Lately I have noticed how the hatred of women is still alive and well. Some recent articles have put it well:
http://www.cracked.com/article_19785_5-ways-modern-men-are-trained-to-hate-women_p2.html
http://www.theage.com.au/opinion/society-and-culture/women-arent--fruit-and-men-arent-accessories-20120423-1xg94.html#ixzz1sqhtHpS9
In my own experience this is all sad but true.
My workplace currently has quotas to get women into management and on advisory boards. Trouble is, all this generates is more resentment so that a lot of the men (and women) are now saying "she only got the job because she's a woman", and do everything they can to discredit women's skills or merit in the roles. It's not just men who do it- women attribute success to other women's physical attractiveness over their skills, experience, qualifications or even a good personality- instead assuming "she must be sleeping with someone there", or "it's just because she's got nice boobs".
In my personal life, I can't think of how many times I've been told I'm a rancid bitch for breaking up with my ex, because I should have been so grateful to have him (even when he was an hour late to pick me up post surgery as he "lost track of time", and parked ages away so he didn't have to pay for parking, even though, with stitches etc I wasn't meant to be moving around- what a guy), especially since I'm 30 now (the end of the world! *gasp*).
A few months back I was chatting to a guy in the pub, who I suspect was hitting on me, as I had never met him before and he invited himself to the table (or is that me being an egotistical cow trying to control his penis and falsely-assuming I'm attractive?), and when asked what I did that day answered honestly "I mowed the lawn and did another section of the retaining wall I'm putting in the back yard". I could see him physically recoiling- all the relaxation in his body disappeared as he sat up straight, to a position where he could look down at me, and snorted "well what do you need a man for then?". To me- there had been no mention of men or me wanting or needing one, but I could see that I had somehow made him feel he had no purpose, in that I didn't desperately need a big strong man to lift, carry and build things for me.
As outlined in the cracked.com article, ideas of masculinity and what it is to be a man are tied in to being as unfeminine as possible: The idea of having a "man card", which can be revoked if you don't act "manly" enough. I'm sure we've all seen guys jostle around and tease a man who dares to enjoy a cocktail instead of a beer (or other accepted "man- drink") or expresses an emotion (other than towards a football team, during a game). We have just modernised the cave man going hunting while the woman pops out babies concepts for the modern day- man drinks and grunts at football, mows lawn and earns money, while the woman still has a sexual role- popping out babies, providing sex and being attractive.
The other day I was in a conversation where someone didn't feel comfortable about receiving a compliment. I agreed that I also felt uncomfortable if someone commented on my looks, partly because it's not my strong suit, and partly because I wonder what their motivation is- especially if it's a male. The retort I received from the guys was pure vitriol "you women always do that to us men- you think we only want sex", and off into other such misogynistic diatribes. Why do I think a man is thinking about sex if they compliment my physical appearance? Because in my experience, 99 times out of 100 they do, and very soon after they expect a thrilled, giggling, flirtatious reaction, which gives them the opportunity to try and kiss you or ask for your phone number etc.
I remember when I was in university, that a group of people (about 6 males, plus me) were sitting around a table having a beer at the tavern on campus, when one of the guys, who I didn't know well, was recalling a story about his recent sexual conquests with a girl- in some detail. A few minutes into his story he realised, with some horror "oh shit- there's a chick here" ie me- sitting at the table, and abruptly ended his tale. One of the other guys leapt to my defense with an odd compliment "Nah- it's ok- Sas isn't a chick!". While the compliment suggested I was accepted, it was still based on me having been dissociated from my gender, because you couldn't be both a decent person, and female.
See related posts on:
- Negs
- Masculinity and Projected Insecurity
- Is Christianity Inherently Misogynistic
Friday, 27 April 2012
Sunday, 22 April 2012
ANZAC Day Tribute
I am not one who likes war, conflict or memorialising such events, but I do recognise what the people who fought for us have given.
So many young men in my family have been lost during wartimes. A few of them are remembered below.
Clement Frederick Broomham
http://www.awm.gov.au/research/people/roll_of_honour/person.asp?p=542249
http://trove.nla.gov.au/work/16065730
One of the saddest stories, Clement Broomham was captured, and held as a Prisoner of War in the Sandakan camp, Borneo.
After more than two years as a prisoner of the Japanese, in May 1945 he died in the camp, aged 26.
I can only imagine what hardship he must have endured, and what it would take to break down a young man to the point of death. All the more tragic that after years imprisoned, slowly being left to starve and rot to death, he died a few short months before peacetime.
Not all who fought perished. My grandfather fought in Egypt in WWII, and lost most of his hearing when a bomb when off near him. He also sustained a shrapnel injury in his head, which caused persistent infections for the remainder of his life. Although he didn't die, he was not often able to work, and due to the little support or pension that was available in those days it meant the family lived in near poverty for much of their lives. With his hearing, he also lost much of his ability to communicate with people and as such, much of his quality of life.
I would also like to reflect on a few of my ancestors who fought and lost their lives (albeit in tragic, but not traditional circumstances).
Oswald Charles Cherry
http://www.awm.gov.au/research/people/roll_of_honour/person.asp?p=546434
Oswald C. Cherry, or "Mick" as he was known to friends, had incredibly poor eyesight. This was seemingly a blessing in disguise when in Australia became involved in WWII, and his eyesight prevented him from being deployed to conflict areas. As such he served in a medical unit.
One night the unit set up camp near a beach in Indonesia when a storm came up. The wild winds brought a tree down on their tent and he was killed.
Loyal George Cherry
http://www.awm.gov.au/research/people/honours_and_awards/person.asp?p=427043
After going to WWI in the 2nd battalion Loyal G. Cherry was quickly promoted and returned to Australia (alive!) a military medallist.
After riding his motorbike from New South Wales to South Australia, he intended to try and set a land speed record from Adelaide to Melbourne.
During the attempt a spring came loose, and the motorbike crashed, killing him instantly.
http://trove.nla.gov.au/ndp/del/article/5631910
It's a sad reality that even if you survive the toughest of situations, you never know what will get you at any time.
So many young men in my family have been lost during wartimes. A few of them are remembered below.
Clement Frederick Broomham
http://www.awm.gov.au/research/people/roll_of_honour/person.asp?p=542249
http://trove.nla.gov.au/work/16065730
One of the saddest stories, Clement Broomham was captured, and held as a Prisoner of War in the Sandakan camp, Borneo.
After more than two years as a prisoner of the Japanese, in May 1945 he died in the camp, aged 26.
I can only imagine what hardship he must have endured, and what it would take to break down a young man to the point of death. All the more tragic that after years imprisoned, slowly being left to starve and rot to death, he died a few short months before peacetime.
Not all who fought perished. My grandfather fought in Egypt in WWII, and lost most of his hearing when a bomb when off near him. He also sustained a shrapnel injury in his head, which caused persistent infections for the remainder of his life. Although he didn't die, he was not often able to work, and due to the little support or pension that was available in those days it meant the family lived in near poverty for much of their lives. With his hearing, he also lost much of his ability to communicate with people and as such, much of his quality of life.
I would also like to reflect on a few of my ancestors who fought and lost their lives (albeit in tragic, but not traditional circumstances).
Oswald Charles Cherry
http://www.awm.gov.au/research/people/roll_of_honour/person.asp?p=546434
Oswald C. Cherry, or "Mick" as he was known to friends, had incredibly poor eyesight. This was seemingly a blessing in disguise when in Australia became involved in WWII, and his eyesight prevented him from being deployed to conflict areas. As such he served in a medical unit.
One night the unit set up camp near a beach in Indonesia when a storm came up. The wild winds brought a tree down on their tent and he was killed.
Loyal George Cherry
http://www.awm.gov.au/research/people/honours_and_awards/person.asp?p=427043
After going to WWI in the 2nd battalion Loyal G. Cherry was quickly promoted and returned to Australia (alive!) a military medallist.
After riding his motorbike from New South Wales to South Australia, he intended to try and set a land speed record from Adelaide to Melbourne.
During the attempt a spring came loose, and the motorbike crashed, killing him instantly.
http://trove.nla.gov.au/ndp/del/article/5631910
It's a sad reality that even if you survive the toughest of situations, you never know what will get you at any time.
Friday, 13 April 2012
Confidence is hot
I was once told by a guy I was seeing that I was "smoking hot". Being one who is not used to receiving compliments, I don't really know what to do with them, and it made me feel uncomfortable.
I will quite gladly enter into discussions and argue my position on a point, and I'll be the first to admit when I don't have enough information to make an informed choice, but when it comes to my physical appearance, I have always lacked self esteem. I have received far more comments in my life of the variety of the "Douchebags online" post- ie you're fat, ugly, a total dog etc than positive comments.
I think a lot of that is linked back to the insecurity theory (see post on "Negs")- that if you keep a partner feeling insecure about themselves, it makes up for some of your own insecurity- in that it keeps them in the mindset that they couldn't do any better than you, and hence they're less likely to leave you.
So the image I have of myself is anything but hot, let alone "Smokin" hot, and I found myself instantly dismissing and justifying the comment in my head:
- he's just talking on behalf of the bulge in his pants, hoping that he'll get more of a use for it
- he's got low standards
- clearly he's never seen me naked, or he'd change his mind quickly
etc
Maintaining the self-image I have grown to know so well. While I don't feel "good" about it, it's safer to stay in that image, instead of stepping outside the well known realm into uncharted territory.
The same guy who told dropped the "smoking hot" comment, a few weeks later did indeed change his mind on the topic, and told me "your lack of confidence makes you very unattractive". I can see his point- but as I've written about before (see posts "Attraction" and Things that shit me "Arrogance"), sometimes too much confidence, or that which is expressed overtly, can be very off putting.
So while I know I'm a long way off being a supermodel, I don't think that telling myself someone could never genuinely believe I'm attractive is impossible is constructive, and I've been trying to change this. After having it in your mind for 30 years, saying it out loud is a lot easier to stop than having the thoughts at all.
I will quite gladly enter into discussions and argue my position on a point, and I'll be the first to admit when I don't have enough information to make an informed choice, but when it comes to my physical appearance, I have always lacked self esteem. I have received far more comments in my life of the variety of the "Douchebags online" post- ie you're fat, ugly, a total dog etc than positive comments.
I think a lot of that is linked back to the insecurity theory (see post on "Negs")- that if you keep a partner feeling insecure about themselves, it makes up for some of your own insecurity- in that it keeps them in the mindset that they couldn't do any better than you, and hence they're less likely to leave you.
So the image I have of myself is anything but hot, let alone "Smokin" hot, and I found myself instantly dismissing and justifying the comment in my head:
- he's just talking on behalf of the bulge in his pants, hoping that he'll get more of a use for it
- he's got low standards
- clearly he's never seen me naked, or he'd change his mind quickly
etc
Maintaining the self-image I have grown to know so well. While I don't feel "good" about it, it's safer to stay in that image, instead of stepping outside the well known realm into uncharted territory.
The same guy who told dropped the "smoking hot" comment, a few weeks later did indeed change his mind on the topic, and told me "your lack of confidence makes you very unattractive". I can see his point- but as I've written about before (see posts "Attraction" and Things that shit me "Arrogance"), sometimes too much confidence, or that which is expressed overtly, can be very off putting.
So while I know I'm a long way off being a supermodel, I don't think that telling myself someone could never genuinely believe I'm attractive is impossible is constructive, and I've been trying to change this. After having it in your mind for 30 years, saying it out loud is a lot easier to stop than having the thoughts at all.
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
... than to never have loved at all
What is love?
Not "I love my job", "I love my brother" or "I love my cats"- I'm talking about the romantic kind- being "in love"- a union with a partner, spouse, lover.
There have been several times in my life where I thought that perhaps I was in love. But then time passed, and with the wisdom of hindsight you see how deluded or false it was, and with a few minor realisations, was all gone in an instant.
The older I get, the more I think I really have no understanding on the subject. This mysterious concept that seems so central to what it is to be human.
Moreover, what is it to be loved? Even at times where I thought I loved someone, romantic or otherwise, I felt that I was not loved in return. I have been guilty of using the phrase "if you really loved me, then you would...[or wouldn't...eg go to the strip club on that bucks night]" but I suppose everyone has a different sense of what those rules and ideals are. It can't be healthy to use ultimatums, and yet who hasn't at some point. Is it the fear of losing love, or the illusion of it we have convinced ourselves of? One person's love is another's hatred or scorn.
Richard Bach said "If you love someone then set them free, if they come back they're yours. If they don't they never were.". The popular incarnation of this quote is "... if they don't come back it was never meant to be" whic is somewhat less harsh than they were never yours. Either way it is an incredibly painful thing, to realise they never were, especially if you still wish for what could have been though it's beyond reach, probably forever.
Perhaps its just the grass is greener effect, that because you never ended the relationship under more "normal" circumstances, with some malice, or falling out of love etc, that you don't have the same closure? Or was it that you horribly misjudged the situation with your heart at the time, and the feelings were never reciprocated? I'd like to think that it was unavoidable, or that if I never had to leave it would have been different, but the truth is I'll never know, and regrets are not something to hold on to.
Not "I love my job", "I love my brother" or "I love my cats"- I'm talking about the romantic kind- being "in love"- a union with a partner, spouse, lover.
There have been several times in my life where I thought that perhaps I was in love. But then time passed, and with the wisdom of hindsight you see how deluded or false it was, and with a few minor realisations, was all gone in an instant.
The older I get, the more I think I really have no understanding on the subject. This mysterious concept that seems so central to what it is to be human.
Moreover, what is it to be loved? Even at times where I thought I loved someone, romantic or otherwise, I felt that I was not loved in return. I have been guilty of using the phrase "if you really loved me, then you would...[or wouldn't...eg go to the strip club on that bucks night]" but I suppose everyone has a different sense of what those rules and ideals are. It can't be healthy to use ultimatums, and yet who hasn't at some point. Is it the fear of losing love, or the illusion of it we have convinced ourselves of? One person's love is another's hatred or scorn.
Richard Bach said "If you love someone then set them free, if they come back they're yours. If they don't they never were.". The popular incarnation of this quote is "... if they don't come back it was never meant to be" whic is somewhat less harsh than they were never yours. Either way it is an incredibly painful thing, to realise they never were, especially if you still wish for what could have been though it's beyond reach, probably forever.
Perhaps its just the grass is greener effect, that because you never ended the relationship under more "normal" circumstances, with some malice, or falling out of love etc, that you don't have the same closure? Or was it that you horribly misjudged the situation with your heart at the time, and the feelings were never reciprocated? I'd like to think that it was unavoidable, or that if I never had to leave it would have been different, but the truth is I'll never know, and regrets are not something to hold on to.
Monday, 9 April 2012
Is Christianity Inherently Misogynistic?- Part 1
A Christian friend recently found herself once again disapointed with her own faith after sitting through a misogynistic ceremony at a wedding, and started pondering the prospect that Chrisitanity is founded on a strong woman- hating basis. These are some of her thoughts and mine on the subject:
Firstly, I can't go past the following as a good start to exploring the subject: http://www.atheistfoundation.org.au/articles/women-bible
There is much obsession in these texts of women being objects, possessions or not having a right to self-determine any activities, especially if they are related to their sexuality. An extreme example of this is:
But if this charge is true (that she wasn't a virgin on her wedding night), and evidence of the girls virginity is not found, they shall bring the girl to the entrance of her fathers house and there her townsman shall stone her to death, because she committed a crime against Israel by her unchasteness in her father's house. Thus shall you purge the evil from your midst. (Deuteronomy 22:20-21)
So not only if a woman is not a virgin, but if she cannot prove that she is a virgin, she will be deemed guilty (of what? being raped is apparently still considered committing adultery if you're female) and killed. So what does this teach us- that the only value a woman has is a disused vagina? Apparently so:
"Have you allowed all the women to live?" he [Moses] asked them.... "Now ... kill every woman who has slept with a man, but save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man." Numbers 31:1-18 (NIV)
Despite all these Biblical quotes, however, the Bible as a text was written largely 1500+ years ago, and has undergone edits, modifications and translational changes, but reflects the society at the time. Many Christians view it as that- the historical interpretation of "God"'s teachings, in the context of society at the time. Others do not.
What's interesting is to see what effect Christian teachings have on current-day attitudes. One such example online is the recent "Modesty" survey.
http://www.therebelution.com/modestysurvey/
This survey contains items such as "The way a girl walks can be a stumbling block", with 50% of respondents agreeing, and 24.9% strongly agreeing. Open ended statements included "True. I have seen girls walking in a rather titillating way, but I would have to say that this type of immodesty can only be deliberate. It is more the obvious intention that gives the effect." and "Manner of walk can appear seductive, though most girls who walk in such a fashion probably do it intentionally.".
Have these people not considered:
a) that the wider hip angle caused by the change in bone structures in puberty caused by being female will alter a woman's gait involuntarily
b) some things just are, they are not done for or directed at you
c) you're a dirty bastard who can be turned on by anything and that is YOUR problem, not that of every female on the planet.
Another survey item: "The lines of undergarments, visible under clothing, cause guys to stumble.". The deference of responsibility in the way this is phrased (and the whole survey) is on two premises: - that males are not capable of controlling themselves, nor should they be expected to; and,
- it is the way a woman moves, acts, dresses, speaks or exists that causes the "problem".
I am not trying to label all Christians as woman haters, or all segments of Biblical teachings as wrong, but the discussion is worth opening up and exploring further as it's far from being baseless.
As a parting thought, I leave you with some Richard Dawkins on the topic of gender bias: http://boingboing.net/2011/06/18/richard-dawkins-sex.html
Firstly, I can't go past the following as a good start to exploring the subject: http://www.atheistfoundation.org.au/articles/women-bible
There is much obsession in these texts of women being objects, possessions or not having a right to self-determine any activities, especially if they are related to their sexuality. An extreme example of this is:
But if this charge is true (that she wasn't a virgin on her wedding night), and evidence of the girls virginity is not found, they shall bring the girl to the entrance of her fathers house and there her townsman shall stone her to death, because she committed a crime against Israel by her unchasteness in her father's house. Thus shall you purge the evil from your midst. (Deuteronomy 22:20-21)
So not only if a woman is not a virgin, but if she cannot prove that she is a virgin, she will be deemed guilty (of what? being raped is apparently still considered committing adultery if you're female) and killed. So what does this teach us- that the only value a woman has is a disused vagina? Apparently so:
"Have you allowed all the women to live?" he [Moses] asked them.... "Now ... kill every woman who has slept with a man, but save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man." Numbers 31:1-18 (NIV)
Despite all these Biblical quotes, however, the Bible as a text was written largely 1500+ years ago, and has undergone edits, modifications and translational changes, but reflects the society at the time. Many Christians view it as that- the historical interpretation of "God"'s teachings, in the context of society at the time. Others do not.
What's interesting is to see what effect Christian teachings have on current-day attitudes. One such example online is the recent "Modesty" survey.
http://www.therebelution.com/modestysurvey/
This survey contains items such as "The way a girl walks can be a stumbling block", with 50% of respondents agreeing, and 24.9% strongly agreeing. Open ended statements included "True. I have seen girls walking in a rather titillating way, but I would have to say that this type of immodesty can only be deliberate. It is more the obvious intention that gives the effect." and "Manner of walk can appear seductive, though most girls who walk in such a fashion probably do it intentionally.".
Have these people not considered:
a) that the wider hip angle caused by the change in bone structures in puberty caused by being female will alter a woman's gait involuntarily
b) some things just are, they are not done for or directed at you
c) you're a dirty bastard who can be turned on by anything and that is YOUR problem, not that of every female on the planet.
Another survey item: "The lines of undergarments, visible under clothing, cause guys to stumble.". The deference of responsibility in the way this is phrased (and the whole survey) is on two premises: - that males are not capable of controlling themselves, nor should they be expected to; and,
- it is the way a woman moves, acts, dresses, speaks or exists that causes the "problem".
I am not trying to label all Christians as woman haters, or all segments of Biblical teachings as wrong, but the discussion is worth opening up and exploring further as it's far from being baseless.
As a parting thought, I leave you with some Richard Dawkins on the topic of gender bias: http://boingboing.net/2011/06/18/richard-dawkins-sex.html
Sunday, 1 April 2012
Ye Olden Days #2- The Strangling
This is not exactly a lighthearted story like Ye Olden Days #1, but a series of events which has had a profound impression on me nonetheless.
One evening during the harvest festival, I went with a group of friends to a park where bbqs and celebrations were occurring for the holiday.
As often happens in a group outing, there is a variety of people, some who know each other and get along better than others as people bring friends, and they bring friends etc from different walks of life. In this case, a friend of my then boyfriend attended,with whom I had a mutually disagreeable relationship. My distaste for this individual arose from him being an unemployed alcoholic who rarely showered and was generally rude. His distaste for me arose from me being white (he was fairly misogynistic in general, but the hatred intensified for certain racial groups, namely caucasians- probably due to deep seated mummy issues... but I digress).
Whenever he and I were both in a group, it inevitably involved some tension, but I didn't assume it to be any different to many situations where you tolerate someone for the benefit of others- you ignore each other, while having fantasies in your head about them being hit by a bus. On occassion, when he was being truly disgusting towards a girlfriend/ woman I would say exactly that- that his behaviour was revolting.
This night he left the group for a while, presumably to find a toilet/ tree. When he returned, he came up behind me while I was sitting at the table with the rest of the group, and put me in a head lock. At first I thought he was messing around or trying to be funny, as did the others, and so I just told him to piss off.
He didn't release me, but after hesitating for a moment, he tightened his hold and also locked his other hand around my throat, pulling me off the bench backwards, onto the ground.
I couldn't speak, scream or do much at all. I tried to bite or kick him, and was unable to hit him effectively as he was behind me. Its terrifying to be that helpless, and it all happened so fast.
The rest of the group didn't realise what was happening for a moment either. My boyfriend even thought it was just fun and games and was laughing, not realising the seriousness of the situation. It was one of the other guys who jumped in and pulled Ben off me and punched him in the face. But what I am most troubled about was the next sequence of events.
My boyfriend went to Ben's assistance, to see if he was okay. Now I'm a feminist, and I don't advocate violence, but I would have thought that if someone, regardless of how good of a friend they were, had just strangled your partner, you would be doing something other than helping them.
He helped Ben get a taxi and sent him home.
Over the next few days I asked why he helped Ben, and phrases included:
"he's just got big issues"
"you were fine anyway, so it doesn't matter"
and I was encouraged to think that I was being unreasonable.
The worst part? I started believing it too. I felt guilty for wanting to kick Ben in the balls for what he did to me. I forgave my boyfriend for not helping or defending me.
The realisation is quite amazing now- that I had absolutely no self respect whatsoever; that I would apologise for feeling malice toward someone who strangled me. That I believed my own worth was so non-existent that I shouldn't have a right to expect a partner to help me, even when I was in danger of being seriously hurt.
One evening during the harvest festival, I went with a group of friends to a park where bbqs and celebrations were occurring for the holiday.
As often happens in a group outing, there is a variety of people, some who know each other and get along better than others as people bring friends, and they bring friends etc from different walks of life. In this case, a friend of my then boyfriend attended,with whom I had a mutually disagreeable relationship. My distaste for this individual arose from him being an unemployed alcoholic who rarely showered and was generally rude. His distaste for me arose from me being white (he was fairly misogynistic in general, but the hatred intensified for certain racial groups, namely caucasians- probably due to deep seated mummy issues... but I digress).
Whenever he and I were both in a group, it inevitably involved some tension, but I didn't assume it to be any different to many situations where you tolerate someone for the benefit of others- you ignore each other, while having fantasies in your head about them being hit by a bus. On occassion, when he was being truly disgusting towards a girlfriend/ woman I would say exactly that- that his behaviour was revolting.
This night he left the group for a while, presumably to find a toilet/ tree. When he returned, he came up behind me while I was sitting at the table with the rest of the group, and put me in a head lock. At first I thought he was messing around or trying to be funny, as did the others, and so I just told him to piss off.
He didn't release me, but after hesitating for a moment, he tightened his hold and also locked his other hand around my throat, pulling me off the bench backwards, onto the ground.
I couldn't speak, scream or do much at all. I tried to bite or kick him, and was unable to hit him effectively as he was behind me. Its terrifying to be that helpless, and it all happened so fast.
The rest of the group didn't realise what was happening for a moment either. My boyfriend even thought it was just fun and games and was laughing, not realising the seriousness of the situation. It was one of the other guys who jumped in and pulled Ben off me and punched him in the face. But what I am most troubled about was the next sequence of events.
My boyfriend went to Ben's assistance, to see if he was okay. Now I'm a feminist, and I don't advocate violence, but I would have thought that if someone, regardless of how good of a friend they were, had just strangled your partner, you would be doing something other than helping them.
He helped Ben get a taxi and sent him home.
Over the next few days I asked why he helped Ben, and phrases included:
"he's just got big issues"
"you were fine anyway, so it doesn't matter"
and I was encouraged to think that I was being unreasonable.
The worst part? I started believing it too. I felt guilty for wanting to kick Ben in the balls for what he did to me. I forgave my boyfriend for not helping or defending me.
The realisation is quite amazing now- that I had absolutely no self respect whatsoever; that I would apologise for feeling malice toward someone who strangled me. That I believed my own worth was so non-existent that I shouldn't have a right to expect a partner to help me, even when I was in danger of being seriously hurt.
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