 I let her out of the cage to sit on my lap and she was perfectly happy!) and finally to Hobart. When I moved to Canberra she moved in with my Mum and grandmother to live out her senior years in a "retirement" home. She would get pushed around the garden on my grandmother's walking frame, or stagger along side- their arthritic gaits making them a funny pair to watch. Of an evening she would howl until the fire was lit for her, and be fed tiny slithers of fresh steak on the hearth- slightly spoiled is putting it lightly.

In her final days she grew weak and stopped eating. On the last night she couldn't walk any more, and was tucked up in front of the fire on her sheep skin rug until with a few laboured breaths it was the end. A quiet and peaceful end at the age of 20 years, but still the tears stream down my face.

To my Blossom- You will be missed, gorgeous girl. xxx

Things that shit me- #14 Over air-conditioning

Ah airconditioning... a wonderful luxury of modern life. So why is it that when it's 20 degrees outside, some clever individual decided to crank the system up full blast, cooling the office to about 13 degrees.

Surely the absence of staff leading up to Christmas has amplified the effect with the lack of body heat contributing to the ambient temperature, combined with the late onset of summer temperatures, to create the frigid environment that you have to shiver through.

Now 20 degrees is quite comfortable, so a light cardigan should be sufficient clothing to maintina optimal body temperature. Not a pashmina wrapped around your legs to stop them from turning blue, a winter coat and tucking your hands into your armpits to retain some feeling in your fingers!

(Must have been a day for it Gem!)

Dexter

How do I love Dexter, let me count the ways

Dexter, a TV series adaptation and series of books by Jeff Lindsay based on a central character named Dexter Morgan, and the screen version is vying for the spot of my favourite TV series ever made.

I generally do not like violence. I find it unnecessary in many shows, and despise sports like boxing, where people inflict pain on others with little or no purpose. Yet Dexter, in its sometimes vividly graphic way is neither offensive or disgusting to me.

Perhaps it's the "code" that Dexter operates under- that the people killed must be "bad"- thus making him an antihero. Or because it allows me to live somewhat vicariously through the character and fantasise of the justice I would exact on those who have wronged me.

I relate to the character in many other ways- from his deep inability to understand "normal" people and woefully awkward attempts to appear to be one of them, to his recurrent failure in relationships, intimate or otherwise.

But it's the innate humanity and reflections of my own experience with depression that takes the appreciation to another level. The following quotes have exactly reflected my own thoughts on the world at times:

"I'm not sure what I am. I just know there's something dark in me. I hide it. I certainly don't talk about it, but it's there always, this Dark Passenger.  "

"I'm empty. But I found a way to make it less bottomless. Pretend. You pretend the feelings are there, for the world. For the people around you. Who knows, maybe one day they will be."

“Whatever made me the way I am left me hollow, empty inside, unable to feel. It doesn't seem like a big deal. I'm quite sure most people fake an awful lot of everyday human contact. I just fake it all. I fake it very well, and the feelings are never there.”   

"I wonder if darkness is defined by light- if so darkness can't exist on its own. There must, by definition be light somewhere, waiting to be found."

Attractiveness

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder; it's whats on the inside that counts.. blah blah.. how many times have we heard this? And how many times have you seen a Danny De Vito type dating a Cameron Diaz?
I propose a new theory- if everyone has a score out of 10, then their partners will be within + or - 1 rating out of 10 in attractiveness, or +/- 2 in special circumstances.

So what is it that make people attractive. Well you could go into the facial symmetry theories etc, but if you were to ask 100 people to rate a photo out of ten, you get an average score, for example 7. That's a rating based purely on their physicality- the important bit is that when they open their mouth, so many things can change.

If they say something stupid, and reveal substantial character flaws, -1 point or more. Put a cigarette in their mouth and from my perspective that takes off at least -2 or -3 points. If they're arrogant or have a "holier than thou attitude" take off a point or two.

This is probably best demonstrated with friends- ever known someone who you may have even made fun of when you first met them for being funny looking/ fat or some other less than perfect physical characteristic, but then after knowing them for a few years- you can't even notice it any more? The fact that they are so nice as a person adds to their overall "attractiveness" despite their exterior physical appearance- and the person who, once a stranger you may have thought- ew dont touch me! Now you feel inclined to give them a big hug.

As I've gotten older I've found my taste changing too. I used to very much find myself attracted to the tall, dark n handsome, muscle bound guys. Now when I see one of them I might appreciate their physicality for a moment, but I have absolutely no desire to have any interaction with them- physical or otherwise, knowing that if they spend that much time in the gym they're probably far more in love with their reflection than they will ever be with another person.

White Ribbon

http://www.whiteribbon.org.au/
White Ribbon is about reducing violence against women.

I challenge you to take the oath:
Swear an oath never to commit, excuse or remain silent about violence against women.

Some more ways we can work to reduce this can be found at:

http://www.whiteribbon.org.au/prevention

Violence against women tends to extend beyond the couple, and to the children as well- so violence against women is violence against a whole family. Strange as it may sound, this can even include pets and animals which get kicked in anger or to manipulate e.g. "Do what I say or I'll break the dog's leg". It is estimated that 88% of animals living in households with domestic violence are either abused or killed. Of all the women in America who enter shelters to escape abuse, 57% have had companion animals killed by the batterer.
http://animal-lib.org.au/subjects/violent-behaviour/51-violence-to-animals-violence-to-humans.html#Humans

For me, I have grown up in a violent household. I have lived the harm- it eats into your sense of self and contributes to feelings of worthlessness and helplessness, depression and anxiety.

To remain silent is akin to endorsing the behaviour, so if you hear anyone talking about or endorsing violence against women- don't stay quiet- challenge it, and let them know it's not okay!

The word "Slut"

"Slut" is a word that is probably not best to type into google for a meaning, but if you do find a dictionary meaning it'll look something like this:

1.

a. A person, especially a woman, considered sexually promiscuous.

b. A woman prostitute.

2. A slovenly woman; a slattern.

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/slut

Wikipedia gives some better context: Slut or slattern is a pejorative term applied to an individual who is considered to have loose sexual morals or who is sexually promiscuous. The term is generally applied to women and is an insult or offensive term of disparagement, meaning "dirty or slovenly."

I'll never forget the first time I was called a slut to my face- which was when I was 16, by the guy I was dating at the time, and had lost my virginity to a few weeks prior.

Needless to say, given that I had only had one sexual partner at the time, and was in an established, ongoing, monogamous relationship- this came as quite a surprise to me, and was very confusing.

As it turned out- he was under the impression that I had been sleeping around with numerous people. More interesting was that he didn't believe me when I said I hadn't. The power of gossip had been stronger than our relationship, and made what should have been a special experience memorable for all the wrong reasons.

Thankfully I had a bit of self respect, and dumped him not long after that.

Ironically the next time I was called a slut was a few months later, when I refused he advances of a guy at a party. Although it wasn't so much the "you're a slut" as before, but a "fuck you,  slut"- intended to hurt me. As it was so ridiculous though,  in that he was calling me a slut for NOT being interested in any sexual interactions with him, it just made me laugh.

So often, it's used as a weapon- to try and manipulate, shame or control women.

The only time I actually found it hurtful was when it came from the mouth of a friend. We had been to a large university party one Saturday night- and I had met a guy I thought was funny and attractive. After a while, and a few more drinks, we ended up kissing. Wolf whistles, people laughing etc encouraged us to go for a walk outside.

A few minutes later I found myself in a very unwelcome situation, with this guy having ripped down my pants and trying to force himself on me, despite me saying I didn't want to. Big guy- about 6'4", so I had between buckleys and none of overpowering him as he held me there. As luck would have it some people from the party came walking past, and a moment of distraction was enough to get away.

This is generally known as date rape, and even though he wasn't wholly successful, it was a somewhat upsetting experience as some would imagine. At uni a few days later, a friend , Joe* was asking "so how'd it go with John* the other night- you guys were looking pretty friendly".

me: "I never want to see him again. "

Joe: "yeah right- you were all over him at the party"

me:" shut up you dont know what you're talking about"

Joe: "c'mon you wanted him"

me: "Sure- I thought he was hot, but he tried to rape me you dick head, now fuck off- I don't want to talk about it"

Joe: " Bullshit- you're a slut, you wanted him"

Yep- that was the time it really hurt. Probably more than the actual event itself.

People's ideas of what a woman's sexual behaviour is is not always accurate, and their opinions of how it should be reinforce harmful attitudes of "she wanted it; she was asking for it; she deserved it" and excuse men's dangerous behaviour.

*not their real names

Things that shit me #13- Bad-weather-behaviour

We've had a week of storms, rain and hail this week, which has not been helped at all by douchebag behaviour.

1- umbrellas have metal through them to keep them rigid. You do not need to hold it so that it drips down the back of someone else's neck, or pokes them in the eye when you swing it around thoughtlessly.

2- when you're shaking off your umbrella before entering a building etc, doing it right next to someone else and shaking all the water onto their legs is somewhat inconsiderate.

3- rain + uneven surfaces and blocked drains makes puddles. You do not have to drive straight through them at speed and drench the people on the sidewalk.

Fashion victims #1

The constantly changing world of fashion- changing to suposedly create a desire for new and different things, so sales stay up and profits increase.

What amazes me is that some of the crap actually sells- its horrendous, flattering to no one, and designed to be overpriced, pointless junk that will be out of date after you've worn it once.

Take this little piece for example:

The aptly named "ditzy floral bolero" by bebe Sydney. With a print that looks somewhat like you just had all you can eat Pizza hut, including a hefty serving of soft serve from the dessert bar, and promptly threw it up all over yourself, this item offers no shape, and seemingly no function- being neither a shirt or a jacket. Top points for making this tiny thin model look fat too.

Another item in the aforementioned designers' collection is this stunning garment:

What we can observe here is that fashion has no boundaries- who would have thought of chopping up Nanna's old table cloth, and pairing it with the fringing off her lamp shade? If you are stupid enough to pay money for this item, I highly recommend operating heavy machinery - preferably with moving parts- while wearing it.

The following frock is presented by Jota & Ge:

 Denim... a modern classic. Just a tip though- you're doing it wrong. How much for this semi casual catastrophe you say? A mere $375- I kid you not.
If you have $375 and choose to spend it on this, do not pass go- do not collect $200, head straight to the nearest hospital and donate your organs to someone worthy.

Things that shit me- #11 Poor Toilet etiquette

Yes this could easily fit into a "Things that shit me" category, the crappy jokes that  accompany (ba doom tss). Ok- now the obvious has been done... these things are really not that hard, and don't require a whole lot of effort, so why they occur so often speaks as to the stupidity of mankind:

Pee on the seat?
Wipe it off!

Pee on the floor?
Wipe it up!

Skid marks
Unavoidable perhaps- but removable! Ever notice the brush beside the toilet? Know what it's for? That's right!

Floaters
Dump. Flush. Check. Flush again if necessary. Now that took what- 3 seconds?

Ladies- issues around certain times of the month can be avoided quite easily. There is a bin there to put your "sanitary items" in. USE IT. If you are uncertain as to whether you should put wrappers etc in there, don't drop them on the floor next to the toilet- take them with you, and put them in the bin.
If you happen to leave a gigantic bloody vagina print or smear on the seat (though still not sure how you managed that, but it has been seen on several occassions)- then wipe it off!

Then there's the slightly more odd

Turning on the tap and leaving it running so people won't hear you... wtf? Is it that you think nobody else has that particular bodily function? You don't think that Australia is experiencing a drought and we should use more water?

Leaving the door open while taking a dump when you've only known someone for a fortnight- FAIL! (that was an "interesting" dating surprise!)

Things that shit me #4- Unwanted physical contact - part 1

Ever had someone you're really pissed off with try and hug you? It's an interesting aggressive tactic, because like a puppy that has just crapped on your carpet, then looks at you with huge cute eyes- you can't kick them when they're like that.

Other unwelcome hugs are more straight forward- a stinky or sweaty armpit, or a sleaze trying for a sly grope on the way. It's the intent of this version that really annoys me though.

A hug is generally an affectionate, friendly gesture. Forcing a hug on someone who is unwilling or not ready though- is forcing them into a position where they become the "bad person". It's like saying "I'm over it- why aren't you" or " are you REALLY still mad at me?". It's turning a positive into a negative- Evil!

Things that shit me #2- People who whistle indoors

I used to work with a man who had many irritating habits. Amongst them was that he would whistle in the office.

There are many things you can manage to tune out, such as the clicking of fake fingernails on a keyboard- annoying, but consistent enough that you can gradually ignore it as you get used to it. Whistling show tunes in an open plan office is not one of them.

It was combined with him being of some professional seniority, and of the level of smug twattiness that you really couldn't ask him to stop. He was, in fact, enough of a dick that I could almost believe he did it just to annoy people.

It also led to fantasies of how you could make him shut up. I won't go into too much detail of some of the modes I imagined, suffice to say that you would not longer have the ability to whistle after your face met with a chainsaw now, would you?
___
Closely related to Things that shit me- Arrogance.

Masculinity and projected insecurity

I've had an interesting weekend, with a wonderful and very diverse representations of masculinity, which has thrown my mind back to some of the more bizaare ones I've encountered in my life.

I once dated a guy, and as you do after a while, ended up spending a substantial amount of time at his house. One weekend, after I'd been there a few days, I decided to do a load of laundry, as I was running out of clean changes, but as I didn't have a full load of my own, I grabbed his dirty clothes from the pile, and threw them in the machine too.

A simple act, or so I thought. When he later saw that I had done the laundry, which was not the first time, it was met with not thanks, but a comment such as "Oh- you washed my clothes. I told you you didn't have to do that."
NB- I never thought I had to do that... douchebag!
and then the surprising "You used fabric softener on them." (bizaare, as well, who doesn't use fabric softener?!)
Me- "yes"
Him " But I don't like fabric softener"
Me- "Really?!- but it makes the clothes nice and soft, and they don't need to be ironed as much... "
Him (cutting me off, somewhat angrily)- "Yeah, but I dont want to be soft."

This descended into a very odd rant as he stormed out about having soft fabrics feeling nice and how this somehow made him "soft", or less of a man.

I was truly astounded at the oddity of the whole scene, as well as his reaction and version of logic- connecting them together.

As it was revealed a few weeks later, there was a hidden agenda. He had been masturbating, had used a dirty t-shirt to collect the mess- and was worried that I might find it.
1- did he think I actually believed that he didn't wank? I mean seriously? A 20 something male go a week and NOT do that would be a far stranger thing.
2- still, the whole fabric softener thing had to come from somewhere- you don't make up something so strange on the spot without there being some truth to it!

At the time, unfortunately- my own insecurities got the better of me and I felt guilty. Looking back now though I realise he had some big issues with his masculinity, which I'm not sure if he even realised, and projected them onto me- as something I had done "wrong" to cover for his own problems (because to admit fault would also be unmanly perhaps in his mind? Who knows?).

Things that shit me #10- Racism

There are many, many things that shit me about racism, but today I'll run through why it fails the basic logic test.

Racism is:

1. The belief that race accounts for differences in human character or ability and that a particular race is superior to others.

2. Discrimination or prejudice based on race.

- thefreedictionary.com

 

To believe that a particular trait or behaviour is present across a "race" of people assumes that you can

i) show that the person is a member of that group (A= the person is of (X) race)

ii) attribute presence of the trait (B= presence of trait (Y))

 

To apply this to an example would be: "All Asians (A(X)) are bad drivers (B(Y))".

Aside from the glaringly obvious to most- that it's not only highly biased and improbable, but for the arguement to be valid- you must also assume things like all Asians must drive. If you do not partake in an activity, you cannot be either good or bad at it.

 

When hearing this, the racist thinks- yes, I have seen many Asians driving, and indeed I have noticed bad Asian driving. Like the infamous pink elephant- it's all you can notice. Thus, a self-selection bias is introduced- the racist may see 200 bad drivers in a week, but the 3 of them who were Asian stick in their mind and are remembered.

 

Then they mistakenly invert the equation:  I saw a bad driver (B(Y)); that driver must be Asian (A(X)). Still, the racist finds this coherent with their belief system, it remains unchallenged by most and the reverse logic enforces itself.

 

Put this in another context- The sky (A) is blue (B). If A, then B. Reverse it- If blue (B) it is the sky (A). If B, then A. Ridiculous- obviously, as all blue cars, objects etc.. no more needs to be said.

 

Oh but you're oversimplifying it- of course the sky isn't always blue.

If the sky (A) is cloudy(Y), then it is grey (B). But what about sunset or night time?

What if you were born blind, and have no concept of what blue, grey, black or white are?

 

So how do you even prove A?

The person is, to use the same example- Asian.

Are you saying

- they were born in Asia: Perhaps their parents were British, temporarily working there, does that make them Asian?

- they were born to Asian parents: what if they were using donor gametes?

- the had at least one Asian parent/ grandparent/ descendant: what percentage/ proportion would you draw the line as constituting membership of the group you are trying to define?

 

The arguements, when challenged, do not add up.

Favourite quotes

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a non-working cat.
- Richard Dawkins

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion it has taken place.
- George Bernard Shaw

It is easier to perceive error than to find truth, for the former lies on the surface, and is easily seen, while the latter lies in the depth, where few are willing to search for it.
- J. W. von Goethe

Fear always springs from ignorance
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Support Bacteria- they're the only culture some people have. (unknown)
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
- George Santayana

Why did I write? Because I found life unsatisfactory.
- Tennessee Williams
Thinking is easy, acting is difficult, and to put ones thoughts into action is the most difficult thing in the world.
- J. W. von Goethe

The madman is not the man who has lost his reason; the madman is the man who has lost everything except his reason
- G.K. Chesterton

Truth is rightly named the daughter of time, not of authority.
- Francis Bacon
This is the type of arrant pedantry up with which I will not put.
- disputed, possibly Winston Churchill

... the thing is to find a truth which is true for me, to find the idea for which I can live and die.
-Soren Kierkegaard

It is a terrible thing for a man to find out suddenly that all his life he has been speaking nothing but the truth. 
- Oscar Wilde

We're all sentenced to solitary confinement inside our own skins, for life.
- Tennessee Williams

Self- medication

The modes of self-medicating are many.

Alcohol is probably the most popular. Socially acceptable, many are probably cracking a tinny, having a night cap or "relaxing" with a wine as I type. It eases the muscles; blurs the mind a little. Often you'll end up throwing up on yourself or being out of control in a way that gives others control.

To the amazing strong women I know who have been attacked by predators while intoxicated- it does make you less able to defend yourself, but you did not make it happen.

Illicit drugs- the uppers and the downers. Those that make you dance and "be happy"- loving everyone, though they will beat you into an emergency ward and rob you while you're at it. The stoners, who like to "get high", gradually more often, until they cannot get out of bed without a having a bucket. Smoking crack, and ending up selling your body to buy it. Herion, destroying your life.

Licit/ prescribed/ over the counter medications- taking too many to make yourself sick as a punishment or attrition. Taking too many to pass out or get high.

Sex- sleeping with people to feel good about yourself, your ability to "pick up", the brief high of an orgasm perhaps. Momentary external validation, followed by the whispers of you being a "slut/ jerk", the partners who dont want to see you again, the risks of diseases.

Cutting, stabbing, slicing, hitting, punching yourself. The physical pain cutting through the pain in your mind like a glorious singing relief... until the high is gone, and for the weeks after you have the bruises, cuts and aches- and the embarrassment, questions and regret that come with it.

Avoiding the real issue is part of it. Even acknowledging the issue at all overwhelms some. For others, the medicative method which was intended to make things a bit easier ends up making them a whole lot harder.

None of it is very effective, because you don't solve anything- only dissolve your liver, brain and self-respect.

Why write a blog?

“Why did I write? Because I found life unsatisfactory.”
― Tennessee Williams

Since beginning this blog I have had some questions as to why I would write about personal issues in a public forum.


Largely its because of the 3 'S's- Stigma, Shame and Silence.

What is stigma?
People with mental illness put up with a lot more than their illness. Stigma contributes another major stress they can well do without. Many say that stigma and prejudice is as distressing as the symptoms themselves.
Most often stigma against people with a mental illness involves inaccurate and hurtful representations of them as violent, comical or incompetent – dehumanising and making people an object of fear or ridicule.
http://www.sane.org/stigmawatch/what-is-stigma



This one I have experienced a lot of. When revealing that I live with chronic anxiety, depression (and have done so for 20+ years) and periods of suicidal ideation, people will mostly react in the following few ways:


1- most common is to mock the situation. "Oh that explains a lot- you're a crazy bitch", followed by people then not taking anything you say seriously, and dismissing any reactions you have to situations, even where anyone else would react the same.


2- avoidance. People who were friends will then stop calling. You don't get invited out any more. If you run into them in the street they glance awkwardly at their feet and make an excuse to leave. I think it's a combination of not wanting to be seen with the "nutcase", and not knowing what to say/ do.


3- the problem solvers. Everything from "tell me everything- I'm sure I can help", to "Why don't you just get over it" (shit- why didn't I think of that!? I'm better now- Tada!!), or "OMG- you have to call the police, NOW (re childhood abuses)!". Great- and what good would that do? Go through an expensive, lengthy and stressful legal battle where every shred will be ripped off each other in the hope of what- feeling better?


4- they doubt that your brain can work in any capacity, ability to perform and complete work, qualifications, and your intellectual capacity to consider issues in a professional manner. About 2 years ago I overheard a co-worker talking [quite loudly in the office] about how a member of [a Government Committee] had requested that he could teleconference in to the meeting instead of fly in, as he suffered with chronic depression and the travel pressure was too much. My co-worker said "but that must be bullshit- I mean he's an Associate Professor of a University, and a member on many Government committees- if he was actually as depressed as he said he was then he would never be able to do any of that...". Hmm yes, like Chronic depressive and alcoholic Winston Churchill? Isaac Newton, who had repeated "nervous breakdowns"? Beethoven the Bipolar? Abraham Lincoln's recurrent suicidal ideations? Vincent Van Gogh, Sylvia Plath etc...Yes- all clearly unintelligent and non-functional people there.

“There comes a time when you look into the mirror and you realize that what you see is all that you will ever be. And then you accept it. Or you kill yourself. Or you stop looking in mirrors.”
― Tennessee Williams
No matter which reaction- the information tends to change, or end, your entire relationship with them, forever. In response you spend a great deal of your time and effort trying to be what you think everyone else wants you to be and in fear of them finding out who you really are.


Exhausting- and still doesn't lead to good relationships because at the end of the day- it's not who you are. So why don't you walk around being "yourself" from the beginning? Well stigma often leads into
shame.

What is the harm of stigma?Some of the most harmful effects of stigma occur when it alters how people view themselves, also known as self-stigma.
Self-stigma is the acceptance of prejudiced perceptions held by others. This can lead to a reluctance to seek treatment, excessive reliance on others, social withdrawal, poor self-worth and it may also lead to abuse of alcohol and drugs. (op cit)

A lot of people are telling you you're crazy, avoiding you and want nothing to do with you. Are unable to react to you as they would other people. The ones who mock are incredibly unhelpful too- and your feelings of self worth are degraded to virtually non-existant.


Enter Shame.


For me, some of the events that led to me being how I am (see post- Malignant Narcissism), are particularly confusing, distressing and shameful not only for me, but for people who hear of it. Some of what happened seems almost implausible, so for people to reconcile it into a reality they recognise in their own minds, they think "hmm... well this can't possibly be true... so you must be lieing". Once the situation has been created enough times whereby you have been humiliated into apologising for being who and what you are- you even start to question it yourself- could it really be true?


Disgusted, rejected and feeling worthless, you willingly, or are pressured into entering Silence.


Shh don't talk about it. Why don't you write that stuff in a journal instead? Or can't you talk about a lighter topic? I do apologise, this must be upsetting for you to read.


As with many uncomfortable topics we keep it quiet. No one like to talk, hear or for many, even think about it.


So I have reached the point, after 29 years and 363 days trying to hide what and who I am, how I feel and where I came from. The 2000+ suicides every year in Australia suggest that I'm not the only one feeling at least some of this, and I hope that in revealing something about myself it might help at least one other person in the world dealing with similar issues feel a bit less isolated and alone. Feel 1% less shame in knowing they are not that "different".


My own micro-scale breaking the silence program. If I am to be treated differently, isolated, ostracised etc then let it be for who and what I am, not something I try to be to make you feel more comfortable.


Repercussions
Of course there are. Sometimes I am crying while I write, have a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach, or even as I did last night- vomit.


I know that by opening up my life, it may bring more shame, more stigma on me- and more social isolation as more people choose not to associate with me, for whatever reason they choose to justify it to themselves. See it how you like- somewhat brave or irretrievably stupid- that is your judgement to make.


Fear that it could bring shame and stigma on other people who I care for, who have lived through it and may have questions asked, or accusations made. That they may be hurt in the process.


We did not choose to be born into the world of an abusive father. None of this you choose. Some are fortunate enough not to remember and are less affected than others. Why is not clear, but no one wants to hate themselves, be constantly afraid or stressed.


At the end of it all- I think we just want what anyone wants- to be accepted, and possibly even loved, despite all that has gone before. To say that someone who has been the victim of abuse, or has mental illness is in anyway less worthy of being supported or loved, takes stigma into discrimination.

Malignant Narcissism

So today I begin to scracth the surface as to why I am so completed fucked in the head, with an introduction to my father- a malignant pathological narcissist (*my synopsis of the situation, as per evidence witnessed. I don't know if this was ever formally diagnosed).

Wikipedia on the topic:

Narcissistic personality disorder
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders fourth edition, DSM IV-TR, a widely used manual for diagnosing mental disorders, defines narcissistic personality disorder (in Axis II Cluster B) as:^[1]

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4. Requires excessive admiration
5. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6. Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
8. Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Malignant narcissism has been described as "an extreme form of antisocial personality disorder that is manifest in a person who is pathologically grandiose, lacking in conscience and behavioral regulation, and with characteristic demonstrations of joyful cruelty and sadism".^[1]

The following extracts from The World of the Narcissist (Essay) By: Dr. Sam Vaknin** I find very true to my lived experience if it:

The narcissist is forced to use other people in order to feel that he exists. It is trough their eyes and through their behaviour that he obtains proof of his uniqueness and grandeur. He is a habitual "people-junkie". With time, he comes to regard those around him as mere instruments of gratification, as two-dimensional cartoon figures with negligible lines in the script of his magnificent life.
...He has to teach people around him that these provoke him into frightful fits of temper and rage attacks and turn him into a constantly cantankerous and irascible person. His exaggerated reactions constitute a punishment for their inconsiderateness and their ignorance of his true psychological state.
The narcissist blames others for his behaviour, accuses them of provoking him into his temper tantrums and believes firmly that "they" should be punished for their "misbehaviour". Apologies – unless accompanied by verbal or other humiliation – are not enough. The fuel of the narcissist's rage is spent mainly on vitriolic verbal send-offs directed at the (often imaginary) perpetrator of the (oft innocuous) offence.

So how this all translated into my life was a combination of things.

Firstly there's the seemingly innocuous- music. We were put through violin lessons from the age of 5. Oh how cute and how lucky to be given that opportunity I hear you saying? Next we were put into eisteddfords where we had to perform in front of lots of people, and at dinner parties etc. I was a painfully shy child- who could barely say hello to someone, let alone perform in front of them. But I was so much more petrified of the consequences if I didnt- which would definitely include a tantrum, and on a fair majority of occassions would also involve fists.
Another example would be when we first got a computer, in about 1993, when I was about 11 or 12. On finally being allowed to use the computer, I mistakenly clicked on the clock in the corner of the screen, opened that window. I didn't know it was the system computer, and clicked on the face of the analogue image, and the time on the clock changed. As this was boring, I closed the window and a moment later my father appeared. He noted the time was different on the computer to that on his watch and asked what I had done, at which point I realised thats what the clock thing I saw was.

A rational person's response : Click, click (to match the wrist watch). The end.

A somewhat cranky person with little computer knowledge's response: Oh crap. How do I fix that? Maybe I'll read the instructions, or have a look at it and try.

What actually happened: I was thrown off the chair, into a set of shelves, with my head then shoulder impacting first.

As we grew older and, crucially- my brother grew to be taller, broader and obviously stronger than he was, the physical side of things was scaled back. To maintian his status though, the psychological warfare on the family increased. 

One time I said something he didn't like. The reaction was that he wrote a letter to the principal of my school to let them know that I'd been involved in illicit activities and caused some damage to the school. Only I hadn't- it was purely made up by him. This was as I had topped a class and was due to be given an award at the end of the school year, which was instead not given, and I was made to write a letter of apology instead for something I hadn't done. If I didn't write it, I would have been suspended and possibly expelled.

Erode any chance of escape, support or gaining help from those around you, by making them all think you're a worthless turd, and oh what a great father he is for putting up with such naughty children. How respectful and honest for reporting these things openly so that the school would not be damaged by what a threat I was, too.

Just a few examples there, but this was a very unpredictable thing. You never knew what might upset him or when, or what the reaction would be. This created a constant environment of fear, where I was utterly petrified of anything and everything, lest he hear, see, suspect, or find out.

So there's a brief introduction to the first 17 years of my life, living every day under his roof.

**I find Vaknin's writings on the issue interesting- and recommend anyone else interested should check out the site: http://samvak.tripod.com/msla.html