The L word

I was watching Agony Aunts on ABC iview today (great show) and giggled wildly with familiarity at many of the topics they discussed- one of which was the first time someone uses the L word (that's "Love" for anyone who has been living under a rock so long they aren't familiar with the phrase) in a relationship. Hearing the Aunts' stories got me thinking about my own experiences, few and far between as they have been, with the use of the L word. 


The first time it ever arose was when I was 18. I had been dating a guy for about 2 months, and had spent pretty much every moment together since 3 or 4 days in. I can't actually remember how the L word came up initially, other than it was used a lot from that point, and by both of us. What was more poignant was that it was the reason we broke up a few months later- in his words, because he loved me too much, and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, BUT felt that he hadn't "lived enough" yet. I pretty much took this "living enough" as a spreading the wild oats metaphor, as I knew he'd lost his virginity to me, and according to all reports he then went on to shag around like there was no tomorrow. About 6 months later, he came crawling back and said he wanted to get back together, but by which time all of what had been special between us had dissolved for me with the knowledge that sex and love were concepts for him that he could so easily separate.


The second time I told someone I loved them was really quite awkward, in that the reaction I got was first, "Oh, thank you.... [and then, as an afterthought, with a quizzical tone] I...love you too[?]", which was immediately followed with a feeling of regret hanging in the air. Me- wishing I hadn't gone there when he obviously wasn't on the same page, and him, for saying something he perhaps didn't mean. 


Its a very vulnerable moment, exposing yourself emotionally and hoping the person won't drop punt your heart when you do. Even if they don't mean to- it hurts, not having the feeling reciprocated, and leaves you a little bit more jaded and hesitant each time.


So I told myself after that experience that I should not use such terms so liberally, when I wasn't sure how they were going to be received. So, the third time it came up I waited a considerable amount of time, and started to believe I was never going to hear it- and after I'd been with my partner for about a year, at a very intimate moment I told him I loved him, and he said it back. Only it felt forced and fake. Perhaps I said it just to see what he'd do, or because I wanted to kid myself that the relationship was going well. I really don't know looking back, but at the time it satiated some need. It was then only really used at times of conflict, like after a fight, or as an excuse- I just treated you like crap, but I love you, honey. 


The day I packed my bags and had bought my plane ticket to leave him, he used it again as perhaps a last ditch effort to save the failed relationship. (insert Judith Lucy's voice "I never thought I'd use the corny phrase, but sometimes love just isn't enough"). The relationship had been truly crap for the preceding 6-9 months (see Ye olden days- the Strangling), and I felt bitter towards that use of the L word- as though it was an attempt to manipulate me, and my trust of it eroded a bit right there in that moment.


When I entered my next serious relationship is was with gusto- feelings so overwhelming they blinded my judgement. I really didn't see it coming, falling so fast for someone while still quite raw after coming out of a 2.5 year relationship which had been so punishing. So, when we'd only been dating for about 6 weeks- one night it was hanging in the air, almost tangible, and I could see the words forming on his lips- I stopped him mid sentence: "Don't! Not yet- I'm not ready for that!.". So he didn't. Ever... in the next two and a half years we were together. In my stubborn determination not to be the first one to drop the L bomb again, lest it not be returned, neither did I. 


The next time I heard it I didn't expect it at all. It was a fast, intense relationship which, although enjoyable, I hadn't taken very seriously. So after about a month together he told me he loved me, then, just as quickly, I found out he was engaged to someone else (and had been the entire time- scum bag)!


Since then, I had one relationship in which, although it lasted about 18 months, there was a complete absence of love. Almost a complete absence of sex too. Tip for life- as much as a friendship may seem like a good basis for a relationship, if that's all there is, it isn't going to work. 


I wish there were some greater pearls of wisdom to take from all of this, but I find myself still unsure how I'll face the situation if it ever arises again. Perhaps my bitter, jaded experiences of being hurt will make me try and logic away any such irrational silliness like "love", as it can't be trusted. Or perhaps I'll be able to let myself go, fall into the feeling, and let my sheer and utter terror be carried away with it.