Family and communication

Family and communication are things which often logically go together for a lot of people. I'm not one of them, unless you're using the word communication with the prefix "mis".
I am not the only member of my gene pool with significant issues, and this combination creates the appropriate atmosphere for some ripper fights. The last huge fight I had sent me into avoidance mode, and I have now had close to no communication whatsoever with my youngest older half sister*, "R", for almost 2 years. There's no point in rehashing the who said what hurtful events , as its the where to now that is important.
* I have 5 half-sisters, all of whom are older than me, and R is the youngest of those 5, and is 9 years my senior.

R has borderline personality disorder, which is a not very well understood or widely known condition. Wikipedia at 8 Nov 2011 states it to be:
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a personality disorder described as a prolonged disturbance of personality function in a person (generally over the age of eighteen years, although it is also found in adolescents), characterized by depth and variability of moods.^{[n 1]} The disorder typically involves unusual levels of instability in mood; black and white thinking, or splitting; the disorder often manifests itself in idealization and devaluation episodes, as well as chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self. In extreme cases, this disturbance in the sense of self can lead to periods of dissociation.^[1]
BPD splitting includes a switch between idealizing and demonizing others. This, combined with mood disturbances, can undermine relationships with family, friends, and co-workers. BPD disturbances also may include self-harm.^[2] Without treatment, symptoms may worsen, leading (in extreme cases) to suicide attempts.^{[n 2]}

BPD is often characterized by multiple low-lethality suicide attempts triggered by seemingly minor incidents, and less commonly by high-lethality attempts that are attributed to impulsiveness or comorbid clinical depression, with interpersonal stressors appearing to be particularly common triggers.^[24] Ongoing family interactions and associated vulnerabilities can lead to self-destructive behavior.^[18


The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders fourth edition, DSM IV-TR, a widely used manual for diagnosing mental disorders, defines borderline personality disorder (in Axis II Cluster B) as:^[1][13]

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

I know that Wikipedia, by the nature of its methodology, is not always entirely accurate, but given that this disease is also somewhat unknown, and the knowledge of it is evolving, it seems to be a relevant reference. In my experience, what is listed is true, and would match what I have seen and experienced of R.

An example of how this manifests itself into your life- One period of time involved daily phone calls to me at 2, 3 or 4am, which were either incredibly tearful or sometimes manically happy. When I finally asked for the phone calls to be not between the hours of midnight and 6am on Sun- Thurs (work) nights, the next phone call I received was about a week later. It was from the hospital- R had cut her wrists. Subsequent discussions were around how she felt abandoned and alone.

I am not suggesting it was her intention to be manipulative and make me feel bad, but feel incredibly crap I did.

The culmination of the last fight was that R said to me "well fuck you cunt", and that triggered in me a reciprocal fuck you response, as I felt I had been going over and above what anyone could reasonably expect to be helpful (remember- this is my version of events. I acknowledge that her lived experience may have been different. Some of what was said and done is, however, recorded in a series of text messages).

At first I thought screw her, after 20 or so years of this, I've had enough. If she ever wants a relationship with me, she'd better do some serious grovelling.

Then I went into the acceptance, and realised that her condition would probably prevent her from ever doing that, and that the initial reaction/ incident was fairly inconsequential.


But then I got stuck.

What I knew was that I felt incredibly stressed out any time I thought of contacting her. Afraid that my whole life could descend back into chaos, and that if we had another falling out, I would feel responsible for any possible suicide attempts/ self harm/ jailings (R getting into violent bar fights is not unknown)/ institutionalisations.

What if she ever succeeded? I would certainly feel at least in part responsible for whatever happened. Some people have said "oh no- that wouldnt be your fault at all". Ok, I understand you think that- but YOU try living with it.

The longer time goes on though, I feel incredible amounts of guilty weighing heavily, as I have cut off a member of my family, and someone who is in need.

I still cant decide what to do, as it's a no win situation, with either side leaving me brimming with anxiety, angst, guilt and sadness.