Cancer, and the loss of hope

In mid 2011 I got a surprise I wasn't expecting and certainly didn't want. I had a cancerous tumour inside me.

Albeit non-invasive and possibly surgically removed, 2 operations and 8 months later I am not sure if it's "gone". The next screen is in late February.

For a very open, and often overly honest person, I have been very reluctant to talk about this for a number of reasons, but what the hell- according to the stats, no one is actually reading this shit anyway!

1- I don't know what to say. Am I ok would probably be the question? Well.. physically, I dont know if it's gone, and mentally- I don't know if it's gone (and hence all the implications that come with that)!

2- How people might treat you-  the "oh poor you" shit, and having to have that pity overtake everything. I don't want to have to talk about it all the time or see it in people's eyes when I talk to them.

3- Stigma around the type of cancer. It is cervical cancer, so gynaecological, which means that you're already talking about highly personal areas, and then there's the "oh, that's the sluts' disease right?" (yes I have actually heard people talk about it in that way) aka you DESERVE it. Do you engage them in a whole debate as to how you only need one partner etc to get it, knowing that it won't change their mind and you remain the skanky ho-bag with the manky private parts?

People's misunderstandings are marvellous- the "oh, but everyone gets an abnormal pap smear" yes, about 70% will at some point in their life, and 99% will get some form of HPV. Most of them will go away without every needing any treatment. I did not have this situation- I got to pass Go, do not collect $200, and head straight to cancer.

The implications are a fun set, from [if it's not gone] the next stage being a full hysterectomy- meaning I will never be able to have children, to the knowledge that I could potentially infect partners and give them penile cancer etc (although the probabilities of that are less than 1%) or may have already unknowingly done so. Brings back memories of Eddie Murphy's Delerious sketch "what's next, you put your dick in and it explodes?".

Or do you choose option b: not have treatment, and let the cancer eat you? Life expectancy would be approximately 10 years- but would you want to live, if it means giving up the hope of a family and everything you wanted anyway?