Why write a blog?

“Why did I write? Because I found life unsatisfactory.”
― Tennessee Williams

Since beginning this blog I have had some questions as to why I would write about personal issues in a public forum.


Largely its because of the 3 'S's- Stigma, Shame and Silence.

What is stigma?
People with mental illness put up with a lot more than their illness. Stigma contributes another major stress they can well do without. Many say that stigma and prejudice is as distressing as the symptoms themselves.
Most often stigma against people with a mental illness involves inaccurate and hurtful representations of them as violent, comical or incompetent – dehumanising and making people an object of fear or ridicule.
http://www.sane.org/stigmawatch/what-is-stigma



This one I have experienced a lot of. When revealing that I live with chronic anxiety, depression (and have done so for 20+ years) and periods of suicidal ideation, people will mostly react in the following few ways:


1- most common is to mock the situation. "Oh that explains a lot- you're a crazy bitch", followed by people then not taking anything you say seriously, and dismissing any reactions you have to situations, even where anyone else would react the same.


2- avoidance. People who were friends will then stop calling. You don't get invited out any more. If you run into them in the street they glance awkwardly at their feet and make an excuse to leave. I think it's a combination of not wanting to be seen with the "nutcase", and not knowing what to say/ do.


3- the problem solvers. Everything from "tell me everything- I'm sure I can help", to "Why don't you just get over it" (shit- why didn't I think of that!? I'm better now- Tada!!), or "OMG- you have to call the police, NOW (re childhood abuses)!". Great- and what good would that do? Go through an expensive, lengthy and stressful legal battle where every shred will be ripped off each other in the hope of what- feeling better?


4- they doubt that your brain can work in any capacity, ability to perform and complete work, qualifications, and your intellectual capacity to consider issues in a professional manner. About 2 years ago I overheard a co-worker talking [quite loudly in the office] about how a member of [a Government Committee] had requested that he could teleconference in to the meeting instead of fly in, as he suffered with chronic depression and the travel pressure was too much. My co-worker said "but that must be bullshit- I mean he's an Associate Professor of a University, and a member on many Government committees- if he was actually as depressed as he said he was then he would never be able to do any of that...". Hmm yes, like Chronic depressive and alcoholic Winston Churchill? Isaac Newton, who had repeated "nervous breakdowns"? Beethoven the Bipolar? Abraham Lincoln's recurrent suicidal ideations? Vincent Van Gogh, Sylvia Plath etc...Yes- all clearly unintelligent and non-functional people there.

“There comes a time when you look into the mirror and you realize that what you see is all that you will ever be. And then you accept it. Or you kill yourself. Or you stop looking in mirrors.”
― Tennessee Williams
No matter which reaction- the information tends to change, or end, your entire relationship with them, forever. In response you spend a great deal of your time and effort trying to be what you think everyone else wants you to be and in fear of them finding out who you really are.


Exhausting- and still doesn't lead to good relationships because at the end of the day- it's not who you are. So why don't you walk around being "yourself" from the beginning? Well stigma often leads into
shame.

What is the harm of stigma?Some of the most harmful effects of stigma occur when it alters how people view themselves, also known as self-stigma.
Self-stigma is the acceptance of prejudiced perceptions held by others. This can lead to a reluctance to seek treatment, excessive reliance on others, social withdrawal, poor self-worth and it may also lead to abuse of alcohol and drugs. (op cit)

A lot of people are telling you you're crazy, avoiding you and want nothing to do with you. Are unable to react to you as they would other people. The ones who mock are incredibly unhelpful too- and your feelings of self worth are degraded to virtually non-existant.


Enter Shame.


For me, some of the events that led to me being how I am (see post- Malignant Narcissism), are particularly confusing, distressing and shameful not only for me, but for people who hear of it. Some of what happened seems almost implausible, so for people to reconcile it into a reality they recognise in their own minds, they think "hmm... well this can't possibly be true... so you must be lieing". Once the situation has been created enough times whereby you have been humiliated into apologising for being who and what you are- you even start to question it yourself- could it really be true?


Disgusted, rejected and feeling worthless, you willingly, or are pressured into entering Silence.


Shh don't talk about it. Why don't you write that stuff in a journal instead? Or can't you talk about a lighter topic? I do apologise, this must be upsetting for you to read.


As with many uncomfortable topics we keep it quiet. No one like to talk, hear or for many, even think about it.


So I have reached the point, after 29 years and 363 days trying to hide what and who I am, how I feel and where I came from. The 2000+ suicides every year in Australia suggest that I'm not the only one feeling at least some of this, and I hope that in revealing something about myself it might help at least one other person in the world dealing with similar issues feel a bit less isolated and alone. Feel 1% less shame in knowing they are not that "different".


My own micro-scale breaking the silence program. If I am to be treated differently, isolated, ostracised etc then let it be for who and what I am, not something I try to be to make you feel more comfortable.


Repercussions
Of course there are. Sometimes I am crying while I write, have a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach, or even as I did last night- vomit.


I know that by opening up my life, it may bring more shame, more stigma on me- and more social isolation as more people choose not to associate with me, for whatever reason they choose to justify it to themselves. See it how you like- somewhat brave or irretrievably stupid- that is your judgement to make.


Fear that it could bring shame and stigma on other people who I care for, who have lived through it and may have questions asked, or accusations made. That they may be hurt in the process.


We did not choose to be born into the world of an abusive father. None of this you choose. Some are fortunate enough not to remember and are less affected than others. Why is not clear, but no one wants to hate themselves, be constantly afraid or stressed.


At the end of it all- I think we just want what anyone wants- to be accepted, and possibly even loved, despite all that has gone before. To say that someone who has been the victim of abuse, or has mental illness is in anyway less worthy of being supported or loved, takes stigma into discrimination.