Backwards to a Foreword

I started these writings with the intent of making mostly comedic style social observations. But opinions are like arseholes- everyone's got one- and as if often the way- the original intent is not what has eventuated, as the darker side of my mind has been very much in control lately.

All my writings are essentially a point of view or recollections of lived experiences. As with witness statements, which are not admissible as evidence in court due to the high rate of inaccuracy- sometimes what I feel, think or remember won't be the same as other people who may have been present for the same events.

They are my thoughts, feelings and memories, and may not necessarily represent those of people represented in them.

Friday, 13 April 2012

Confidence is hot

I was once told by a guy I was seeing that I was "smoking hot". Being one who is not used to receiving compliments, I don't really know what to do with them, and it made me feel uncomfortable.

I will quite gladly enter into discussions and argue my position on a point, and I'll be the first to admit when I don't have enough information to make an informed choice, but when it comes to my physical appearance, I have always lacked self esteem. I have received far more comments in my life of the variety of the "Douchebags online" post- ie you're fat, ugly, a total dog etc than positive comments.

I think a lot of that is linked back to the insecurity theory (see post on "Negs")- that if you keep a partner feeling insecure about themselves, it makes up for some of your own insecurity- in that it keeps them in the mindset that they couldn't do any better than you, and hence they're less likely to leave you.

So the image I have of myself is anything but hot, let alone "Smokin" hot, and I found myself instantly dismissing and justifying the comment in my head:
- he's just talking on behalf of the bulge in his pants, hoping that he'll get more of a use for it
- he's got low standards
- clearly he's never seen me naked, or he'd change his mind quickly
etc

Maintaining the self-image I have grown to know so well. While I don't feel "good" about it, it's safer to stay in that image, instead of stepping outside the well known realm into uncharted territory.

The same guy who told dropped the "smoking hot" comment, a few weeks later did indeed change his mind on the topic, and told me "your lack of confidence makes you very unattractive". I can see his point- but as I've written about before (see posts "Attraction" and Things that shit me "Arrogance"), sometimes too much confidence, or that which is expressed overtly, can be very off putting.

So while I know I'm a long way off being a supermodel, I don't think that telling myself someone could never genuinely believe I'm attractive is impossible is constructive, and I've been trying to change this. After having it in your mind for 30 years, saying it out loud is a lot easier to stop than having the thoughts at all.
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1 comment:

  1. Luke Collins14 April 2012 at 00:33

    I am just learning this one myself. That unconditional positive regard for myself would not instantly turn me into a fuckwit, would not make people think i was up myself. It just tells people to hold me in unconditional positive regard regardless of the mistakes i make

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