The Henry VIII guide: How to get rid of 5 Wives

I received a message last week from my sister, who was quite hysterical as she'd heard that our father was leaving his wife, who is in a nursing home, and had proposed to another woman he'd been having an affair with, using his wife's ring. 

She had found this out after calling our stepmother ( our father's wife), who said he'd been having an affair for a while, and that she needed a lawyer and wanted her ring back.

This is all quite unthinkable for most people, and sound more like a plot from Days of our Lives or some other horrendous soap opera, than real life. Then you take into consideration that our father's current wife is his 5th, and that the ring in question, which he had allegedly proposed to someone else with, was already recycled- having been given to my mother as an anniversary gift (which she subsequently suggested he insert rectally, so to speak, in their divorce). 

In an update to the story, it turns out the current wife had a stroke last week, and is having a lot of delusions, as a result of that and her existent dementia, of which this story is just one. 

But where's the fun in reality? What's more pertinent is that we all found this to be a credible reality, and believed it to be actually happening, as opposed to just being a figment of a decaying, dementia patient's mind. 

About to turn 31, I am beginning to see a smattering of divorces among my friends. At the time they married they were very much in love, and im sure they hoped for and envisioned a lasting future together. These days we think very little of someone having been divorced, and in some ways it's almost endearing: isn't it nice for someone to have been so passionately devoted, even if naively, to want to ignore any flaws in another person and devote themselves to each other.  As humans we make these mistakes, but at some point it's normal to expect that people learn from them and grow or change. 

I was talking to some women at a party recently, who were in their early 50s. There was also a rather suave guy there, pushing 60, but looking great in a suit, a big smile for everyone, and who seemed intelligent and friendly, not arrogant to talk to. The women were single, as he evidently also was, but none of them seemed intersted in  him, despite him having what seemed to me to be some attractive qualities. I asked them why they weren't interested in him, and their response was  simply "He's been divorced TWICE!". 

Interested, I pursued the matter further, and the comments were along the lines of, "doesn't he learn!?" and "there must be something wrong with him!". I didn't tell them about my father, as I've had that awkward shuffling and avoidance of conversation too many times before.

As one of my brothers once pointed out, a 6th wife would make our father like King Henry VIII, although he hadn't rid himself of any by means of beheading. (Not that I'd be sure it had never crossed his mind. )

In one sense, it's actually quite impressive that he has convinced that many people to marry him. As my mother said- he was very romantic when dating, very convincing that he'd been misunderstood by his previous [3 at that stage] wives, and just wanted someone to love.  As it turned out he just wanted someone to love HIM (the concept of loving someone else is irrelevant to a pathological narcissist- everyone loves them in their mind) without question, even if he kicks your children or punches you in the face.

Growing up with this reality gives you a very warped view of relationships, marriage and love. Where everyone who "loves" you, will manipulate, humiliate and abuse you. 

It's interesting when you're also painted as guilty by association- I can't tell you how many boyfriends' parents I've met who clearly disapprove of the family I come from, and push for them to dissociate from me. A child has no choice what family yet are born into, or grow up in.

So what has all of this taught me? I can't tell anyone what is the right thing to do, but I can talk for days about what NOT to do. 

 I approach relationships very cautiously- too cautiously- and have lost several partners through not giving up enough of myself fast enough, but having witnessed such intense manipulation and deception, and the abuse that ensued, trust is not something I develop easily. I would feel safer walking naked through the middle of Kabul holding a placard stating "fuck Allah" than I would to tell a partner I loved them. Even writing is in conceptual form gives me a feeling of tightening in the chest- the beginning of a panic attack. 

I have created a self- fulfilling prophecies: if I reveal too much of my past, be myself, or don't do what they would want, they will reject me. So I hold back to extremes, and they wind up leaving anyway, probably through frustration as much as impatience. Thus reinforcing the belief that no one will ever understand my situation or want to be with me.  Do I recognise my own role in these situations, and kick myself every time it happens? More than you could possbily imagine. 

Gay, Atheist and other marriage

There has been a lot of buzz about gay marriage lately- both in Australia and overseas. While the issue is not new, it seems to bring all the zealots out of hiding to tout their "wisdom" loudly at the rest of us.

One of the most extreme condemnations of marriage equality was recently inflicted on the world by Paul Cameron. Cameron has long been an anti-gay hate campaigner, but in a radio interview he recently summarised the extent of his bigotry, and its religious origins, as such:

"..homosexuality is the one sin, or the one habit, that is 24/7. It is homosexuality all the time... Mark my words clearly; the long term goal of the homosexual movement is to get every little boy to grab his ankles and every little girl to give it a try. They will not rest until every one of our children at least gets to try, has the opportunity and maybe is forced to at least once experience homosexual acts. There is no retreating from that, they made it very clear earlier on—now they don’t take about it—but that’s what they want, they will not be happy until they get it, marriage is just a step along the way."

http://www.lgbtqnation.com/2012/05/paul-cameron-suggests-obama-is-gay-demands-gays-be-imprisoned-before-they-rape-kids/

From a scientific standpoint, I hope that more start to speak out and discredit Cameron's ridiculous "evidence" against homosexuality soon. A good example beginning is:http://psychology.ucdavis.edu/rainbow/html/facts_cameron.html
I think the irrationality of the main arguments against these common, usually religiously based, conservative, right-wing diatribes against gay marriage was summarised beautifully, with humour and sarcasm, here: http://littlelioness.net/2009/11/12/ten-reasons-why-gay-marriage-is-wrong/

In many countries, until the 1970s (although still continuing in some), there were laws against interracial marriage, yet to those of us born in or after the 1970s, such racist views seem ridiculously outdated and almost unimaginable. In my own family, being born of white, western European descent, we have now welcomed Taiwanese, Persian and African American family members by marriage... shocking! *Gasp!*?... or- in reality, it barely gets a second thought, as it should be.

So WHY should anyone be so opposed to gay marriage? Perhaps it's Bible verses such as "Marriage by God’s design is the union of one man and one woman" (Genesis 2:18) that inspire it?

If it is for religious reasons, on the assumption that marriage "belongs" to for example Christians, then why not so vehemently oppose inter-theological unions? Or marriages of other theology groups, such as Buddhism, who do not follow a deity, or even those most evil of all folks- such as myself.... the Atheists? Or, for that matter, anyone who has ever had sex- after all, Deuteronomy 22:13-21 states that "A marriage shall only be valid if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed."

Good- yes.. let's embrace the hatred, and discourage the foundation of what most people associate marriage with these days: not the Bible, or tradition, obligations or fear of social retribution, but LOVE.

In having legislation such as the Marriage Act 1961 in Australia, Governments have bought in to being part of the arguement. Although the original design of the Act was from the dominant Christian influence on society at the time, this is not a reason to retain it in its outdated, dsicrimanatory state which does not reflect the views and needs of current Australians.

As for those like Cameron who will continue to pollute the world with their hateful rants- I'm all for people having differing opinions, but if you cannot find a logical, defensible evidence base other than ignorance and hate mongering, then ever so kindly, do shut the fuck up.

Things that shit me #12- Doctors for the Family

In the news this week, a group who call themselves "Doctors for the Family" have been noted to be campaigning against gay marriage.

http://www.doctors4family.com.au/

The listed aim of the site is: "highlight the health aspects of marriage and family and ensure a healthy future for our children".

This site, and every release which has come out quoting them has been incredibly anti gay. I consider them a hate-group. Aside from the basics, like having absolutely no credible evidence other than "I'm a doctor and I say so" and other such self-aggrandising crap (which only really evidences their over-inflated senses of self-importance, nothing more), let's have a think about their position.

The website lists its leader as the recently vocal Dr Lachlan Dunjey- a Perth GP and a right-to-life campaigner who has run as a Senate candidate for the Christian Democratic Party in multiple elections.

As a GP, Dr Dunjey is well qualified to diagnose the difference between laryngitis and tonsilitis, to prescribe medication for high blood pressure, and to write referals to specialists for more complex conditions. He is neither a psychologist, capable of assessing in depth psychological outcomes. Neither is he a sociologist who studies the patterns of people interacting in society in a way which would enable him to determine the long term trends and outcomes of peoples varying social circumstances, such as performance in school, psychological or emotional wellbeing, happiness, future income, etc. even if he were, to extrapolate someone's income, overall health etc as a measure of having had any circumstance other than hetero biological parents is absurd.

What about adopted children? Those raised by their grandparents, extended family or a single parent? Or even my own situation- being raised by my biological, heterosexual parents who remained married to each other for the duration of my childhood, yet managed to fuck me up substantially? Clearly, according to Dr Dunjey, an abusive-biological-and-marital-relationship-containing-two-traditional-genders must be better than sexuality or gender diverse parents who love and care for their children.

Dr Kerryn Phelps, former Australian Medical Association president, was quoted on www.abc.net.au/news as so beautifully describing his position as "extraordinary" and having a "breathtaking lack of reason".

Dr Kuruvilla George, of Victoria's Human Rights and Equal Opportunity Commission, has also signed a petition supporting the Doctors for the Family anti-gay-marriage campaign. Seemed somewhat more than slightly incongruous to me- Human Rights activist AND massively right wing bigoted hate campaigner...hmmm. The Victorian Attorney-General has defended his right to lobby against gay marriage, and this may be the case- he does have a right to voice an opinion.

It's the flawed logic (aside from the human element of treating people as equals blah blah) that's bugging me- how is gay marriage in any way directly related to someone's parenting worth? If gay marriage is his objection, then why extend this to parenting? Is he also insinuating that unwed parents in a long term stable union with a biological chil are also unfit parents? Somehow, the signing on the dotted line of a legal marriage contract and perhaps supplementing this activity by placing a circular band of alloyed metals around a digit must impass some power, deeming said individuals capable of great and powerful thing, my preciousssss?

Anyhow, my ranting begins to descend into ever-decreasing circles, but I think my point has been made, so I'll leave it here: A child needs love and support, it does not matter what combination of genitals the parents have.