Backwards to a Foreword

I started these writings with the intent of making mostly comedic style social observations. But opinions are like arseholes- everyone's got one- and as if often the way- the original intent is not what has eventuated, as the darker side of my mind has been very much in control lately.

All my writings are essentially a point of view or recollections of lived experiences. As with witness statements, which are not admissible as evidence in court due to the high rate of inaccuracy- sometimes what I feel, think or remember won't be the same as other people who may have been present for the same events.

They are my thoughts, feelings and memories, and may not necessarily represent those of people represented in them.

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

... than to never have loved at all

What is love?


Not "I love my job", "I love my brother" or "I love my cats"- I'm talking about the romantic kind- being "in love"- a union with a partner, spouse, lover.


There have been several times in my life where I thought that perhaps I was in love. But then time passed, and with the wisdom of hindsight you see how deluded or false it was, and with a few minor realisations, was all gone in an instant.


The older I get, the more I think I really have no understanding on the subject. This mysterious concept that seems so central to what it is to be human.


Moreover, what is it to be loved? Even at times where I thought I loved someone, romantic or otherwise, I felt that I was not loved in return. I have been guilty of using the phrase "if you really loved me, then you would...[or wouldn't...eg go to the strip club on that bucks night]"  but I suppose everyone has a different sense of what those rules and ideals are. It can't be healthy to use ultimatums, and yet who hasn't at some point. Is it the fear of losing love, or the illusion of it we have convinced ourselves of? One person's love is another's hatred or scorn.


Richard Bach said "If you love someone then set them free, if they come back they're yours. If they don't they never were.". The popular incarnation of this quote is "... if they don't come back it was never meant to be" whic is somewhat less harsh than they were never yours. Either way it is an incredibly painful thing, to realise they never were, especially if you still wish for what could have been though it's beyond reach, probably forever.

Perhaps its just the grass is greener effect, that because you never ended the relationship under more "normal" circumstances, with some malice, or falling out of love etc, that you don't have the same closure? Or was it that you horribly misjudged the situation with your heart at the time, and the feelings were never reciprocated? I'd like to think that it was unavoidable, or that if I never had to leave it would have been different, but the truth is I'll never know, and regrets are not something to hold on to.
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