I was once told by a guy I was seeing that I was "smoking hot". Being one who is not used to receiving compliments, I don't really know what to do with them, and it made me feel uncomfortable.
I will quite gladly enter into discussions and argue my position on a point, and I'll be the first to admit when I don't have enough information to make an informed choice, but when it comes to my physical appearance, I have always lacked self esteem. I have received far more comments in my life of the variety of the "Douchebags online" post- ie you're fat, ugly, a total dog etc than positive comments.
I think a lot of that is linked back to the insecurity theory (see post on "Negs")- that if you keep a partner feeling insecure about themselves, it makes up for some of your own insecurity- in that it keeps them in the mindset that they couldn't do any better than you, and hence they're less likely to leave you.
So the image I have of myself is anything but hot, let alone "Smokin" hot, and I found myself instantly dismissing and justifying the comment in my head:
- he's just talking on behalf of the bulge in his pants, hoping that he'll get more of a use for it
- he's got low standards
- clearly he's never seen me naked, or he'd change his mind quickly
etc
Maintaining the self-image I have grown to know so well. While I don't feel "good" about it, it's safer to stay in that image, instead of stepping outside the well known realm into uncharted territory.
The same guy who told dropped the "smoking hot" comment, a few weeks later did indeed change his mind on the topic, and told me "your lack of confidence makes you very unattractive". I can see his point- but as I've written about before (see posts "Attraction" and Things that shit me "Arrogance"), sometimes too much confidence, or that which is expressed overtly, can be very off putting.
So while I know I'm a long way off being a supermodel, I don't think that telling myself someone could never genuinely believe I'm attractive is impossible is constructive, and I've been trying to change this. After having it in your mind for 30 years, saying it out loud is a lot easier to stop than having the thoughts at all.
Friday, 13 April 2012
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
... than to never have loved at all
What is love?
Not "I love my job", "I love my brother" or "I love my cats"- I'm talking about the romantic kind- being "in love"- a union with a partner, spouse, lover.
There have been several times in my life where I thought that perhaps I was in love. But then time passed, and with the wisdom of hindsight you see how deluded or false it was, and with a few minor realisations, was all gone in an instant.
The older I get, the more I think I really have no understanding on the subject. This mysterious concept that seems so central to what it is to be human.
Moreover, what is it to be loved? Even at times where I thought I loved someone, romantic or otherwise, I felt that I was not loved in return. I have been guilty of using the phrase "if you really loved me, then you would...[or wouldn't...eg go to the strip club on that bucks night]" but I suppose everyone has a different sense of what those rules and ideals are. It can't be healthy to use ultimatums, and yet who hasn't at some point. Is it the fear of losing love, or the illusion of it we have convinced ourselves of? One person's love is another's hatred or scorn.
Richard Bach said "If you love someone then set them free, if they come back they're yours. If they don't they never were.". The popular incarnation of this quote is "... if they don't come back it was never meant to be" whic is somewhat less harsh than they were never yours. Either way it is an incredibly painful thing, to realise they never were, especially if you still wish for what could have been though it's beyond reach, probably forever.
Perhaps its just the grass is greener effect, that because you never ended the relationship under more "normal" circumstances, with some malice, or falling out of love etc, that you don't have the same closure? Or was it that you horribly misjudged the situation with your heart at the time, and the feelings were never reciprocated? I'd like to think that it was unavoidable, or that if I never had to leave it would have been different, but the truth is I'll never know, and regrets are not something to hold on to.
Not "I love my job", "I love my brother" or "I love my cats"- I'm talking about the romantic kind- being "in love"- a union with a partner, spouse, lover.
There have been several times in my life where I thought that perhaps I was in love. But then time passed, and with the wisdom of hindsight you see how deluded or false it was, and with a few minor realisations, was all gone in an instant.
The older I get, the more I think I really have no understanding on the subject. This mysterious concept that seems so central to what it is to be human.
Moreover, what is it to be loved? Even at times where I thought I loved someone, romantic or otherwise, I felt that I was not loved in return. I have been guilty of using the phrase "if you really loved me, then you would...[or wouldn't...eg go to the strip club on that bucks night]" but I suppose everyone has a different sense of what those rules and ideals are. It can't be healthy to use ultimatums, and yet who hasn't at some point. Is it the fear of losing love, or the illusion of it we have convinced ourselves of? One person's love is another's hatred or scorn.
Richard Bach said "If you love someone then set them free, if they come back they're yours. If they don't they never were.". The popular incarnation of this quote is "... if they don't come back it was never meant to be" whic is somewhat less harsh than they were never yours. Either way it is an incredibly painful thing, to realise they never were, especially if you still wish for what could have been though it's beyond reach, probably forever.
Perhaps its just the grass is greener effect, that because you never ended the relationship under more "normal" circumstances, with some malice, or falling out of love etc, that you don't have the same closure? Or was it that you horribly misjudged the situation with your heart at the time, and the feelings were never reciprocated? I'd like to think that it was unavoidable, or that if I never had to leave it would have been different, but the truth is I'll never know, and regrets are not something to hold on to.
Monday, 9 April 2012
Is Christianity Inherently Misogynistic?- Part 1
A Christian friend recently found herself once again disapointed with her own faith after sitting through a misogynistic ceremony at a wedding, and started pondering the prospect that Chrisitanity is founded on a strong woman- hating basis. These are some of her thoughts and mine on the subject:
Firstly, I can't go past the following as a good start to exploring the subject: http://www.atheistfoundation.org.au/articles/women-bible
There is much obsession in these texts of women being objects, possessions or not having a right to self-determine any activities, especially if they are related to their sexuality. An extreme example of this is:
But if this charge is true (that she wasn't a virgin on her wedding night), and evidence of the girls virginity is not found, they shall bring the girl to the entrance of her fathers house and there her townsman shall stone her to death, because she committed a crime against Israel by her unchasteness in her father's house. Thus shall you purge the evil from your midst. (Deuteronomy 22:20-21)
So not only if a woman is not a virgin, but if she cannot prove that she is a virgin, she will be deemed guilty (of what? being raped is apparently still considered committing adultery if you're female) and killed. So what does this teach us- that the only value a woman has is a disused vagina? Apparently so:
"Have you allowed all the women to live?" he [Moses] asked them.... "Now ... kill every woman who has slept with a man, but save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man." Numbers 31:1-18 (NIV)
Despite all these Biblical quotes, however, the Bible as a text was written largely 1500+ years ago, and has undergone edits, modifications and translational changes, but reflects the society at the time. Many Christians view it as that- the historical interpretation of "God"'s teachings, in the context of society at the time. Others do not.
What's interesting is to see what effect Christian teachings have on current-day attitudes. One such example online is the recent "Modesty" survey.
http://www.therebelution.com/modestysurvey/
This survey contains items such as "The way a girl walks can be a stumbling block", with 50% of respondents agreeing, and 24.9% strongly agreeing. Open ended statements included "True. I have seen girls walking in a rather titillating way, but I would have to say that this type of immodesty can only be deliberate. It is more the obvious intention that gives the effect." and "Manner of walk can appear seductive, though most girls who walk in such a fashion probably do it intentionally.".
Have these people not considered:
a) that the wider hip angle caused by the change in bone structures in puberty caused by being female will alter a woman's gait involuntarily
b) some things just are, they are not done for or directed at you
c) you're a dirty bastard who can be turned on by anything and that is YOUR problem, not that of every female on the planet.
Another survey item: "The lines of undergarments, visible under clothing, cause guys to stumble.". The deference of responsibility in the way this is phrased (and the whole survey) is on two premises: - that males are not capable of controlling themselves, nor should they be expected to; and,
- it is the way a woman moves, acts, dresses, speaks or exists that causes the "problem".
I am not trying to label all Christians as woman haters, or all segments of Biblical teachings as wrong, but the discussion is worth opening up and exploring further as it's far from being baseless.
As a parting thought, I leave you with some Richard Dawkins on the topic of gender bias: http://boingboing.net/2011/06/18/richard-dawkins-sex.html
Firstly, I can't go past the following as a good start to exploring the subject: http://www.atheistfoundation.org.au/articles/women-bible
There is much obsession in these texts of women being objects, possessions or not having a right to self-determine any activities, especially if they are related to their sexuality. An extreme example of this is:
But if this charge is true (that she wasn't a virgin on her wedding night), and evidence of the girls virginity is not found, they shall bring the girl to the entrance of her fathers house and there her townsman shall stone her to death, because she committed a crime against Israel by her unchasteness in her father's house. Thus shall you purge the evil from your midst. (Deuteronomy 22:20-21)
So not only if a woman is not a virgin, but if she cannot prove that she is a virgin, she will be deemed guilty (of what? being raped is apparently still considered committing adultery if you're female) and killed. So what does this teach us- that the only value a woman has is a disused vagina? Apparently so:
"Have you allowed all the women to live?" he [Moses] asked them.... "Now ... kill every woman who has slept with a man, but save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man." Numbers 31:1-18 (NIV)
Despite all these Biblical quotes, however, the Bible as a text was written largely 1500+ years ago, and has undergone edits, modifications and translational changes, but reflects the society at the time. Many Christians view it as that- the historical interpretation of "God"'s teachings, in the context of society at the time. Others do not.
What's interesting is to see what effect Christian teachings have on current-day attitudes. One such example online is the recent "Modesty" survey.
http://www.therebelution.com/modestysurvey/
This survey contains items such as "The way a girl walks can be a stumbling block", with 50% of respondents agreeing, and 24.9% strongly agreeing. Open ended statements included "True. I have seen girls walking in a rather titillating way, but I would have to say that this type of immodesty can only be deliberate. It is more the obvious intention that gives the effect." and "Manner of walk can appear seductive, though most girls who walk in such a fashion probably do it intentionally.".
Have these people not considered:
a) that the wider hip angle caused by the change in bone structures in puberty caused by being female will alter a woman's gait involuntarily
b) some things just are, they are not done for or directed at you
c) you're a dirty bastard who can be turned on by anything and that is YOUR problem, not that of every female on the planet.
Another survey item: "The lines of undergarments, visible under clothing, cause guys to stumble.". The deference of responsibility in the way this is phrased (and the whole survey) is on two premises: - that males are not capable of controlling themselves, nor should they be expected to; and,
- it is the way a woman moves, acts, dresses, speaks or exists that causes the "problem".
I am not trying to label all Christians as woman haters, or all segments of Biblical teachings as wrong, but the discussion is worth opening up and exploring further as it's far from being baseless.
As a parting thought, I leave you with some Richard Dawkins on the topic of gender bias: http://boingboing.net/2011/06/18/richard-dawkins-sex.html
Sunday, 1 April 2012
Ye Olden Days #2- The Strangling
This is not exactly a lighthearted story like Ye Olden Days #1, but a series of events which has had a profound impression on me nonetheless.
One evening during the harvest festival, I went with a group of friends to a park where bbqs and celebrations were occurring for the holiday.
As often happens in a group outing, there is a variety of people, some who know each other and get along better than others as people bring friends, and they bring friends etc from different walks of life. In this case, a friend of my then boyfriend attended,with whom I had a mutually disagreeable relationship. My distaste for this individual arose from him being an unemployed alcoholic who rarely showered and was generally rude. His distaste for me arose from me being white (he was fairly misogynistic in general, but the hatred intensified for certain racial groups, namely caucasians- probably due to deep seated mummy issues... but I digress).
Whenever he and I were both in a group, it inevitably involved some tension, but I didn't assume it to be any different to many situations where you tolerate someone for the benefit of others- you ignore each other, while having fantasies in your head about them being hit by a bus. On occassion, when he was being truly disgusting towards a girlfriend/ woman I would say exactly that- that his behaviour was revolting.
This night he left the group for a while, presumably to find a toilet/ tree. When he returned, he came up behind me while I was sitting at the table with the rest of the group, and put me in a head lock. At first I thought he was messing around or trying to be funny, as did the others, and so I just told him to piss off.
He didn't release me, but after hesitating for a moment, he tightened his hold and also locked his other hand around my throat, pulling me off the bench backwards, onto the ground.
I couldn't speak, scream or do much at all. I tried to bite or kick him, and was unable to hit him effectively as he was behind me. Its terrifying to be that helpless, and it all happened so fast.
The rest of the group didn't realise what was happening for a moment either. My boyfriend even thought it was just fun and games and was laughing, not realising the seriousness of the situation. It was one of the other guys who jumped in and pulled Ben off me and punched him in the face. But what I am most troubled about was the next sequence of events.
My boyfriend went to Ben's assistance, to see if he was okay. Now I'm a feminist, and I don't advocate violence, but I would have thought that if someone, regardless of how good of a friend they were, had just strangled your partner, you would be doing something other than helping them.
He helped Ben get a taxi and sent him home.
Over the next few days I asked why he helped Ben, and phrases included:
"he's just got big issues"
"you were fine anyway, so it doesn't matter"
and I was encouraged to think that I was being unreasonable.
The worst part? I started believing it too. I felt guilty for wanting to kick Ben in the balls for what he did to me. I forgave my boyfriend for not helping or defending me.
The realisation is quite amazing now- that I had absolutely no self respect whatsoever; that I would apologise for feeling malice toward someone who strangled me. That I believed my own worth was so non-existent that I shouldn't have a right to expect a partner to help me, even when I was in danger of being seriously hurt.
One evening during the harvest festival, I went with a group of friends to a park where bbqs and celebrations were occurring for the holiday.
As often happens in a group outing, there is a variety of people, some who know each other and get along better than others as people bring friends, and they bring friends etc from different walks of life. In this case, a friend of my then boyfriend attended,with whom I had a mutually disagreeable relationship. My distaste for this individual arose from him being an unemployed alcoholic who rarely showered and was generally rude. His distaste for me arose from me being white (he was fairly misogynistic in general, but the hatred intensified for certain racial groups, namely caucasians- probably due to deep seated mummy issues... but I digress).
Whenever he and I were both in a group, it inevitably involved some tension, but I didn't assume it to be any different to many situations where you tolerate someone for the benefit of others- you ignore each other, while having fantasies in your head about them being hit by a bus. On occassion, when he was being truly disgusting towards a girlfriend/ woman I would say exactly that- that his behaviour was revolting.
This night he left the group for a while, presumably to find a toilet/ tree. When he returned, he came up behind me while I was sitting at the table with the rest of the group, and put me in a head lock. At first I thought he was messing around or trying to be funny, as did the others, and so I just told him to piss off.
He didn't release me, but after hesitating for a moment, he tightened his hold and also locked his other hand around my throat, pulling me off the bench backwards, onto the ground.
I couldn't speak, scream or do much at all. I tried to bite or kick him, and was unable to hit him effectively as he was behind me. Its terrifying to be that helpless, and it all happened so fast.
The rest of the group didn't realise what was happening for a moment either. My boyfriend even thought it was just fun and games and was laughing, not realising the seriousness of the situation. It was one of the other guys who jumped in and pulled Ben off me and punched him in the face. But what I am most troubled about was the next sequence of events.
My boyfriend went to Ben's assistance, to see if he was okay. Now I'm a feminist, and I don't advocate violence, but I would have thought that if someone, regardless of how good of a friend they were, had just strangled your partner, you would be doing something other than helping them.
He helped Ben get a taxi and sent him home.
Over the next few days I asked why he helped Ben, and phrases included:
"he's just got big issues"
"you were fine anyway, so it doesn't matter"
and I was encouraged to think that I was being unreasonable.
The worst part? I started believing it too. I felt guilty for wanting to kick Ben in the balls for what he did to me. I forgave my boyfriend for not helping or defending me.
The realisation is quite amazing now- that I had absolutely no self respect whatsoever; that I would apologise for feeling malice toward someone who strangled me. That I believed my own worth was so non-existent that I shouldn't have a right to expect a partner to help me, even when I was in danger of being seriously hurt.
Wednesday, 28 March 2012
Ye Olden Days #3- Being Lynched
I hope the original author would approve of me reproducing this tale- though I was there and had a part in the original editing. These are true events from while I was living in Asia (this event was in early-mid September 2003) told from the original author's perspective.
Some names and places have been changed to protect identities.
Vicious Attack on Foreigners at "Olympia" Nightclub
Last night I witnessed the unthinkable.
I showed up at a new bar which had not long opened for business, Olympia, to meet my girlfriend. The bar was rather busy and seemed to be doing quite well.
At about 3am the music stopped. We were sitting at a table near the exit. About a minute after the music stopped, a waitress said we had to leave. I replied "I just bought this drink two minutes ago and we will leave as soon as I have finished it.".
My girlfriend commented on it being rather abrupt service ie- If you want people to leave, dont sell them drinks two minutes earlier.
All that aside, we decided to just drink up and go. I am a Canadian and I teach English here. I saw that there was a group of about thirty Irish men and women who went to Olympia together. They were also asked to leave the bar. I did not see any confrontation and watched them start to pack up and move towards the door.
As they were slamming back the last of their drinks and getting ready to leave they were singing the popular "Fairytale in New York" song by the Pogues. They were very happy and friendly, and my girlfriend and I enjoyed listening to them sing.
They hadn't even finished singing that song and five or six local bouncers started circling the group. I was starting to feel uneasy. Then I watched as one of the bouncers, possibly the supervisor, began instructing the other bouncers to go somewhere. They diligently went back behind the bar and came out with bats and clubs.
I could not believe my eyes. Were they doing what I thought? They completely surrounded the group of Irish and started pushing them out. They knocked over chairs and physically pushed them towards the door. I have worked in bars and I have never, ever seen anything like this.
I was in absolute shock. Olympia served thirty or more expats people many, many drinks throughout the course of the night., who were not unruly, out of control or causing trouble They probably took over a thousand dolalrs from that group alone. Then five minutes after they serve the last round of drinks, they come over with bats and clubs and physically begin throwing them out.
This would be enough to start a major brawl in many bars, but I was impressed by the behaviour of the Irish group. They actually did not start fighting. Several of the group were angry but were being held back by fellow Irish men. The Irish were taking their own people out of the bar- but that still wasn't enough. The bouncers started hitting them with the clubs.
I was sick to my stomach. I was disgusted. olympia places advertisements in English magazines and newspapers. They claim to cater to foreigners. This is not the case. They was foreigners' money, but that is all. The minute they get your money, you had better get out quickly or you will regret it.
Trust me.
This is where things started to get really, really ugly. I had not witnessed this kind of violence carried out by bar staff anywhere. As a group of six or seven bouncers, they began to follow the Irish onto the street, even pushing one girl with a broken leg, already on crutches, down the stairs. Once they got the Irish onto the street, utter mayhem broke loose.
I am still in shock. I cannot believe this happened. The bouncers started hitting the expats with clubs, bats, spraying the area with pepper spray and shooting a canister gun of some sort. About twenty of us hit the ground when we heard the first round of what we thought was gun fire.
One of the Irish guys was shot in the head. We first thought it was a real bullet and he was going to die. I don't know what they shot at him with, but blood was racing down his head, neck and body. I was frozen for a second in disbelief. There were people scattered everywhere and trying to run away.
I am proud of my girlfriend. She quickly ran to the aid of the man who had been shot, With the help of his friend, she tore off his shirt and wrapped it around his head tightly to minimise the bleeding. We were trying to get some help and to get an ambulance.
They did not care. Not one bit. It was the most disgracedful lack of concern for human life I have ever seen. They shot the patron in the head and looked at us like annoying insects as we screamed for help and an ambulance.
They were completely unfazed and demanded we leave, now from a public street. We managed to carry the man who had been shot to a Taxi and send him to hospital with a friend. I do not know what happened or what the outcome was- I hope that he is alive, as there was a lot of blood.
My girlfriend was crying and crying, with her hands and legs covered in the man's blood. She screamed at the bouncers "WHY?!"
The ppolice soon arrived on the scene. My girlfriend has so much blood on her that they thought she was seriously injured, and she was now hysterical. The police asked what happened and she replied "the bouncer from Olympia attacked the expats in the club with pepper spray, bats and guns". As she started to describe this, one of the bouncers came running over and said she was lying.
I had been quiet until this point, but I could not believe the gall of this bouncer. I shouted "look at the blood on her! Where the fuck did that come from if she's making this up?!". As she held up her bloodied hands, one of the bouncers laughed.
Apparently it was not just Olympia that does not give a damn about foreigners. I am not a fighter. I don't even like to argue. At this point I took it apon myself to get the name of this "concerned officer" of the law, as they started to dismiss the situation and refuse to file a report by a foreigner against a local. He wouldn't give me his name. If you get hurt in this city you will certainly not get help from him.
Some people one the street had noticed the events and were gathere nearby- I asked if any of them had witnessed the events. Several came forward, but still the police refused to make a report. I started taking email addresses from people. There were so many people lining up to give me their details- outraged at what happened. Not just Irish, as were mostly attacked, but other non- local asians, African people, Russians, Morroccans, Canadians and others.
Seeing this, the police officer became concerned, and started shouting at me "Get away!" and trying to stop people from giving me their details. His only concern is that I would share this tale with the rest of the world. In this respect, he was right. I am doing that.
I am a journalist. I report events like this. In the eyes of the officer, I was now the most dangerous person there. They will blame me for saying negative things about the locals and try to stop this, and so I will not give me name. They will not be concerned about physically attacking foreigners.
The following night the Olympia management met with representatives of some of the victims, apologizing for the incident and admitting they had overreacted. They also offered to pay the medical bills (thousands of dollars) of the people who needed their scalps stitched etc. The bullets were rubber, and although wounds were not fatal they did create some large gashes in flesh that night.
Needless to say, the loss of goodwill from the incident was considerable.
Some names and places have been changed to protect identities.
Vicious Attack on Foreigners at "Olympia" Nightclub
Last night I witnessed the unthinkable.
I showed up at a new bar which had not long opened for business, Olympia, to meet my girlfriend. The bar was rather busy and seemed to be doing quite well.
At about 3am the music stopped. We were sitting at a table near the exit. About a minute after the music stopped, a waitress said we had to leave. I replied "I just bought this drink two minutes ago and we will leave as soon as I have finished it.".
My girlfriend commented on it being rather abrupt service ie- If you want people to leave, dont sell them drinks two minutes earlier.
All that aside, we decided to just drink up and go. I am a Canadian and I teach English here. I saw that there was a group of about thirty Irish men and women who went to Olympia together. They were also asked to leave the bar. I did not see any confrontation and watched them start to pack up and move towards the door.
As they were slamming back the last of their drinks and getting ready to leave they were singing the popular "Fairytale in New York" song by the Pogues. They were very happy and friendly, and my girlfriend and I enjoyed listening to them sing.
They hadn't even finished singing that song and five or six local bouncers started circling the group. I was starting to feel uneasy. Then I watched as one of the bouncers, possibly the supervisor, began instructing the other bouncers to go somewhere. They diligently went back behind the bar and came out with bats and clubs.
I could not believe my eyes. Were they doing what I thought? They completely surrounded the group of Irish and started pushing them out. They knocked over chairs and physically pushed them towards the door. I have worked in bars and I have never, ever seen anything like this.
I was in absolute shock. Olympia served thirty or more expats people many, many drinks throughout the course of the night., who were not unruly, out of control or causing trouble They probably took over a thousand dolalrs from that group alone. Then five minutes after they serve the last round of drinks, they come over with bats and clubs and physically begin throwing them out.
This would be enough to start a major brawl in many bars, but I was impressed by the behaviour of the Irish group. They actually did not start fighting. Several of the group were angry but were being held back by fellow Irish men. The Irish were taking their own people out of the bar- but that still wasn't enough. The bouncers started hitting them with the clubs.
I was sick to my stomach. I was disgusted. olympia places advertisements in English magazines and newspapers. They claim to cater to foreigners. This is not the case. They was foreigners' money, but that is all. The minute they get your money, you had better get out quickly or you will regret it.
Trust me.
This is where things started to get really, really ugly. I had not witnessed this kind of violence carried out by bar staff anywhere. As a group of six or seven bouncers, they began to follow the Irish onto the street, even pushing one girl with a broken leg, already on crutches, down the stairs. Once they got the Irish onto the street, utter mayhem broke loose.
I am still in shock. I cannot believe this happened. The bouncers started hitting the expats with clubs, bats, spraying the area with pepper spray and shooting a canister gun of some sort. About twenty of us hit the ground when we heard the first round of what we thought was gun fire.
One of the Irish guys was shot in the head. We first thought it was a real bullet and he was going to die. I don't know what they shot at him with, but blood was racing down his head, neck and body. I was frozen for a second in disbelief. There were people scattered everywhere and trying to run away.
I am proud of my girlfriend. She quickly ran to the aid of the man who had been shot, With the help of his friend, she tore off his shirt and wrapped it around his head tightly to minimise the bleeding. We were trying to get some help and to get an ambulance.
They did not care. Not one bit. It was the most disgracedful lack of concern for human life I have ever seen. They shot the patron in the head and looked at us like annoying insects as we screamed for help and an ambulance.
They were completely unfazed and demanded we leave, now from a public street. We managed to carry the man who had been shot to a Taxi and send him to hospital with a friend. I do not know what happened or what the outcome was- I hope that he is alive, as there was a lot of blood.
My girlfriend was crying and crying, with her hands and legs covered in the man's blood. She screamed at the bouncers "WHY?!"
The ppolice soon arrived on the scene. My girlfriend has so much blood on her that they thought she was seriously injured, and she was now hysterical. The police asked what happened and she replied "the bouncer from Olympia attacked the expats in the club with pepper spray, bats and guns". As she started to describe this, one of the bouncers came running over and said she was lying.
I had been quiet until this point, but I could not believe the gall of this bouncer. I shouted "look at the blood on her! Where the fuck did that come from if she's making this up?!". As she held up her bloodied hands, one of the bouncers laughed.
Apparently it was not just Olympia that does not give a damn about foreigners. I am not a fighter. I don't even like to argue. At this point I took it apon myself to get the name of this "concerned officer" of the law, as they started to dismiss the situation and refuse to file a report by a foreigner against a local. He wouldn't give me his name. If you get hurt in this city you will certainly not get help from him.
Some people one the street had noticed the events and were gathere nearby- I asked if any of them had witnessed the events. Several came forward, but still the police refused to make a report. I started taking email addresses from people. There were so many people lining up to give me their details- outraged at what happened. Not just Irish, as were mostly attacked, but other non- local asians, African people, Russians, Morroccans, Canadians and others.
Seeing this, the police officer became concerned, and started shouting at me "Get away!" and trying to stop people from giving me their details. His only concern is that I would share this tale with the rest of the world. In this respect, he was right. I am doing that.
I am a journalist. I report events like this. In the eyes of the officer, I was now the most dangerous person there. They will blame me for saying negative things about the locals and try to stop this, and so I will not give me name. They will not be concerned about physically attacking foreigners.
The following night the Olympia management met with representatives of some of the victims, apologizing for the incident and admitting they had overreacted. They also offered to pay the medical bills (thousands of dollars) of the people who needed their scalps stitched etc. The bullets were rubber, and although wounds were not fatal they did create some large gashes in flesh that night.
Needless to say, the loss of goodwill from the incident was considerable.
Wednesday, 14 March 2012
Ye Olden Days #1- Pronounciation is Key
I love telling a good story, whether you like hearing them or not.
I've heard that some of my stories are a bit like "this one time, at band camp", but shmeh- I care not- my reminiscences entertain me!
I'll start with one of my favourites:
Pronounciation is Key
I used to teach English in Asia. The classes consisted of various groups, one of which was an evening class of businessmen.
Given the group, I would teach themes which they would find more relevant to their use, and on one occassion this was a restaurant scenario, as when traveling on business it was a likely situation they would encounter.
I assumed the role of "waitress", and we practiced ordering items from a menu. After taking a first order of drinks, I moved on to taking their food orders.
One student in the class, "J", was in his mid twenties, as was I, and had been known to regularly get flirty, make jokes and generally play around. When it came his turn to order a meal, instead I was met with the following awkward situation-
Me: J, what would you like to order?
J: Please feel my cock
Thinking I had possibly misheard him (as you would- I mean, he couldn't have actually said that, right?)
Me: I'm sorry, I didn't understand you, what would you like to order?
J: Please....Feeeeeeel... My.. Cock!
Now undoubtedly flushing bright red with a mixture of embarrassment and panic, I began losing my cool and trying not to giggle.
Me: Errr.. What?! Sorry?
J: *gesturing* Please *lifts hand as if holding a glass* FEEEEEEEEEEEEEL *lifts other hand as if holding a bottle, to pour into the aforementioned glass* MY COCK!
At which point I could not control myself- both with relief and the sheer hilarity of the situation.
Me: OH!!!! FILL! Please FILL your COKE!
J: Yes- that's what I said- Please feel my cock!
Me: Okay... class- time for a pronounciation lesson!...
Eventually I did explain to him what he had said and, predictably, he responded with a wink and "Yes- *wink* please feel my cock!".
The other classic was when one business- aged- student, who was a Doctor, told me that he was "...a very impotent man"... and again the lesson ensued on long vowels and the imPORtance of prounounciation.
Almost nine years after the event it still makes me laugh every time I think of it.
I've heard that some of my stories are a bit like "this one time, at band camp", but shmeh- I care not- my reminiscences entertain me!
I'll start with one of my favourites:
Pronounciation is Key
I used to teach English in Asia. The classes consisted of various groups, one of which was an evening class of businessmen.
Given the group, I would teach themes which they would find more relevant to their use, and on one occassion this was a restaurant scenario, as when traveling on business it was a likely situation they would encounter.
I assumed the role of "waitress", and we practiced ordering items from a menu. After taking a first order of drinks, I moved on to taking their food orders.
One student in the class, "J", was in his mid twenties, as was I, and had been known to regularly get flirty, make jokes and generally play around. When it came his turn to order a meal, instead I was met with the following awkward situation-
Me: J, what would you like to order?
J: Please feel my cock
Thinking I had possibly misheard him (as you would- I mean, he couldn't have actually said that, right?)
Me: I'm sorry, I didn't understand you, what would you like to order?
J: Please....Feeeeeeel... My.. Cock!
Now undoubtedly flushing bright red with a mixture of embarrassment and panic, I began losing my cool and trying not to giggle.
Me: Errr.. What?! Sorry?
J: *gesturing* Please *lifts hand as if holding a glass* FEEEEEEEEEEEEEL *lifts other hand as if holding a bottle, to pour into the aforementioned glass* MY COCK!
At which point I could not control myself- both with relief and the sheer hilarity of the situation.
Me: OH!!!! FILL! Please FILL your COKE!
J: Yes- that's what I said- Please feel my cock!
Me: Okay... class- time for a pronounciation lesson!...
Eventually I did explain to him what he had said and, predictably, he responded with a wink and "Yes- *wink* please feel my cock!".
The other classic was when one business- aged- student, who was a Doctor, told me that he was "...a very impotent man"... and again the lesson ensued on long vowels and the imPORtance of prounounciation.
Almost nine years after the event it still makes me laugh every time I think of it.
Monday, 5 March 2012
Beating the Big C.
I was supposed to get my pathology results on Thursday, but instead they arrived on Friday. I understand that while the Drs probably saw the result, and thought that since it came back clear, there was no urgent need to tell me to book in for more surgery etc, as the "patient" and since it's my body, I would like to be informed in a timely manner that I no longer have detectable cancer cells where my adenocarcinoma used to be!
Anyhow, with that news now [eventually] received I cannot express the relief.
I've been at work full time throughout the process, minus a few days post surgery each time, partly because it's a good distraction from what's happening. At work on Friday afternoon, after receiving the good news, I was half laughing at myself because every time it struck my mind I got this uncontrollable urge to start crying. At least my desk faces a window/ corner, and not other staff.
I can imagine how that conversation would go (if seen crying by colleagues):
" Oh are you ok?!"
"Yes, actually... yes I am!"
*other staff dismiss as completely insane*
I think it's just that the "what if"s have been spinning through my head and weighing heavily for so many months now, and I've been trying to hard to hold it all together: continue as normal, work, talk to people like a normal human being, not show what's going on -because I really didn't know, and the pressure of having to explain it to others might just tip me off the brink of "coping" down the other side (great sentence there I know, but I can't be bothered fixing it). And now all that is over, so the flood gates open.
There have been so many times where I've wanted to say something, scream at people, cry or go catatonic for a while. One situation was that a colleague was talking about her personal challenges trying to have another baby by IVF (her first two children were conceived by IVF as well). Comments like "last time they implanted two embryos and one didn't take, so to us, as Christians, that's a soul- it's the same as losing a baby, even though our one beautiful healthy daughter was born... and now other other embryos we had from that cycle have been deemed not viable, so we've lost 5 more children.".
Oh how much I would have loved to tell her to go jump- that I was possibly about to lose my uterus and any possibility of having children, and/or possibly even my own life when she already has two kids, a happy family and... and... just STFU with your self-centred whinging will you! I won't even get into the irrationality of the religious aspect of her "suffering" (today)!
It's funny how you can even feel like your cancer isn't bad enough/ good enough to warrant sympathy. The other day a friend announced she's now successfully in remission a year after having a brain tumour removed.... two days before I got my diagnosis. While I have been very fortunate to not have gone through radio or chemotherapy- just two surgeries to remove the cancer- I wouldn't say it's been easy or insignificant, yet I felt that compared to her, what I've been through is nothing and perhaps I shouldn't be celebrating my recovery as much as hers, or I'm less entitled to feel such elation perhaps.
All I know is it's probably a different experience for everyone, and I'm glad it's over for now.
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