I fart in your general direction: attraction

Backwards to a Foreword

I started these writings with the intent of making mostly comedic style social observations. But opinions are like arseholes- everyone's got one- and as if often the way- the original intent is not what has eventuated, as the darker side of my mind has been very much in control lately.

All my writings are essentially a point of view or recollections of lived experiences. As with witness statements, which are not admissible as evidence in court due to the high rate of inaccuracy- sometimes what I feel, think or remember won't be the same as other people who may have been present for the same events.

They are my thoughts, feelings and memories, and may not necessarily represent those of people represented in them.

Friday, 13 April 2012

Confidence is hot

I was once told by a guy I was seeing that I was "smoking hot". Being one who is not used to receiving compliments, I don't really know what to do with them, and it made me feel uncomfortable.

I will quite gladly enter into discussions and argue my position on a point, and I'll be the first to admit when I don't have enough information to make an informed choice, but when it comes to my physical appearance, I have always lacked self esteem. I have received far more comments in my life of the variety of the "Douchebags online" post- ie you're fat, ugly, a total dog etc than positive comments.

I think a lot of that is linked back to the insecurity theory (see post on "Negs")- that if you keep a partner feeling insecure about themselves, it makes up for some of your own insecurity- in that it keeps them in the mindset that they couldn't do any better than you, and hence they're less likely to leave you.

So the image I have of myself is anything but hot, let alone "Smokin" hot, and I found myself instantly dismissing and justifying the comment in my head:
- he's just talking on behalf of the bulge in his pants, hoping that he'll get more of a use for it
- he's got low standards
- clearly he's never seen me naked, or he'd change his mind quickly
etc

Maintaining the self-image I have grown to know so well. While I don't feel "good" about it, it's safer to stay in that image, instead of stepping outside the well known realm into uncharted territory.

The same guy who told dropped the "smoking hot" comment, a few weeks later did indeed change his mind on the topic, and told me "your lack of confidence makes you very unattractive". I can see his point- but as I've written about before (see posts "Attraction" and Things that shit me "Arrogance"), sometimes too much confidence, or that which is expressed overtly, can be very off putting.

So while I know I'm a long way off being a supermodel, I don't think that telling myself someone could never genuinely believe I'm attractive is impossible is constructive, and I've been trying to change this. After having it in your mind for 30 years, saying it out loud is a lot easier to stop than having the thoughts at all.

Saturday, 10 December 2011

Attractiveness

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder; it's whats on the inside that counts.. blah blah.. how many times have we heard this? And how many times have you seen a Danny De Vito type dating a Cameron Diaz?
I propose a new theory- if everyone has a score out of 10, then their partners will be within + or - 1 rating out of 10 in attractiveness, or +/- 2 in special circumstances.

So what is it that make people attractive. Well you could go into the facial symmetry theories etc, but if you were to ask 100 people to rate a photo out of ten, you get an average score, for example 7. That's a rating based purely on their physicality- the important bit is that when they open their mouth, so many things can change.

If they say something stupid, and reveal substantial character flaws, -1 point or more. Put a cigarette in their mouth and from my perspective that takes off at least -2 or -3 points. If they're arrogant or have a "holier than thou attitude" take off a point or two.

This is probably best demonstrated with friends- ever known someone who you may have even made fun of when you first met them for being funny looking/ fat or some other less than perfect physical characteristic, but then after knowing them for a few years- you can't even notice it any more? The fact that they are so nice as a person adds to their overall "attractiveness" despite their exterior physical appearance- and the person who, once a stranger you may have thought- ew dont touch me! Now you feel inclined to give them a big hug.

As I've gotten older I've found my taste changing too. I used to very much find myself attracted to the tall, dark n handsome, muscle bound guys. Now when I see one of them I might appreciate their physicality for a moment, but I have absolutely no desire to have any interaction with them- physical or otherwise, knowing that if they spend that much time in the gym they're probably far more in love with their reflection than they will ever be with another person.