Things that shit me- #11 Poor Toilet etiquette

Yes this could easily fit into a "Things that shit me" category, the crappy jokes that  accompany (ba doom tss). Ok- now the obvious has been done... these things are really not that hard, and don't require a whole lot of effort, so why they occur so often speaks as to the stupidity of mankind:

Pee on the seat?
Wipe it off!

Pee on the floor?
Wipe it up!

Skid marks
Unavoidable perhaps- but removable! Ever notice the brush beside the toilet? Know what it's for? That's right!

Floaters
Dump. Flush. Check. Flush again if necessary. Now that took what- 3 seconds?

Ladies- issues around certain times of the month can be avoided quite easily. There is a bin there to put your "sanitary items" in. USE IT. If you are uncertain as to whether you should put wrappers etc in there, don't drop them on the floor next to the toilet- take them with you, and put them in the bin.
If you happen to leave a gigantic bloody vagina print or smear on the seat (though still not sure how you managed that, but it has been seen on several occassions)- then wipe it off!

Then there's the slightly more odd

Turning on the tap and leaving it running so people won't hear you... wtf? Is it that you think nobody else has that particular bodily function? You don't think that Australia is experiencing a drought and we should use more water?

Leaving the door open while taking a dump when you've only known someone for a fortnight- FAIL! (that was an "interesting" dating surprise!)

Things that shit me #4- Unwanted physical contact - part 1

Ever had someone you're really pissed off with try and hug you? It's an interesting aggressive tactic, because like a puppy that has just crapped on your carpet, then looks at you with huge cute eyes- you can't kick them when they're like that.

Other unwelcome hugs are more straight forward- a stinky or sweaty armpit, or a sleaze trying for a sly grope on the way. It's the intent of this version that really annoys me though.

A hug is generally an affectionate, friendly gesture. Forcing a hug on someone who is unwilling or not ready though- is forcing them into a position where they become the "bad person". It's like saying "I'm over it- why aren't you" or " are you REALLY still mad at me?". It's turning a positive into a negative- Evil!

Things that shit me #2- People who whistle indoors

I used to work with a man who had many irritating habits. Amongst them was that he would whistle in the office.

There are many things you can manage to tune out, such as the clicking of fake fingernails on a keyboard- annoying, but consistent enough that you can gradually ignore it as you get used to it. Whistling show tunes in an open plan office is not one of them.

It was combined with him being of some professional seniority, and of the level of smug twattiness that you really couldn't ask him to stop. He was, in fact, enough of a dick that I could almost believe he did it just to annoy people.

It also led to fantasies of how you could make him shut up. I won't go into too much detail of some of the modes I imagined, suffice to say that you would not longer have the ability to whistle after your face met with a chainsaw now, would you?
___
Closely related to Things that shit me- Arrogance.

Masculinity and projected insecurity

I've had an interesting weekend, with a wonderful and very diverse representations of masculinity, which has thrown my mind back to some of the more bizaare ones I've encountered in my life.

I once dated a guy, and as you do after a while, ended up spending a substantial amount of time at his house. One weekend, after I'd been there a few days, I decided to do a load of laundry, as I was running out of clean changes, but as I didn't have a full load of my own, I grabbed his dirty clothes from the pile, and threw them in the machine too.

A simple act, or so I thought. When he later saw that I had done the laundry, which was not the first time, it was met with not thanks, but a comment such as "Oh- you washed my clothes. I told you you didn't have to do that."
NB- I never thought I had to do that... douchebag!
and then the surprising "You used fabric softener on them." (bizaare, as well, who doesn't use fabric softener?!)
Me- "yes"
Him " But I don't like fabric softener"
Me- "Really?!- but it makes the clothes nice and soft, and they don't need to be ironed as much... "
Him (cutting me off, somewhat angrily)- "Yeah, but I dont want to be soft."

This descended into a very odd rant as he stormed out about having soft fabrics feeling nice and how this somehow made him "soft", or less of a man.

I was truly astounded at the oddity of the whole scene, as well as his reaction and version of logic- connecting them together.

As it was revealed a few weeks later, there was a hidden agenda. He had been masturbating, had used a dirty t-shirt to collect the mess- and was worried that I might find it.
1- did he think I actually believed that he didn't wank? I mean seriously? A 20 something male go a week and NOT do that would be a far stranger thing.
2- still, the whole fabric softener thing had to come from somewhere- you don't make up something so strange on the spot without there being some truth to it!

At the time, unfortunately- my own insecurities got the better of me and I felt guilty. Looking back now though I realise he had some big issues with his masculinity, which I'm not sure if he even realised, and projected them onto me- as something I had done "wrong" to cover for his own problems (because to admit fault would also be unmanly perhaps in his mind? Who knows?).

Things that shit me #10- Racism

There are many, many things that shit me about racism, but today I'll run through why it fails the basic logic test.

Racism is:

1. The belief that race accounts for differences in human character or ability and that a particular race is superior to others.

2. Discrimination or prejudice based on race.

- thefreedictionary.com

 

To believe that a particular trait or behaviour is present across a "race" of people assumes that you can

i) show that the person is a member of that group (A= the person is of (X) race)

ii) attribute presence of the trait (B= presence of trait (Y))

 

To apply this to an example would be: "All Asians (A(X)) are bad drivers (B(Y))".

Aside from the glaringly obvious to most- that it's not only highly biased and improbable, but for the arguement to be valid- you must also assume things like all Asians must drive. If you do not partake in an activity, you cannot be either good or bad at it.

 

When hearing this, the racist thinks- yes, I have seen many Asians driving, and indeed I have noticed bad Asian driving. Like the infamous pink elephant- it's all you can notice. Thus, a self-selection bias is introduced- the racist may see 200 bad drivers in a week, but the 3 of them who were Asian stick in their mind and are remembered.

 

Then they mistakenly invert the equation:  I saw a bad driver (B(Y)); that driver must be Asian (A(X)). Still, the racist finds this coherent with their belief system, it remains unchallenged by most and the reverse logic enforces itself.

 

Put this in another context- The sky (A) is blue (B). If A, then B. Reverse it- If blue (B) it is the sky (A). If B, then A. Ridiculous- obviously, as all blue cars, objects etc.. no more needs to be said.

 

Oh but you're oversimplifying it- of course the sky isn't always blue.

If the sky (A) is cloudy(Y), then it is grey (B). But what about sunset or night time?

What if you were born blind, and have no concept of what blue, grey, black or white are?

 

So how do you even prove A?

The person is, to use the same example- Asian.

Are you saying

- they were born in Asia: Perhaps their parents were British, temporarily working there, does that make them Asian?

- they were born to Asian parents: what if they were using donor gametes?

- the had at least one Asian parent/ grandparent/ descendant: what percentage/ proportion would you draw the line as constituting membership of the group you are trying to define?

 

The arguements, when challenged, do not add up.

Favourite quotes

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a non-working cat.
- Richard Dawkins

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion it has taken place.
- George Bernard Shaw

It is easier to perceive error than to find truth, for the former lies on the surface, and is easily seen, while the latter lies in the depth, where few are willing to search for it.
- J. W. von Goethe

Fear always springs from ignorance
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Support Bacteria- they're the only culture some people have. (unknown)
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
- George Santayana

Why did I write? Because I found life unsatisfactory.
- Tennessee Williams
Thinking is easy, acting is difficult, and to put ones thoughts into action is the most difficult thing in the world.
- J. W. von Goethe

The madman is not the man who has lost his reason; the madman is the man who has lost everything except his reason
- G.K. Chesterton

Truth is rightly named the daughter of time, not of authority.
- Francis Bacon
This is the type of arrant pedantry up with which I will not put.
- disputed, possibly Winston Churchill

... the thing is to find a truth which is true for me, to find the idea for which I can live and die.
-Soren Kierkegaard

It is a terrible thing for a man to find out suddenly that all his life he has been speaking nothing but the truth. 
- Oscar Wilde

We're all sentenced to solitary confinement inside our own skins, for life.
- Tennessee Williams

Self- medication

The modes of self-medicating are many.

Alcohol is probably the most popular. Socially acceptable, many are probably cracking a tinny, having a night cap or "relaxing" with a wine as I type. It eases the muscles; blurs the mind a little. Often you'll end up throwing up on yourself or being out of control in a way that gives others control.

To the amazing strong women I know who have been attacked by predators while intoxicated- it does make you less able to defend yourself, but you did not make it happen.

Illicit drugs- the uppers and the downers. Those that make you dance and "be happy"- loving everyone, though they will beat you into an emergency ward and rob you while you're at it. The stoners, who like to "get high", gradually more often, until they cannot get out of bed without a having a bucket. Smoking crack, and ending up selling your body to buy it. Herion, destroying your life.

Licit/ prescribed/ over the counter medications- taking too many to make yourself sick as a punishment or attrition. Taking too many to pass out or get high.

Sex- sleeping with people to feel good about yourself, your ability to "pick up", the brief high of an orgasm perhaps. Momentary external validation, followed by the whispers of you being a "slut/ jerk", the partners who dont want to see you again, the risks of diseases.

Cutting, stabbing, slicing, hitting, punching yourself. The physical pain cutting through the pain in your mind like a glorious singing relief... until the high is gone, and for the weeks after you have the bruises, cuts and aches- and the embarrassment, questions and regret that come with it.

Avoiding the real issue is part of it. Even acknowledging the issue at all overwhelms some. For others, the medicative method which was intended to make things a bit easier ends up making them a whole lot harder.

None of it is very effective, because you don't solve anything- only dissolve your liver, brain and self-respect.

Why write a blog?

“Why did I write? Because I found life unsatisfactory.”
― Tennessee Williams

Since beginning this blog I have had some questions as to why I would write about personal issues in a public forum.


Largely its because of the 3 'S's- Stigma, Shame and Silence.

What is stigma?
People with mental illness put up with a lot more than their illness. Stigma contributes another major stress they can well do without. Many say that stigma and prejudice is as distressing as the symptoms themselves.
Most often stigma against people with a mental illness involves inaccurate and hurtful representations of them as violent, comical or incompetent – dehumanising and making people an object of fear or ridicule.
http://www.sane.org/stigmawatch/what-is-stigma



This one I have experienced a lot of. When revealing that I live with chronic anxiety, depression (and have done so for 20+ years) and periods of suicidal ideation, people will mostly react in the following few ways:


1- most common is to mock the situation. "Oh that explains a lot- you're a crazy bitch", followed by people then not taking anything you say seriously, and dismissing any reactions you have to situations, even where anyone else would react the same.


2- avoidance. People who were friends will then stop calling. You don't get invited out any more. If you run into them in the street they glance awkwardly at their feet and make an excuse to leave. I think it's a combination of not wanting to be seen with the "nutcase", and not knowing what to say/ do.


3- the problem solvers. Everything from "tell me everything- I'm sure I can help", to "Why don't you just get over it" (shit- why didn't I think of that!? I'm better now- Tada!!), or "OMG- you have to call the police, NOW (re childhood abuses)!". Great- and what good would that do? Go through an expensive, lengthy and stressful legal battle where every shred will be ripped off each other in the hope of what- feeling better?


4- they doubt that your brain can work in any capacity, ability to perform and complete work, qualifications, and your intellectual capacity to consider issues in a professional manner. About 2 years ago I overheard a co-worker talking [quite loudly in the office] about how a member of [a Government Committee] had requested that he could teleconference in to the meeting instead of fly in, as he suffered with chronic depression and the travel pressure was too much. My co-worker said "but that must be bullshit- I mean he's an Associate Professor of a University, and a member on many Government committees- if he was actually as depressed as he said he was then he would never be able to do any of that...". Hmm yes, like Chronic depressive and alcoholic Winston Churchill? Isaac Newton, who had repeated "nervous breakdowns"? Beethoven the Bipolar? Abraham Lincoln's recurrent suicidal ideations? Vincent Van Gogh, Sylvia Plath etc...Yes- all clearly unintelligent and non-functional people there.

“There comes a time when you look into the mirror and you realize that what you see is all that you will ever be. And then you accept it. Or you kill yourself. Or you stop looking in mirrors.”
― Tennessee Williams
No matter which reaction- the information tends to change, or end, your entire relationship with them, forever. In response you spend a great deal of your time and effort trying to be what you think everyone else wants you to be and in fear of them finding out who you really are.


Exhausting- and still doesn't lead to good relationships because at the end of the day- it's not who you are. So why don't you walk around being "yourself" from the beginning? Well stigma often leads into
shame.

What is the harm of stigma?Some of the most harmful effects of stigma occur when it alters how people view themselves, also known as self-stigma.
Self-stigma is the acceptance of prejudiced perceptions held by others. This can lead to a reluctance to seek treatment, excessive reliance on others, social withdrawal, poor self-worth and it may also lead to abuse of alcohol and drugs. (op cit)

A lot of people are telling you you're crazy, avoiding you and want nothing to do with you. Are unable to react to you as they would other people. The ones who mock are incredibly unhelpful too- and your feelings of self worth are degraded to virtually non-existant.


Enter Shame.


For me, some of the events that led to me being how I am (see post- Malignant Narcissism), are particularly confusing, distressing and shameful not only for me, but for people who hear of it. Some of what happened seems almost implausible, so for people to reconcile it into a reality they recognise in their own minds, they think "hmm... well this can't possibly be true... so you must be lieing". Once the situation has been created enough times whereby you have been humiliated into apologising for being who and what you are- you even start to question it yourself- could it really be true?


Disgusted, rejected and feeling worthless, you willingly, or are pressured into entering Silence.


Shh don't talk about it. Why don't you write that stuff in a journal instead? Or can't you talk about a lighter topic? I do apologise, this must be upsetting for you to read.


As with many uncomfortable topics we keep it quiet. No one like to talk, hear or for many, even think about it.


So I have reached the point, after 29 years and 363 days trying to hide what and who I am, how I feel and where I came from. The 2000+ suicides every year in Australia suggest that I'm not the only one feeling at least some of this, and I hope that in revealing something about myself it might help at least one other person in the world dealing with similar issues feel a bit less isolated and alone. Feel 1% less shame in knowing they are not that "different".


My own micro-scale breaking the silence program. If I am to be treated differently, isolated, ostracised etc then let it be for who and what I am, not something I try to be to make you feel more comfortable.


Repercussions
Of course there are. Sometimes I am crying while I write, have a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach, or even as I did last night- vomit.


I know that by opening up my life, it may bring more shame, more stigma on me- and more social isolation as more people choose not to associate with me, for whatever reason they choose to justify it to themselves. See it how you like- somewhat brave or irretrievably stupid- that is your judgement to make.


Fear that it could bring shame and stigma on other people who I care for, who have lived through it and may have questions asked, or accusations made. That they may be hurt in the process.


We did not choose to be born into the world of an abusive father. None of this you choose. Some are fortunate enough not to remember and are less affected than others. Why is not clear, but no one wants to hate themselves, be constantly afraid or stressed.


At the end of it all- I think we just want what anyone wants- to be accepted, and possibly even loved, despite all that has gone before. To say that someone who has been the victim of abuse, or has mental illness is in anyway less worthy of being supported or loved, takes stigma into discrimination.

Malignant Narcissism

So today I begin to scracth the surface as to why I am so completed fucked in the head, with an introduction to my father- a malignant pathological narcissist (*my synopsis of the situation, as per evidence witnessed. I don't know if this was ever formally diagnosed).

Wikipedia on the topic:

Narcissistic personality disorder
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders fourth edition, DSM IV-TR, a widely used manual for diagnosing mental disorders, defines narcissistic personality disorder (in Axis II Cluster B) as:^[1]

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4. Requires excessive admiration
5. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6. Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
8. Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Malignant narcissism has been described as "an extreme form of antisocial personality disorder that is manifest in a person who is pathologically grandiose, lacking in conscience and behavioral regulation, and with characteristic demonstrations of joyful cruelty and sadism".^[1]

The following extracts from The World of the Narcissist (Essay) By: Dr. Sam Vaknin** I find very true to my lived experience if it:

The narcissist is forced to use other people in order to feel that he exists. It is trough their eyes and through their behaviour that he obtains proof of his uniqueness and grandeur. He is a habitual "people-junkie". With time, he comes to regard those around him as mere instruments of gratification, as two-dimensional cartoon figures with negligible lines in the script of his magnificent life.
...He has to teach people around him that these provoke him into frightful fits of temper and rage attacks and turn him into a constantly cantankerous and irascible person. His exaggerated reactions constitute a punishment for their inconsiderateness and their ignorance of his true psychological state.
The narcissist blames others for his behaviour, accuses them of provoking him into his temper tantrums and believes firmly that "they" should be punished for their "misbehaviour". Apologies – unless accompanied by verbal or other humiliation – are not enough. The fuel of the narcissist's rage is spent mainly on vitriolic verbal send-offs directed at the (often imaginary) perpetrator of the (oft innocuous) offence.

So how this all translated into my life was a combination of things.

Firstly there's the seemingly innocuous- music. We were put through violin lessons from the age of 5. Oh how cute and how lucky to be given that opportunity I hear you saying? Next we were put into eisteddfords where we had to perform in front of lots of people, and at dinner parties etc. I was a painfully shy child- who could barely say hello to someone, let alone perform in front of them. But I was so much more petrified of the consequences if I didnt- which would definitely include a tantrum, and on a fair majority of occassions would also involve fists.
Another example would be when we first got a computer, in about 1993, when I was about 11 or 12. On finally being allowed to use the computer, I mistakenly clicked on the clock in the corner of the screen, opened that window. I didn't know it was the system computer, and clicked on the face of the analogue image, and the time on the clock changed. As this was boring, I closed the window and a moment later my father appeared. He noted the time was different on the computer to that on his watch and asked what I had done, at which point I realised thats what the clock thing I saw was.

A rational person's response : Click, click (to match the wrist watch). The end.

A somewhat cranky person with little computer knowledge's response: Oh crap. How do I fix that? Maybe I'll read the instructions, or have a look at it and try.

What actually happened: I was thrown off the chair, into a set of shelves, with my head then shoulder impacting first.

As we grew older and, crucially- my brother grew to be taller, broader and obviously stronger than he was, the physical side of things was scaled back. To maintian his status though, the psychological warfare on the family increased. 

One time I said something he didn't like. The reaction was that he wrote a letter to the principal of my school to let them know that I'd been involved in illicit activities and caused some damage to the school. Only I hadn't- it was purely made up by him. This was as I had topped a class and was due to be given an award at the end of the school year, which was instead not given, and I was made to write a letter of apology instead for something I hadn't done. If I didn't write it, I would have been suspended and possibly expelled.

Erode any chance of escape, support or gaining help from those around you, by making them all think you're a worthless turd, and oh what a great father he is for putting up with such naughty children. How respectful and honest for reporting these things openly so that the school would not be damaged by what a threat I was, too.

Just a few examples there, but this was a very unpredictable thing. You never knew what might upset him or when, or what the reaction would be. This created a constant environment of fear, where I was utterly petrified of anything and everything, lest he hear, see, suspect, or find out.

So there's a brief introduction to the first 17 years of my life, living every day under his roof.

**I find Vaknin's writings on the issue interesting- and recommend anyone else interested should check out the site: http://samvak.tripod.com/msla.html

Things that shit me #9- Hypocrites

The priest, who says "Thou shalt not commit adultery" while buggering the altar boys.

Bogans, who yell out "learn how to drive dickhead!" while speeding 20kms over the limit, overtaking (by crossing the double white lines) the person who they're shouting at who was driving within the legal limit, while lighting a cigarette and texting.

Fat people, who mock Biggest Loser contestants.

The politician who says "I won't do.. " well just about anything really.

The chick who says "Oh she deserved that urinary tract infection, coz she's been sleeping around", and ten minutes later laughing at the suggestion that 20 partners by age 30 could be considered slutty because "she's had way more than that already".

Nothing terribly poignant to add here. It just shits me.
Closely realted to #8- Arrogance, and #1- morons.

Guilt as a concept.

Guilt is an interesting concept- it's a learned social medium for controlling on an ongoing basis, from within, by manipulating fear responses.

Ie- if you do an act, say steal an apple, you may feel guilt- not because someone yells at you, and if you're not caught and don't disclose the act to anyone, there are no social consequences. The guilt feeling comes from within- the fear of retribution, or knowledge of having violated some social expectation or rule.

Its a nifty tool for institutions like religions, or governments, as it allows them to have a way to control larger numbers of people, on a continuous basis, without having to take as much overt action. Which in the apple instance, not such a bad thing really- you shouldn't steal because you are reducing the shopkeepers chance of making a livelihood. However, if you were broke and starving it should be an understandable circumstance, but in which case asking the shopkeeper nicely for a free apple might be a less offensive approach to the situation.

The Catholic church is a famous example with it's "if you do (x) you will be sent to hell to burn for the rest of eternity", where x= masturbating, thinking impure thoughts, not loving thy family, not going to church, scratching your arse on the bus or whatever else you wish to interpret the texts as being.

From the beginning of life it's ingrained "Santa knows who has been good or bad".

What is fucked up though, is the more common uses. The ways which people more subtley undermine and attack each other and themselves.

The everyday to ourselves- a wistful glance at a potato wedge and sour cream, accompanied with the "oh but you're too fat already, and you had a bowl of pasta for lunch..."

The bastard imposing guilt on another- " I cheated on you because you dont do (x) for me in bed"

The psychologically unbalanced, and overt- "if you dont call me later I'll cut my wrists"

Some people are immune to it. "Bugger off- I'm hungry and I want an apple."; "I'm horny and he's there, I dont care if he's your ex- I'm going to shag him".

Others are entirely inconsistent "I cheated on you because you dont do (x) for me in bed... but please call me later... if you don't I'll cut my wrists".

Thousands of examples, but why do we do it? Why are people so readily hurting each other?

My guilt today is partly for unintentionally hurting someone where I had intended to defend and support them. The intent was the opposite, but create harm I did.

Dirty thirty

Next week is the big 30 for me. Thirty years old. Dirty thirty.

The thing with 30 is that it's a big milestone birthday. One which people mark the progress of your life by. When you're a kid, its always "where do you imagine yourself being when you're 30?" or what would you like to acheive by then?

In high school, a girl told me once that she had voted for me as "most ambitious" in the grade. Which at the time I took as a compliment from her, as she was a skanky ho who had always bullied me, and I thought she had no respect for me at all. While that is just a moderately amusing thing that stuck with me, the irony is I was never very specifically ambitious. I had no idea what career I wanted, thought I probably would never get married or have kids, and was without any direction.

Despite not knowing where to point myself, the ambition was there, but with no real purpose. So I've floundered about, had at least 4 different career changes, never been much good at any of them. Never been anywhere even close to marriage or children as that would require the ability to have a successful relationship, or at least not be so anally retentive and "careful" that I've never even had a pregnancy scare.

So when I look at what measures would normally be applied as being a success by 30:
- married? No
- relationship? No
- kids? No
- job? hanging on by a frustrating thread
- house? yes, but heavily in mortgage stress and have a tenant as I cant afford to live alone
- happy? No

So the score would be about 0.7/ 6 - an abject failure.

I still have no direction, and barely more of an idea of who I am or what I want to be. The future looks furry- as the crazy cat lady label adheres itself to the fabric of my life (and no lint remover is getting off that much hair).

Family and communication

Family and communication are things which often logically go together for a lot of people. I'm not one of them, unless you're using the word communication with the prefix "mis".
I am not the only member of my gene pool with significant issues, and this combination creates the appropriate atmosphere for some ripper fights. The last huge fight I had sent me into avoidance mode, and I have now had close to no communication whatsoever with my youngest older half sister*, "R", for almost 2 years. There's no point in rehashing the who said what hurtful events , as its the where to now that is important.
* I have 5 half-sisters, all of whom are older than me, and R is the youngest of those 5, and is 9 years my senior.

R has borderline personality disorder, which is a not very well understood or widely known condition. Wikipedia at 8 Nov 2011 states it to be:
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a personality disorder described as a prolonged disturbance of personality function in a person (generally over the age of eighteen years, although it is also found in adolescents), characterized by depth and variability of moods.^{[n 1]} The disorder typically involves unusual levels of instability in mood; black and white thinking, or splitting; the disorder often manifests itself in idealization and devaluation episodes, as well as chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self. In extreme cases, this disturbance in the sense of self can lead to periods of dissociation.^[1]
BPD splitting includes a switch between idealizing and demonizing others. This, combined with mood disturbances, can undermine relationships with family, friends, and co-workers. BPD disturbances also may include self-harm.^[2] Without treatment, symptoms may worsen, leading (in extreme cases) to suicide attempts.^{[n 2]}

BPD is often characterized by multiple low-lethality suicide attempts triggered by seemingly minor incidents, and less commonly by high-lethality attempts that are attributed to impulsiveness or comorbid clinical depression, with interpersonal stressors appearing to be particularly common triggers.^[24] Ongoing family interactions and associated vulnerabilities can lead to self-destructive behavior.^[18


The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders fourth edition, DSM IV-TR, a widely used manual for diagnosing mental disorders, defines borderline personality disorder (in Axis II Cluster B) as:^[1][13]

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

I know that Wikipedia, by the nature of its methodology, is not always entirely accurate, but given that this disease is also somewhat unknown, and the knowledge of it is evolving, it seems to be a relevant reference. In my experience, what is listed is true, and would match what I have seen and experienced of R.

An example of how this manifests itself into your life- One period of time involved daily phone calls to me at 2, 3 or 4am, which were either incredibly tearful or sometimes manically happy. When I finally asked for the phone calls to be not between the hours of midnight and 6am on Sun- Thurs (work) nights, the next phone call I received was about a week later. It was from the hospital- R had cut her wrists. Subsequent discussions were around how she felt abandoned and alone.

I am not suggesting it was her intention to be manipulative and make me feel bad, but feel incredibly crap I did.

The culmination of the last fight was that R said to me "well fuck you cunt", and that triggered in me a reciprocal fuck you response, as I felt I had been going over and above what anyone could reasonably expect to be helpful (remember- this is my version of events. I acknowledge that her lived experience may have been different. Some of what was said and done is, however, recorded in a series of text messages).

At first I thought screw her, after 20 or so years of this, I've had enough. If she ever wants a relationship with me, she'd better do some serious grovelling.

Then I went into the acceptance, and realised that her condition would probably prevent her from ever doing that, and that the initial reaction/ incident was fairly inconsequential.


But then I got stuck.

What I knew was that I felt incredibly stressed out any time I thought of contacting her. Afraid that my whole life could descend back into chaos, and that if we had another falling out, I would feel responsible for any possible suicide attempts/ self harm/ jailings (R getting into violent bar fights is not unknown)/ institutionalisations.

What if she ever succeeded? I would certainly feel at least in part responsible for whatever happened. Some people have said "oh no- that wouldnt be your fault at all". Ok, I understand you think that- but YOU try living with it.

The longer time goes on though, I feel incredible amounts of guilty weighing heavily, as I have cut off a member of my family, and someone who is in need.

I still cant decide what to do, as it's a no win situation, with either side leaving me brimming with anxiety, angst, guilt and sadness.

Moral Dilemma!

My friend just posted pictures online of his wedding. In one picture in particular, his wife's nipples and areola are clearly visible through her wedding dress- argh!

To be an arse- it was really awkward to be confronted with them unexpectedly! And as a friend- should I tell him? (I've never met her). They're online now, so once its on the net- that's forever, so would that just create a nasty feeling? Besides- the bystander effect is in full swing- I havent seen him in years, and I'm guessing at least 100 people would have seen the pics by now, so why should I share this highly personal, sensitive information with him *shirks responsibility*.

Maybe they knew and didnt care? Would that make me a humungous prude to be embarrassed for them if they didnt care?

Things that shit me #8- Arrogance (part one)

I range in reactions from moderately bemused at for example the fat chick squeezed into a tiny dress, or the Shane Warne's of this world who have the general "I'm awesome" attitude while the rest of the world is thinking "you're a douchebag", to disgusted or enraged by, for example, a racist bogan who will tell an (Autralian born) Asian cop to "fuck off back where he came from". Right, so that would be here.. for about as many generations as you.

What it appears to boil down to is a complete lack of self-awareness. From the simple situation of one who may not own a mirror and hey- that dress looked awesome on Miranda Kerr in that magazine, never mind that you're a size 16, to the other end of the scale where surely these people must either be trying to offend, or are suffering from a chronic rectal-cranial inversion.

I've even offered on occassion to assist them in removing their head from their arse, but it's not generally met with much welcoming enthusiasm.

"Oh and I suppose you're perfect then"- the usual retort. Nope- I'll be the first to admit I have MANY flaws, faults and shortcomings, as is the topic of well, most of my blog, and again- as evidenced by this being published publically on the internet for the world to see, I don't hide it.

Call it mentally streaking through the internet if you will- Some bits will jiggle and not look pretty, but that's how it is. (on that note, just as an aside- no one looks "good" streaking, but bouncy bits are funny.)

So would it be too much to ask that people once in a while go hmm.. I'm not perfect either actually... perhaps next time I feel like being a stupid arse, I will wait 3 seconds and think if its worth it.

OOh yeah- this is so turning into a part one... coming soon: Things that shit me #8 Arrogance, subcategories-
8a) racists
8b) wanky guys who think they're really hot and you should be honoured to be sleazed onto by them
8c) road hogs/ ppl who cut you off and overtake to get 2 metres ahead.

Skyline FAIL!

This morning I was waiting, and waiting and waiting and waiting in a line of rush hour traffic to turn onto a main road.

Thing was- I was waiting...waiting... waiting for one car which couldn't seem to find the accelerator for any of the substantial breaks in traffic which appeared and would have been sufficient enough for Lola, my '97 Corolla, to wriggle her gutless lil butt into. The vehicle in question unable to make this move, however, was a Nissan Skyline.

As the seconds inflated out of all proportion in my frustrated mind, I noted the Skyline:
- was pink
- had teddy bears and other stuffed zoological paraphernalia in the rear window
- had a early 20's blonde ponytailed driver (although as a late 20s ponytailed blonde driver myself I'm not sure my commentary adds validity to this point)

and in this time, I was just wishing I had some spare letters and a chisel in my pocket to pop out and change the label on the vehicle from Skyline to Pantyliner.

That is all.

Negs

Negs

I once met a little red haired bloke who nuded up in a public pool (much to the disgust of all around him, and no- it wasn't that cold, and if you felt the need to justify it we know you've heard it before and yes- it's small) and later shared with a friend a process he called giving "negs".
In short, this meant saying something negative to a female he was attempting too woo, to subtley undermine their self confidence, and I can only assume bring them down closer to his level- lurking in the gutter with the other fetid sludge-like organisms.

An example of a neg- "You could be really attractive if you lost weight".

On the surface- a compliment "you're really attractive", but read a little further into it, and you see the reality- "you're fat and unattractive". Being delivered in a calm manner, it has a very passive effect- where people wonder if they heard it right, and hesitate to active the automatic reaction of "fuck off you total arsehat", as that's not the socially acceptable way to react to a compliment, because that's what he intended, right?

This type of behaviour should be dispelled ideally with a swift kick to the nuts, but what happens if the negs are internal? If your own brain reacts to every bit of information you get, shreds anything good and turns it into a neg.

An example this week- I received the following email:
"Seeing as you two [ + Ms Tammy of A Lesson in Letters] are now the queens of blogging (with some awesome stuff – very impressed!), I thought you might appreciate this, if you’re not familiar with it already: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/

She’s awesomeJ

My brain says:
Ah yes, Ms Tammy and her writing is awesome, I guess [the writer] felt obliged to include me in there too.
...after checking out Hyperbole and a Half...
[The writer] must have sent me this new blog because she knows I'm a crazy depressive nutbag. I can never live up to the writings of this other crazy depressive nutbag because I can't accompany it with cutesy pie lil cartoons. Jealous. Inadequate. More depressed. *slump*

Identifying it is one thing. Changing it is a whole other self-defeating spiral of difficulty.

 

PS- Okay I posted, panicked, and am amending this due to guilt, which only demonstrates this self-neg effect even more.

 

The reaction was- Oh shit, if [the emailer] thinks I'm pissed coz she sent it I'll feel guilty, because that wasn't my intention, and I know that wasn't what she would have intended when sending it.

 

I recognise that if nothing else, I am not nice to be around and completely understand why I am frequently avoided. I don't expect anyone to understand any of this- I don't. I drive me nuts, so I imagine it would be entirely off the planet and frustrating to deal with or try to comprehend for those who haven't lived it for 29.95 years! 

42- #1

The Answer to the Great Question...Of Life, the Universe and Everything... Is...Forty-two," said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm.- Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams.

What is the meaning of life?
A few options:
*Hedonism- the pursuit of pleasure and enjoyment. Happiness. A bit shallow and selfish, but one many live by.
*Religion- we are here because [insert deity here] put us here/ created us. Basic,  somewhat overly simple, and falls apart as soon as you ask "why?".
*Procreation- to breed. Go forth and multiply. Spread the human plague further.

So if you neither enjoy your existence, ascribe to a theism or breed (due to intent or otherwise). Is your life meaningless?

At what point do you decide it isn't worth it?

If you contribute nothing to the world beyond a few carbon emissions and tax dollars, would it benefit the world more if you ceased to be? The world's population reached 7 million this week- it would be mighty arrogant and small minded to think that the existence of one was in any way significant.

An aside to the dark side- Hate self

I learnt the phrase "hate self" from a slightly neurotic co-worker, who would say it several times a day for any reason from a computer freezing to an actual difficult situation. I never really knew if she genuinely meant it, but it stuck with me as a very apt, succinct synopsis for my own being.

Hate- I loathe, detest, am disgusted with, ashamed of, resent, fear,
and believe:
Self- I, me, myself, everything that I am, my being, personality(s)
is not worthy of existence, being, breathing, consuming resources or inflicting others with my presence.

I frequently want to remove myself from existence, but have neither the guts, fortitude or character to go through with it. A fact which makes it all the more bitter and ironic- I loathe that I am too inept to even resolve this, of all problems.