I was very surprised the other day to hear a woman I know talking very openly about her recent absence from work by going into the following detail “I left work and went to hospital because I had a miscarriage that day”.
My surprise was two-fold:
Firstly, how often do you actually hear people saying they had a miscarriage, unless it is following the announcement of their pregnancy, ie “we’re so happy to be having this baby; especially after we had two miscarriages last year…”.
On the whole this reluctance to share the news with the world is very understandable; it was likely an upsetting experience if they wanted a child, and then had a miscarriage. A sense of loss, bereavement for some, or failure as it is sometimes described.
For all those who do share the news of their miscarriage there is likely to be ten who do not, which may be what fosters a sense of “failure” – not having an awareness of how many people do have difficulty falling pregnant and/ or carrying a pregnancy to term, and only having the “successful” ones as a point of comparison.
The second thing that surprised me about her sharing the news was that only a few weeks prior she was relating a story about her toddler to me, and asked if I had children; when I said no, I do not, she said “Smart woman; don’t have them- I wouldn’t recommend it!”. I had awkwardly laughed at her comment, fighting a lump rising in my throat and thinking how much I would love to have children, but am not likely to be able to, and responded with “So, no more planned for you then?”; “Definitely not!” she stated.
I’ve been through a mix of reactions with this one- from thinking “well screw you, ungrateful person!” in that she can get pregnant, and has a lovely child already which she doesn’t appreciate, when other people are not so fortunate; to thinking I wonder if she also puts on a certain bravado at her reproductive difficulties. In her 40s, she is perhaps experiencing difficulty in getting and staying pregnant, so stating to the world that she “Definitely does not want more children!!!” is a defence to the people who ask if she wants more.
This is a defence I have used, and still do in many situations. It diffuses the “…you’re in your 30s… no children… don’t you want any?!” *insert worried tone* type of questions quite well- even better if you add a callous or flippant tone “F ck no! Why would I want kids?!?”.
The apparent need or desire to conceal an early stage pregnancy has a whole range of politics attached- the fear of misscarrying, of having to arrange workplace leave/ plans, all while running a gauntlet of other people's opinions about what you should or shouldn't be doing (including questions around should you be having a child at all in your 40s- another loud criticism I once heard in a workplace!) or eating. Since the dawn of humanity people have been having children, so why haven't we learned to accept the inevitable losses or challenges that our friends, family or co-workers will experience and become better at supporting them, rather than judging or criticising?
At a party recently I heard some people discussing a surprise pregnancy: a woman arrived, visibly at least 6 months pregnant, with no known partner in the last year. The conversation started around the surprise of the situation “no, haven’t seen Amy* in months…”; “…I don’t think she’s seeing anyone… she certainly wasn’t earlier in the year when I saw her…”, and then turned to her first child “… apparently she threatened Andrew* that if he didn’t have a baby with her she’d leave him… then they broke up when the baby was four months old anyway.”. I found it an interesting choice of language, saying that she threatened her partner into having a child, and one that is not infrequent.
What we do know- Amy was about 38 years old, and had been dating Andrew for about 2 years. They had a conversation which involved the topic of having children; a child resulted some time later. Where the “threats” came from is likely to be either Andrew’s perspective, or that of people outside the relationship. Perhaps Amy did state that she wanted a child or she would end the relationship, which, as a 38 year old woman is a real choice some have to make, as if Andrew did not want children, by staying with him another few years a child would not magically appear in her life, and her fertility would likely disappear entirely. I would argue that in stating her desire to have children, and acknowledging she had limited time, she was being realistic about the situation and acting with self-respect. Any further inference to the tone of the conversation that occurred between them is speculative, yet such salacious speculation people love to make…
What is it that drives people to judge Amy so much? Envy? That she doesn't conform to their sense of social norms? I wonder if anyone was saying "congratulations- as a single Mum, is there anything I can do to help?", or is that also seen as interfering or insulting her capacity to make this decision to have a second child by herself and cope with it?
It would seem we are a long way from being able to openly and honestly discuss our reproductive fears, desires and issues associated with having children.
*names have been changed
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