I fart in your general direction: milestone

Backwards to a Foreword

I started these writings with the intent of making mostly comedic style social observations. But opinions are like arseholes- everyone's got one- and as if often the way- the original intent is not what has eventuated, as the darker side of my mind has been very much in control lately.

All my writings are essentially a point of view or recollections of lived experiences. As with witness statements, which are not admissible as evidence in court due to the high rate of inaccuracy- sometimes what I feel, think or remember won't be the same as other people who may have been present for the same events.

They are my thoughts, feelings and memories, and may not necessarily represent those of people represented in them.

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Dirty thirty

Next week is the big 30 for me. Thirty years old. Dirty thirty.

The thing with 30 is that it's a big milestone birthday. One which people mark the progress of your life by. When you're a kid, its always "where do you imagine yourself being when you're 30?" or what would you like to acheive by then?

In high school, a girl told me once that she had voted for me as "most ambitious" in the grade. Which at the time I took as a compliment from her, as she was a skanky ho who had always bullied me, and I thought she had no respect for me at all. While that is just a moderately amusing thing that stuck with me, the irony is I was never very specifically ambitious. I had no idea what career I wanted, thought I probably would never get married or have kids, and was without any direction.

Despite not knowing where to point myself, the ambition was there, but with no real purpose. So I've floundered about, had at least 4 different career changes, never been much good at any of them. Never been anywhere even close to marriage or children as that would require the ability to have a successful relationship, or at least not be so anally retentive and "careful" that I've never even had a pregnancy scare.

So when I look at what measures would normally be applied as being a success by 30:
- married? No
- relationship? No
- kids? No
- job? hanging on by a frustrating thread
- house? yes, but heavily in mortgage stress and have a tenant as I cant afford to live alone
- happy? No

So the score would be about 0.7/ 6 - an abject failure.

I still have no direction, and barely more of an idea of who I am or what I want to be. The future looks furry- as the crazy cat lady label adheres itself to the fabric of my life (and no lint remover is getting off that much hair).