Ye Olden Days #3- Being Lynched

I hope the original author would approve of me reproducing this tale- though I was there and had a part in the original editing. These are true events from while I was living in Asia (this event was in early-mid September 2003) told from the original author's perspective.

Some names and places have been changed to protect identities.

Vicious Attack on Foreigners at "Olympia" Nightclub

Last night I witnessed the unthinkable.

I showed up at a new bar which had not long opened for business, Olympia, to meet my girlfriend. The bar was rather busy and seemed to be doing quite well.

At about 3am the music stopped. We were sitting at a table near the exit. About a minute after the music stopped, a waitress said we had to leave. I replied "I just bought this drink two minutes ago and we will leave as soon as I have finished it.".

My girlfriend commented on it being rather abrupt service ie- If you want people to leave, dont sell them drinks two minutes earlier.

All that aside, we decided to just drink up and go. I am a Canadian and I teach English here. I saw that there was a group of about thirty Irish men and women who went to Olympia together. They were also asked to leave the bar. I did not see any confrontation and watched them start to pack up and move towards the door.

As they were slamming back the last of their drinks and getting ready to leave they were singing the popular "Fairytale in New York" song by the Pogues. They were very happy and friendly, and my girlfriend and I enjoyed listening to them sing.

They hadn't even finished singing that song and five or six local bouncers started circling the group. I was starting to feel uneasy. Then I watched as one of the bouncers, possibly the supervisor, began instructing the other bouncers to go somewhere. They diligently went back behind the bar and came out with bats and clubs.

I could not believe my eyes. Were they doing what I thought? They completely surrounded the group of Irish and started pushing them out. They knocked over chairs and physically pushed them towards the door. I have worked in bars and I have never, ever seen anything like this.

I was in absolute shock. Olympia served thirty or more expats people many, many drinks throughout the course of the night., who were not unruly, out of control or causing trouble They probably took over a thousand dolalrs from that group alone. Then five minutes after they serve the last round of drinks, they come over with bats and clubs and physically begin throwing them out.

This would be enough to start a major brawl in many bars, but I was impressed by the behaviour of the Irish group. They actually did not start fighting. Several of the group were angry but were being held back by fellow Irish men. The Irish were taking their own people out of the bar- but that still wasn't enough. The bouncers started hitting them with the clubs.

I was sick to my stomach. I was disgusted. olympia places advertisements in English magazines and newspapers. They claim to cater to foreigners. This is not the case. They was foreigners' money, but that is all. The minute they get your money, you had better get out quickly or you will regret it.

Trust me.

This is where things started to get really, really ugly. I had not witnessed this kind of violence carried out by bar staff anywhere. As a group of six or seven bouncers, they began to follow the Irish onto the street, even pushing one girl with a broken leg, already on crutches, down the stairs. Once they got the Irish onto the street, utter mayhem broke loose.

I am still in shock. I cannot believe this happened. The bouncers started hitting the expats with clubs, bats, spraying the area with pepper spray and shooting a canister gun of some sort. About twenty of us hit the ground when we heard the first round of what we thought was gun fire.

One of the Irish guys was shot in the head. We first thought it was a real bullet and he was going to die. I don't know what they shot at him with, but blood was racing down his head, neck and body. I was frozen for a second in disbelief. There were people scattered everywhere and trying to run away.

I am proud of my girlfriend. She quickly ran to the aid of the man who had been shot, With the help of his friend, she tore off his shirt and wrapped it around his head tightly to minimise the bleeding. We were trying to get some help and to get an ambulance.

They did not care. Not one bit. It was the most disgracedful lack of concern for human life I have ever seen. They shot the patron in the head and looked at us like annoying insects as we screamed for help and an ambulance.

They were completely unfazed and demanded we leave, now from a public street. We managed to carry the man who had been shot to a Taxi and send him to hospital with a friend. I do not know what happened or what the outcome was- I hope that he is alive, as there was a lot of blood.

My girlfriend was crying and crying, with her hands and legs covered in the man's blood. She screamed at the bouncers "WHY?!"

The ppolice soon arrived on the scene. My girlfriend has so much blood on her that they thought she was seriously injured, and she was now hysterical. The police asked what happened and she replied "the bouncer from Olympia attacked the expats in the club with pepper spray, bats and guns". As she started to describe this, one of the bouncers came running over and said she was lying.

I had been quiet until this point, but I could not believe the gall of this bouncer. I shouted "look at the blood on her! Where the fuck did that come from if she's making this up?!". As she held up her bloodied hands, one of the bouncers laughed.

Apparently it was not just Olympia that does not give a damn about foreigners. I am not a fighter. I don't even like to argue. At this point I took it apon myself to get the name of this "concerned officer" of the law, as they started to dismiss the situation and refuse to file a report by a foreigner against a local. He wouldn't give me his name. If you get hurt in this city you will certainly not get help from him.

Some people one the street had noticed the events and were gathere nearby- I asked if any of them had witnessed the events. Several came forward, but still the police refused to make a report. I started taking email addresses from people. There were so many people lining up to give me their details- outraged at what happened. Not just Irish, as were mostly attacked, but other non- local asians, African people, Russians, Morroccans, Canadians and others.

Seeing this, the police officer became concerned, and started shouting at me "Get away!" and trying to stop people from giving me their details. His only concern is that I would share this tale with the rest of the world. In this respect, he was right. I am doing that.

I am a journalist. I report events like this. In the eyes of the officer, I was now the most dangerous person there. They will blame me for saying negative things about the locals and try to stop this, and so I will not give me name. They will not be concerned about physically attacking foreigners.

The following night the Olympia management met with representatives of some of the victims, apologizing for the incident and admitting they had overreacted. They also offered to pay the medical bills (thousands of dollars) of the people who needed their scalps stitched etc. The bullets were rubber, and although wounds were not fatal they did create some large gashes in flesh that night.

Needless to say, the loss of goodwill from the incident was considerable.

Ye Olden Days #1- Pronounciation is Key

I love telling a good story, whether you like hearing them or not.

I've heard that some of my stories are a bit like "this one time, at band camp", but shmeh- I care not- my reminiscences entertain me!

I'll start with one of my favourites:

Pronounciation is Key

I used to teach English in Asia. The classes consisted of various groups, one of which was an evening class of businessmen.

Given the group, I would teach themes which they would find more relevant to their use, and on one occassion this was a restaurant scenario, as when traveling on business it was a likely situation they would encounter.

I assumed the role of "waitress", and we practiced ordering items from a menu. After taking a first order of drinks, I moved on to taking their food orders.

One student in the class, "J", was in his mid twenties, as was I, and had been known to regularly get flirty, make jokes and generally play around. When it came his turn to order a meal, instead I was met with the following awkward situation-

Me: J, what would you like to order?
J: Please feel my cock

Thinking I had possibly misheard him (as you would- I mean, he couldn't have actually said that, right?)

Me: I'm sorry, I didn't understand you, what would you like to order?
J: Please....Feeeeeeel... My.. Cock!

Now undoubtedly flushing bright red with a mixture of embarrassment and panic, I began losing my cool and trying not to giggle.

Me: Errr.. What?! Sorry?
J: *gesturing* Please *lifts hand as if holding a glass* FEEEEEEEEEEEEEL *lifts other hand as if holding a bottle, to pour into the aforementioned glass* MY COCK!

At which point I could not control myself- both with relief and the sheer hilarity of the situation.

Me: OH!!!! FILL! Please FILL your COKE!
J: Yes- that's what I said- Please feel my cock!
Me: Okay... class- time for a pronounciation lesson!...

Eventually I did explain to him what he had said and, predictably, he responded with a wink and "Yes- *wink* please feel my cock!".

The other classic was when one business- aged- student, who was a Doctor, told me that he was "...a very impotent man"... and again the lesson ensued on long vowels and the imPORtance of prounounciation.

Almost nine years after the event it still makes me laugh every time I think of it.

Beating the Big C.

I was supposed to get my pathology results on Thursday, but instead they arrived on Friday. I understand that while the Drs probably saw the result, and thought that since it came back clear, there was no urgent need to tell me to book in for more surgery etc, as the "patient" and since it's my body, I would like to be informed in a timely manner that I no longer have detectable cancer cells where my adenocarcinoma used to be!

Anyhow, with that news now [eventually] received I cannot express the relief.

I've been at work full time throughout the process, minus a few days post surgery each time, partly because it's a good distraction from what's happening. At work on Friday afternoon, after receiving the good news, I was half laughing at myself because every time it struck my mind I got this uncontrollable urge to start crying. At least my desk faces a window/ corner, and not other staff.

I can imagine how that conversation would go (if seen crying by colleagues):

" Oh are you ok?!"

"Yes, actually... yes I am!"

*other staff dismiss as completely insane*

I think it's just that the "what if"s have been spinning through my head and weighing heavily for so many months now, and I've been trying to hard to hold it all together:  continue as normal, work, talk to people like a normal human being, not show what's going on -because I really didn't know, and the pressure of having to explain it to others might just tip me off the brink of "coping" down the other side (great sentence there I know, but I can't be bothered fixing it). And now all that is over, so the flood gates open.

There have been so many times where I've wanted to say something, scream at people, cry or go catatonic for a while. One situation was that a colleague was talking about her personal challenges trying to have another baby by IVF (her first two children were conceived by IVF as well). Comments like "last time they implanted two embryos and one didn't take, so to us, as Christians, that's a soul- it's the same as losing a baby, even though our one beautiful healthy daughter was born... and now other other embryos we had from that cycle have been deemed not viable, so we've lost 5 more children.".

Oh how much I would have loved to tell her to go jump- that I was possibly about to lose my uterus and any possibility of having children, and/or possibly even my own life when she already has two kids, a happy family and... and... just STFU with your self-centred whinging will you! I won't even get into the irrationality of the religious aspect of her "suffering" (today)!

It's funny how you can even feel like your cancer isn't bad enough/ good enough to warrant sympathy. The other day a friend announced she's now successfully in remission a year after having a brain tumour removed.... two days before I got my diagnosis. While I have been very fortunate to not have gone through radio or chemotherapy- just two surgeries to remove the cancer- I wouldn't say it's been easy or insignificant, yet I felt that compared to her, what I've been through is nothing and perhaps I shouldn't be celebrating my recovery as much as hers, or I'm less entitled to feel such elation perhaps.

All I know is it's probably a different experience for everyone, and I'm glad it's over for now.

Fashion Victims #4

I have been generally appalled by 99% of the fashion available in stores at the moment.

The resurrection of the 80's styles is akin to resurrecting Steve Irwin- the unnatural interactions with animal-resemblant items- it really wasn't that good the first time around.

At least if you feel compelled to wear an animal print, you can find a matching item for it- as seen in the cropped fleece jumpers and colour-coordinated tights to the left. For those who feel such an urge, I highly recommend testing the products' authenticity and camouflage efficacy- by spending some quality time with a pack of leopards. I'm sure they'll welcome you with open jaws "Hey Bill- look, there's more stupid on the menu today!"

 I think this next dress was designed to look like the post-leopard-meeting aftermath. As seen recently in the Canberra Centre- oh how I scrambled for my camera phone to capture the wonders that abounded. Unfortunately the escalator was only so long and pointing a camera at an unsuspecting stranger is an activity best performed covertly, so the image isn't great. As it was tight enough to practically be her flesh, it was a bit decieving at 4pm on a Wednesday (since hookers aren't normally in the mall then) and added to the cmutilated-corpse-like illusion the fabric offered. The 3 black stripes, or claw slashes as I like to think of them, are complimented by the reddish fleshiness and blue veins throughout with a tinge of upchuck. She does, however definitely have the figure to get away with such a tight garment, so many sins can be overlooked.... unlike the following item.

Oh the jegging... woeful was the day I learned of its existence. Not a jean, not a legging, which both passed by in their own way independetly for years, but like a lovechild of Michael Jackson and Jocelyn Wildenstein a union of two entities that never should have been allowed- that emerged barely recognisable from their former selves. In case this wasn't enough, this particular horror is amplified by the inappropriate production of such a garment in plus sizes. For a model with a not-horrendous body, (probably rather similar to my own) this is however a perfect example of how NOT to dress for your size.

Douchebags online- aka A new hobby for Luke?

I have previously confessed to trying the internet dating world. I think it's a very interesting showcase of personalities.

Take the following for example: This person had requested contact with me about 4 times, and the first three, given his profile, I had rejected. I was applying logic- we don't sound like we have a lot in common, and Rule #5- he had posted a photo of himself topless. (See Rules for internet dating. Sadly I have tried to share the hilarity of his pic with you, but can't figure out how to copy it).

The fourth time he requested contact I thought- what the hell, maybe he's taking the piss out of himself with the picture, and if he's that keen I'll see what he has to say for himself- if he's a douche, he can be deleted.

I have provided the full interaction below (in blue), unedited for fairness, but with commentary (in Pink):

 Last message: 10-February-2012 9:34:37 PM

Happyhappy272 says:

Are you the type of girl to stay in at night cuddling on the couch watching a movie or are you the type that is a little crazy and takes life to the fullest? [hmm opening with a giant bucket of cheese eh? ok, I shall respond in a similar manner]

SasB says:

both and neither depending on the day

SasB says:

are you the type of guy who is in love with himself, hence takes topless photos of himself, or is trying to take the piss? [as really, its better to clear that up right away! If genuinely taking the piss you will a) laugh, if not, b) insert douchiness ASAP]

Happyhappy272 says:

im the type of guy that likes doing things for myself and is proud of what i have worked hard at [I'm guessing you mean your huge impressive muscles and physique here *please note saracasm]

Happyhappy272 says:

I dont love myself and i can take the piss out of myself [and yet you're about to demonstrate otherwise...]

posing like that is a joke among many i know [yep gottit- you're carrying on a bit here though and being defensive]

SasB says:

ok sure

its just never quite clear if ppl are joking or not

coz there are a lot who aren't!

they genuinely think "im like so totally awesome- check me out" [a normal gym junkie sentence, verbatim in my mind]

Happyhappy272 says:

yes well you can take it however you like i tend not to judge people

I do however judge people on their actions

SasB says:

yeah for sure

its the only truth

people can try and present whatever they like, but who they are will eventually show through in how they act and treat others

Happyhappy272 says:

this is true, you however I can tell already are a disgusting judgmental piece of shit I wouldn't even waste my time on, you look like shit, your personality is shit and you are just a shitful cunt, I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire your eyes are too far apart. Nose is definitely crooked. The shape of your face is not aesthetically pleasing at all. You look like a 3/10 with make up in this photo. I don't even want to imagine what you look like without make up. I actually just threw up in my mouth, just thinking about it. Your head is too big (although that may be, because of your giraffe neck posture) . As for your hair, lol. Seriously, do something. You look like a horse. Stare at your face for more than 5 seconds, and you will see how ugly you are. The eyes which are too far apart is what ruins /damages an already ugly face even further. Unfortunately for you, that can't be surgically fixed, lol. You arms are way too long. lol at how they hang by your sides. Kind of reminds me of lurch. Don't even let me start on your pale complexion. It only works if you look hot. Unfortunately, you do not look hot. Its hard to sum up a creature like you in one word. 'UGLY ' would be unfair , since it doesn't reflect how repulsive you look. GROTESQUE is stretching it. But somewhere in between, is where you would be, on the scale of an average man. I'm sorry if my words seem a little harsh. Just so you know, I sugar coated this post as much as possible.

Happyhappy272 has removed you from their contacts.

Now I'm not the world's most attractive person, and whether any of his attempt to upset me is accurate or not is a) a matter of opinion, b) coming from a man who takes photos (yes there was more than one, and they weren't all in funny poses) of himself topless, and c) irrelevant- as I had rejected HIM 3 times previously, so hey- hot or not buddy, you wanted it BAD!

So firstly I had a good laugh, then shared it with a few friends, reconsidered and thought- no this is GOLD- blog it.

The rant is brilliant- it's an extreme version of what I was talking about in my post on "Negs"- men who are that insecure with themselves that they feel the need to put women down to feel better about themselves and/or beat them into submission. That level of vile doesn't spew forth from someone in a few sentences- I'd say he was wanting to "punish" me for rejecting how incredibly awesome he was for so long.

Sure, I could have been "nicer" etc, but I think we quite effectively got to the point in an efficient amount of time. I only wish he hadn't deleted me so I could poke some more diatribe from him!

On the bright side- If anyone is bored, and want's to hack/ fuck with someone- I think we have a Happyhappy volunteer!

Katter vs Brown- on Sexism and the Female PM

In the news today, Senator Bob Brown commented that the Australian public and media commentators are often sexist towards PM Julia Gillard.

Since Julia Gillard has taken up the Prime-Ministership, she has frequently been subject to commentary on her wardrobe (for wearing "mannish" suits, "boring" clothes, and suggestions that she should get an image consultant and/ or clothing allowance), her hair (colour, cuts), not being "warm" enough (as though John Howard or Paul Keating ever were?), and even being questioned on her ability to make decisions on women's reproductive issues, as she has no children herself. Would a man be questioned on these issues? Possibly, but nowhere near as likely to be sledged to this extent.

MP Bob Katter came out with a retort: "I don't think sexism is riding high in Australia if anything it's probably the other way around.

Firstly, I'd like to say HHHHHHHHHHHHahahahhHAHAHAhahahahHAHA The other way around !?!?! Yes, you pooooor men and how you suffer against discrimination.... *note- comment heavily laden with sarcasm*

I'm not surprised that Katter, who would struggle to find his own arse with a map came out with a statement like this. Katter once said he'd walk backwards to Bourke if there were any gay people in his electorate... not long before his own brother came out- get reverso-strolling Bob! Might I suggest you eat your hat or any other cliche indicating how wrong and ignorant you are on the way? Oh wait- you were talking shit and had no intention of following through on your flippant remarks when you were proven so horribly wrong the first time.

So would someone who's SURE there's no gay people around be so aware of the sexists (when a reasonable person might be forgiven for thinking he's a narrow minded bigot and sexist himself), when he may not see the sexists over the snow blindness from his ridiculous white suits?

Uncommon Sense

The funny thing about common sense is that it's really not so common at all.

My mother once told me that when her brother (my uncle) moved out of home, he couldn't figure out why, even after putting his clothes through the washing machine they still didn't appear to be clean or smell very good. Once they ran through the process together- it turns out he wasn't using washing detergent! It's not that he wasn't aware of it's existence- it just hadn't occurred to him to USE it.

It seems to have litte or no connection to intelligence either.

My brother, who holds several university degrees in fields such as engineering, and could thus be assumed to be an intelligent person, but I cannot count the number of times that common sense has been demonstrably absent in his decisions and acts.

One of my pet hates is drivers, who seem to lack almost any sense, let alone common sense. On Thursday, driving home from work I saw not one, but two multiple vehicle accidents- the first with 4 cars all concertinaed together, the second with 3 cars. The simple rain + not driving so close to the car in front/ slowing down did not seem to occur to at least 5 drivers (the front 2, I'll let you off this time, but with the knowledge that you could have changed lanes suddenly and cut someone off, causing the accident).

I, on most occassions, have an abundance of common sense- to the point where I have oft been called a wet blanket for applying logic to what had been supposedly "fun" suggestions. I do credit it for living as long as I have though and not getting in to a hell of a lot more trouble! My common-sense blind spot is probably men, yet the one time I tried to apply it and date someone "more suited to me" I found myself in a passion-less flop of a relationship! Sometimes, perhaps, logic does not apply.