Wikipedia on the topic:
Narcissistic personality disorder
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders fourth edition, DSM IV-TR, a widely used manual for diagnosing mental disorders, defines narcissistic personality disorder (in Axis II Cluster B) as:[1]
- A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
- Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
- Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
- Requires excessive admiration
- Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
- Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
- Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
- Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
- Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
The following extracts from The World of the Narcissist (Essay) By: Dr. Sam Vaknin** I find very true to my lived experience if it:
...He has to teach people around him that these provoke him into frightful fits of temper and rage attacks and turn him into a constantly cantankerous and irascible person. His exaggerated reactions constitute a punishment for their inconsiderateness and their ignorance of his true psychological state.
The narcissist blames others for his behaviour, accuses them of provoking him into his temper tantrums and believes firmly that "they" should be punished for their "misbehaviour". Apologies – unless accompanied by verbal or other humiliation – are not enough. The fuel of the narcissist's rage is spent mainly on vitriolic verbal send-offs directed at the (often imaginary) perpetrator of the (oft innocuous) offence.
So how this all translated into my life was a combination of things.
Firstly there's the seemingly innocuous- music. We were put through violin lessons from the age of 5. Oh how cute and how lucky to be given that opportunity I hear you saying? Next we were put into eisteddfords where we had to perform in front of lots of people, and at dinner parties etc. I was a painfully shy child- who could barely say hello to someone, let alone perform in front of them. But I was so much more petrified of the consequences if I didnt- which would definitely include a tantrum, and on a fair majority of occassions would also involve fists.
Another example would be when we first got a computer, in about 1993, when I was about 11 or 12. On finally being allowed to use the computer, I mistakenly clicked on the clock in the corner of the screen, opened that window. I didn't know it was the system computer, and clicked on the face of the analogue image, and the time on the clock changed. As this was boring, I closed the window and a moment later my father appeared. He noted the time was different on the computer to that on his watch and asked what I had done, at which point I realised thats what the clock thing I saw was.
A rational person's response : Click, click (to match the wrist watch). The end.
A somewhat cranky person with little computer knowledge's response: Oh crap. How do I fix that? Maybe I'll read the instructions, or have a look at it and try.
What actually happened: I was thrown off the chair, into a set of shelves, with my head then shoulder impacting first.
As we grew older and, crucially- my brother grew to be taller, broader and obviously stronger than he was, the physical side of things was scaled back. To maintian his status though, the psychological warfare on the family increased.
One time I said something he didn't like. The reaction was that he wrote a letter to the principal of my school to let them know that I'd been involved in illicit activities and caused some damage to the school. Only I hadn't- it was purely made up by him. This was as I had topped a class and was due to be given an award at the end of the school year, which was instead not given, and I was made to write a letter of apology instead for something I hadn't done. If I didn't write it, I would have been suspended and possibly expelled.
Erode any chance of escape, support or gaining help from those around you, by making them all think you're a worthless turd, and oh what a great father he is for putting up with such naughty children. How respectful and honest for reporting these things openly so that the school would not be damaged by what a threat I was, too.
Just a few examples there, but this was a very unpredictable thing. You never knew what might upset him or when, or what the reaction would be. This created a constant environment of fear, where I was utterly petrified of anything and everything, lest he hear, see, suspect, or find out.
So there's a brief introduction to the first 17 years of my life, living every day under his roof.
**I find Vaknin's writings on the issue interesting- and recommend anyone else interested should check out the site: http://samvak.tripod.com/msla.html
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