Songs and Associations

Some people pass through your life and leave a mark in ways you wouldn't have expected- little memories, some like gifts, which all make up who we are.

One for me was a guy I was dating earlier this year, who in most respects was fairly unremarkable. We had some fun together, but it was never serious. When he stopped calling, I didn't think anything of it, as I had no real desire to see him again either. Nothing unpleasant- we'd just used up all we had to gain from each other, and it was time to part.

What stays with me, was his habit of putting on certain music in the morning while he showered and dressed (okay, and some other funny things too, like the videos of him nude bungee jumping, but that's a story for another day). 

While I'd always liked the song "Little Lion Man" when I heard it on the radio, I'd never sat down and listened to the full Mumford and Sons album (Sigh No More) before either. A few months passed and I found some tunes entering my head, so I bought the album for myself and now I am a huge convert, so thank you, 26- you gave me a new top ten album of all time.

Now there is also a song which, whenever it comes on the radio, I think of him and smile at the memory- "We are young" by Fun (no, not Paul Dempsey singing of "...dangled upside down from a great height..."). 

Other songs bring a smirk any time your hear them, like "What are ya (a yob or a wanker)", by TISM, which was unfortunate enough to work its way into the CD shuffle the night I lost my virginity. Talk about panic as he bolted across the room to change the song (also incidentally the night I learned of the bouncy comedy that is a naked man running). Somehow I don't the introductory phrase of "I'm a wanker...I'm a wanker... I'm a wanker..." was exactly the image he wanted to be giving at that moment.

Indelible images burned on your brain, which whenever you hear the songs, they rise again to the surface: The Johnny Cash cover of Hurt by Nine Inch Nails will always remind me of one ex-boyfriend. Any music by The Doors will always make me think of a friend I lost too young.

One of my favourite bands of all time is Something for Kate, and albums by their singer Paul Dempsey. They always make me think of a friend form university, when we'd be sitting in the corner loving the songs, reciting the lyrics, and everyone else would look at us like we're loonies. 

Recently though, someone has given them new associations, and I'm not sure what to make of it all- Will I be left with a smile when I hear them, or a desire to switch off? For now its a knot in the stomach, but there's no rest from this paralysis.

The Henry VIII guide: How to get rid of 5 Wives

I received a message last week from my sister, who was quite hysterical as she'd heard that our father was leaving his wife, who is in a nursing home, and had proposed to another woman he'd been having an affair with, using his wife's ring. 

She had found this out after calling our stepmother ( our father's wife), who said he'd been having an affair for a while, and that she needed a lawyer and wanted her ring back.

This is all quite unthinkable for most people, and sound more like a plot from Days of our Lives or some other horrendous soap opera, than real life. Then you take into consideration that our father's current wife is his 5th, and that the ring in question, which he had allegedly proposed to someone else with, was already recycled- having been given to my mother as an anniversary gift (which she subsequently suggested he insert rectally, so to speak, in their divorce). 

In an update to the story, it turns out the current wife had a stroke last week, and is having a lot of delusions, as a result of that and her existent dementia, of which this story is just one. 

But where's the fun in reality? What's more pertinent is that we all found this to be a credible reality, and believed it to be actually happening, as opposed to just being a figment of a decaying, dementia patient's mind. 

About to turn 31, I am beginning to see a smattering of divorces among my friends. At the time they married they were very much in love, and im sure they hoped for and envisioned a lasting future together. These days we think very little of someone having been divorced, and in some ways it's almost endearing: isn't it nice for someone to have been so passionately devoted, even if naively, to want to ignore any flaws in another person and devote themselves to each other.  As humans we make these mistakes, but at some point it's normal to expect that people learn from them and grow or change. 

I was talking to some women at a party recently, who were in their early 50s. There was also a rather suave guy there, pushing 60, but looking great in a suit, a big smile for everyone, and who seemed intelligent and friendly, not arrogant to talk to. The women were single, as he evidently also was, but none of them seemed intersted in  him, despite him having what seemed to me to be some attractive qualities. I asked them why they weren't interested in him, and their response was  simply "He's been divorced TWICE!". 

Interested, I pursued the matter further, and the comments were along the lines of, "doesn't he learn!?" and "there must be something wrong with him!". I didn't tell them about my father, as I've had that awkward shuffling and avoidance of conversation too many times before.

As one of my brothers once pointed out, a 6th wife would make our father like King Henry VIII, although he hadn't rid himself of any by means of beheading. (Not that I'd be sure it had never crossed his mind. )

In one sense, it's actually quite impressive that he has convinced that many people to marry him. As my mother said- he was very romantic when dating, very convincing that he'd been misunderstood by his previous [3 at that stage] wives, and just wanted someone to love.  As it turned out he just wanted someone to love HIM (the concept of loving someone else is irrelevant to a pathological narcissist- everyone loves them in their mind) without question, even if he kicks your children or punches you in the face.

Growing up with this reality gives you a very warped view of relationships, marriage and love. Where everyone who "loves" you, will manipulate, humiliate and abuse you. 

It's interesting when you're also painted as guilty by association- I can't tell you how many boyfriends' parents I've met who clearly disapprove of the family I come from, and push for them to dissociate from me. A child has no choice what family yet are born into, or grow up in.

So what has all of this taught me? I can't tell anyone what is the right thing to do, but I can talk for days about what NOT to do. 

 I approach relationships very cautiously- too cautiously- and have lost several partners through not giving up enough of myself fast enough, but having witnessed such intense manipulation and deception, and the abuse that ensued, trust is not something I develop easily. I would feel safer walking naked through the middle of Kabul holding a placard stating "fuck Allah" than I would to tell a partner I loved them. Even writing is in conceptual form gives me a feeling of tightening in the chest- the beginning of a panic attack. 

I have created a self- fulfilling prophecies: if I reveal too much of my past, be myself, or don't do what they would want, they will reject me. So I hold back to extremes, and they wind up leaving anyway, probably through frustration as much as impatience. Thus reinforcing the belief that no one will ever understand my situation or want to be with me.  Do I recognise my own role in these situations, and kick myself every time it happens? More than you could possbily imagine. 

Shaken out of bliss

I'm Sitting in the Garden bar in Zadar- this place is one of the nicest places I've ever been in. Absolutely magical- situated on the peninsula Which juts out into the adriatic, housing the town which has existed for 3000 years, and the atop of the ancient town walls. You look across the inlet to the mainland, watching the night time reflections dance on the water. 

I ordered a vanilla mojito- possibly the best cocktail I've ever had. The lounges are so comfortable I sunk back, listening to the amazing lounge beats and drifting into deep, dreamy relaxation. 

Then there was an electrical fault- and the music and lights went off, leaving the harsh cackling of the group of Spanish tourists nearby to scrape into your psyche, and completely jolting you out of that dream like state.

 Like a warm shower, easing all your aches  after a hard week, beginning to feel like maybe you'll morph into a human being again- then suddenly the water going cold - leaving you feeling shocked and ruining all that was.

From something which seemed so beautiful, like nothing you'd ever imagined possible, to a harsh reality which was perhaps thinly veiled in partly the moment, but largely only existing in your imagination. 

It seems the perfect metaphor for my life recently.

Black dog tours

When you go to another town, city or country, you can experience many different things- see new sights; better weather, or just different if that's what you're after; taste different foods and meet different people.

The one thing which is quite inescapable is what rattles around in your own brain. Travel can be fantastic for opening new parts of your mind or distracting you for a while, but the demons of doubt and self loathing lurk close behind, like a shadow growing longer in the day and waiting to consume all at night fall.

The black dog is not stopped at quarantine or customs, nor is it required its own passport, but travels freely right along side you, perhaps imperceptibly at first. Then one day the delirium of a new holiday wears off, and jet lag creeps up, weighing you to the spot until you roll over in the middle of the night and it's staring back at you. Big black eyes which sear into your core, making it impossible to deny that all you had been trying to pretend you weren't is still true.

For me, it's right beside me in the mirror most of all, saying that you can't hide what you are- no make up, change of clothes or different surroundings will hide what a freak you are. I am disgusted with you, and everyone else is too.

Every time you manage to forget about it, When y walk down the street, there are so many eyes- laughing, mocking, taunting eyes, which remind you of this- you are a fucking weirdo freak who will never be acceptable. Other people are just a reminder of what you're not- they may be beautiful, comfortable, happy, laughing, with fulfilling lives. You walk past them, empty, as though performing a role, although badly, and they mock your failure at trying to be one of them.

Away from work, home and it's usual distractions, the banale routine of normality, it is only more apparent, the hollowness of it all. The shame of loneliness you daren't confess for fear of further mocking, and the paralysing ironic inability to talk to people and remedy the situation.

And so I drift, alone, through country after country searching for a soul I will likely never have.

Everything You Think has been Thought Before

... including the title statement. (thank you VW Goethe)

Much of what we often think or say has also been put into song lyrics. To use the above example, see the opening line of Three Dimensions by Something for Kate: "you're not the first to think that everything has been thought before". Yep- right they are.

If the Beatles didn't prove that almost anything can be a song lyric with "Googoogatube", Nirvana explored torture and murders in song with "Polly" (I think she wants some water.. to put out the blowtorch), then Regurgitator explored interesting new ground of what can constitute the basis of a song with "I Piss Alone [because I don't want nobody to know that I haven't got the pressure of some of the other boys- they make a noise, it scares me so...]" . One day I'll attempt the 100% song lyrics blog post.

The bizarre, drug addled or comical aside, most people have probably had a moment when they hear a song lyric where it really hits home, and you feel as though the band/ artist is singing directly to you- Even if it's Pink singing "I've had a shit day" (although I do prefer the Kevin Bloody Wilson way of putting it "I've had an absolute cunt of a day.."), yet we still sometimes feel as though no one would understand the thoughts or feelings expressed at those times.

I love music for this reason. There's something fantastic about putting on some tunes you relate to or that pick you up with a combination of their lyrics and melodies- music which matches your mood or the moment. 

With travels in my near future I'm again drawn to music which makes me think of it, like "I'm in London still" by the Waifs, thinking of the fantastic experiences while living and travelling overseas, but the knowledge that in gaining that experience you leave behind friends and other parts of your life. You only know its time to come home when "Every Fucking City [looks the same]" by Paul Kelly is the song most resonating with you.

The Girl With Colitis Goes By

Many comedians would be proud to write an original song lyric like "the girl with colitis goes by" (though, in  way, that event itself would probably also be quite musical). The Beatles hopefully got a good giggle out of one of the oft- misheard song lyrics from Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.

"Excuse me while I kiss this guy" is another one that gets bandied about, and tends to arouse a chortle on mention. 

It can also be a way to have fun with people. Two that have been tried around me:
"Tickle ya cunt with a feather?" [and, when people look shocked and generally ask what did they say] "Typical country weather!"

The second was used by a couple of Irish guys in a loud bar: "Would you like to join us for a gang bang?". I guess they weren't so much hoping on it being mistaken for something else, as girls just not understanding, and nodding in agreement to be polite.

One that goes all the way back to primary school is whispering or mouthing "colourful", which looks remarkably like "I love you".

I'm not sure if its my tendency for my mind to roll downhill and wind up in the gutter, warped transmission of signals as they enter my brain, or a hearing defect, but I frequently mishear things. More often than not I think people say something incredibly inappropriate, and have to repress my urge to giggle while trying to tell myself they probably didn't just say that.

Sometimes other factors interfere- once I thought a guy said the 3 words "I love you". I really wasn't sure if I'd heard right, and then thought, if I ask if he just said that, and he didn't, then I've just introduced a whole bag of awkward into the situation. 

I thought of trying to bring it up in a way to mention it, without mentioning it... if that's possible. 

I never got the opportunity though, and then he was gone. So maybe it'll always remain one of those mysteries.

Relating to Dexter's Darkness

Since the end of Dexter Series 7 in December 2011, I have gone through withdrawals. Breaking Bad was an entertaining interlude, but all series combined could not satisfy my Dexter-lust. I suppose I should be ashamed of having been a TV whore, and get on and read the books for my fix. 

As explored in my first post on Dexter, the character has many traits I relate to as having been a social outcast, and the feelings of dislocation from "normal" society. 

Here are some more excerpts:

" I just know there's something dark in me. I hide it. Certainly don't talk about it. But it's there. Always. This … Dark Passenger. How when he's driving, I feel … alive. Half-sick with the thrill, complete wrongness. I don't fight him. I don't want to. He's all I've got. Nothing else could love me, not even … especially not me. Or is that just a lie the Dark Passenger tells me? Because, lately, there are these moments that I feel connected to something else. Someone. It's like … the mask is slipping, and things, people, that never mattered before, are suddenly starting to matter. It scares the hell out of me."

As previously discussed, the darkness has strong synergies with experiences and descriptions of depression: that feeling that someone can see through your carefully constructed exterior, the shell that hides what you're ashamed of; a shift of your focus [the unfamiliar feeling of having a connection with a person] can shake the sense of security and leave you exposed and vulnerable; unaware of how to act in foreign territory.

___________________________________________________
Miguel: "It doesn't have be this way"[with Dexter killing you!]
Dexter: "But it always does. I had high hopes for you, but I guess I just have to accept that I will always be alone."

As friendships, or even having a basic connection with a person is such an alien concept, it is easier to rationalise the situation as a blip in what is experienced as "normal". In order to cope, instead of becoming saddened or distressed at the conflict or loss of a friend (okay, it doesn't have to be through killing them, as in Dexter, but through an argument etc) by assimilating this information with the internal construction of self that "I am a loner, and will always be/ am better off alone", it is easier to cope with.



___________________________________________________
[Enter hope] DM Monologue: "The Dark Passenger has been fighting against it, to keep me all to himself. But it is my turn now, to get what I want. To embrace my family. And maybe one day not so long from now, I’ll be rid of the Dark Passenger. It all begins with a getaway. Time away from the old me. Life doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be lived"...[Dexter finds Rita's dead body] "But it doesn't matter what I do, what I choose... I'm what's wrong. This is fate."

Having battled depression for most of my life, I can't begin to explain how many times I've felt like this. I don't mean having someone murdered, but that, on finding hope, something happens to take that hope away, and you internalise its cause:

"What just happened is not only my fault [even when due to external/ uncontrollable circumstances] but happened because I innately deserve it [ie it's fate/karma etc because I'm a bad person] ". 

When internalising self as the root cause of all things bad which occur, this further transforms into not only "bad things always happen to me", but "bad things will always continue to happen to me, purely because I am me, and I deserve it".

It seems incredibly irrational when you say it out loud, or analyse it with the benefit of hindsight, but at the time it feels like an inescapable and endless hopeless situation.


___________________________________________________


Dexter monologue: "Lumen said I gave her her life back... a reversal of my usual role. Well the fact is, she gave me mine back too.... Eyes that saw me, finally, for who I really am. And a certainty that nothing... nothing is set in stone. Not even darkness. While she was here, she made me think for the briefest moment I might even have a chance to be human. But wishes, of course, are for children. "

There are so many glimpses of hope- of a life that could be- but so suffocated by the world he knows, when Dexter fails to realise them he is quick to dismiss such thoughts as fleeting fantasies, and therefore unrealistic aspirations. 

This is not uncommon in life. A common scenario:

1- Having a fulfilling relationship 
2- losing that fulfilling relationship 

Then there are the options of how to deal with this:

3a [the depressed self]- resolving the loss of relationship into something which correlates with the damaged self-concept by rationalising it as having never been a realistic possibility  i.e. "I am not worthy of a relationship; should not have fooled myself into believing it was a possibility; therefore the loss was inevitable, even though I didn't foresee it previously". In a way it is the less painful way to deal with things as, although it may appear to some to be an incredibly sad thing- to write yourself and any hope you had off, by negating the thought that the relationship was a genuine chance in the first place, all that is left to deal with is feeling a bit foolish about having believed you had hope in the first place. 

or

3b [the rational self?]- challenging the self and potentially risking descending into conflict, depression, and issues which are harder and more complex to resolve- i.e. dealing with the actual loss itself.

Pat Robertson- Pushing the Limits of Stupidity

Pat Robertson, and American televangelist, has come out and said some pretty ignorant, hateful things in his time. For example (this one is so ignorant it's actually funny):

"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." - 1992 (Wikiquotes).

The frightening part is that to remain on television, he must be earning money and hence some people actually follow this utter dribble he spouts forth, which doesn't bode well for [certain subsets of poorly educated, older, white, American] society.

In recent events, some random psychopath picked up a gun, went into a Sikh temple and shot a bunch of people. 

While most people would say (inside the USA) "That guy was possibly influenced by the Batman shootings, and is a random psychopath" (outside USA) "This is more evidence as to why there should be tighter gun control laws in the US", Pat Robertson has gone for the hate and blame game approach. See his dribble on the shooting incident here: http://www.examiner.com/video/pat-robertson-blames-atheists-for-sikh-temple-shooting

“What is it? Is it satanic? Is it some spiritual thing, people who are atheists, they hate God, they hate the expression of God? And they are angry with the world, angry with themselves, angry with society and they take it out on innocent people who are worshiping God.”

In retort, one author put it so beautifully: "For the record, atheists neither love nor hate god, for the simple reason that god does not exist.".
(http://www.examiner.com/article/pat-robertson-blames-atheists-for-sikh-temple-massacre?cid=rss )

I think I love this guy (no, no- not Robertson- the other guy). Blunt, sees it like it is, and recognises a total arsehat when he sees one.

Robertson's diatribe against athiests is clearly ill-informed, and shbows more evidence in support of the theory that extreme conservatives have lower intelligence ( http://www.livescience.com/18132-intelligence-social-conservatism-racism.html).

It could be a matter of not having the educational opportunities, though, so we've been here before, but will say it again. Atheism is not a hatred of a God, deity or theology. It is an absence of belief. 

Let's provide some context, and compare it to something he may be able to comprehend:

Compare unicorns to ponies. A child may believe in and love unicorns, or believe in and love ponies. Chances are, though, they have seen, and possibly touched a pony, as it is not a figment of their imagination. When you grow up and learn the difference between real and imaginary, most rational people don't start to hate unicorns or resent anyone who ever led them to believe they might be real.

Medi-e-Vil BiAs

I get very frustrated with people who want to spread fear and hatred, which is really all this could be described as trying to achieve:
Medical [e] Vilification and Bigotry in Australia (ala Medi-e-vil BiAs)
http://nocompulsoryvaccination.com/2012/07/29/medical-vilification-and-bigotry-in-australia/


The humorous side of it, however, is the degree of hypocrisy and lack self-awareness it demonstrates.


The blogger starts trying to paint any who disagree with her opinion as "bigots", offering the initial definition of  "a bigot is anyone who is intolerant of those who hold differing opinions." Well it's a somewhat overly simplistic definition, used with bias to promote the blogger's own cause. Let's explore this a bit further...


The Mirriam Webster dictionary defines a bigot as:
A person who is obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices, especially one who treats the members of a group ... with hatred or violence.
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/bigot


For some more context and depth, Wikipedia introduces bigotry as:

"'Bigotry' is the state of mind of a "bigot", a person obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially : one who regards or treats the members of a group (as a racial or ethnic group) with hatred and intolerance". Bigotry may be based on real or perceived characteristics, including age, disability, dissension from popular opinions, economic status, ethnicity, gender identity, language, nationality, personal habits, political alignment, race, region, religious or spiritual belief, sex, or sexual orientation.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bigotry

In the article, the blogger aims to prove the claim "So you could say that everyone who is a member of Stop the AVN – by definition – is a bigot.", and yet what the blog continues to present is a hateful diatribe based on the a group and members thereof, based purely on their beliefs or opinions solely because they dissent from the blogger's own.... hmm I believe that actually is the definition of bigotry.


Firstly, let's look at the origin of this claim. It is from the AVN- so the idea that some may oppose their stance would perhaps appear threatening, if they felt vulnerable to such criticisms. Humans in general do not like a difference of opinion- the challenge that they may not be 100% "correct" creates cognitive dissonance: a sense of unease or discomfort which may even be experienced physically. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance

Secondly, as is much of the website, the article is presented with a slathering of martyrdom based on the claim that AVN are trying to achieve something laudable, and suffer greatly for their cause (if you consider a difference of opinion "suffering"). 


Then there is the selective representation of the case study "Bowditch compounded his shocking assaults against innocent supporters of the AVN as you can see below". In elementary school I think we all learned about character development in prose, or even inadvertently, through stories which describe the "wicked witch" vs the "charming prince" for example. It leads the readers' minds to side with the constructed protagonist. It's journalism ala Today Tonight. 

To vilify: To make vicious and defamatory statements about.
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/vilification


I don't know Bowditch, and am not familiar with his personal or professional associations, or interaction history with the AVN, but can only assume that their past has not been amicable. The attribution of negative traits in any description of him or what intent his statements were made are an interesting demonstration of vilification, however.


Then there is the selection of tweets presented as follows:
"Innocent" AVN Supporter: Meanwhile you keep talking about dead babies and orgasms.
Bowditch: Why don't you just answer the question? How many does it take?


Followed by this interpretation of said tweets:
"So once again, he implies – to the mother of a vaccine-injured child – that she gets sexual pleasure from dead babies."


At this point I'm tempted to suggest a class in reading comprehension to the blog-writer. What I can see is mutual aggravation- baiting from both sides, and avoidance of the topic at hand, not one mercilessly attacking the innocent [unnecessarily emotive descriptive bias added for dramatic effect] other unprovoked. In this selection, at least, there was no such implication, and the insinuation makes as much sense as:


Q- Ask me if I'm an orange.
A- Are you calling me fat?
Once again, the Q implied that A has a dietary and weight issue and enjoys sexual activity with fresh produce.


I persevered, in the mistaken belief that there would be some sense, conclusion or at least a reasonable argument contained in the post, and was left wanting.


"I feel that people who cannot see what is inherently vile and disturbing about Bowditch’s rhetoric could be capable of anything."


I feel the same about the Catholic Church; that it is inherently vile and disturbing in its rhetoric. I also believe the behaviour of certain individuals who are members of this institution conduct acts which are reprehensible, for example, the systematic rape of children by some members of the clergy. Yet I don't assume this necessarily means every Catholic is vile or disturbing or insinuate that they must all condone such acts. To do so would be perceiving all Catholics to have the same characteristics, based solely on their membership of said group, and treating the members of that group with hatred and intolerance on that basis (refer above to definition of bigotry).


*End with staggeringly hypocritical statement *:
"Vilification and bigotry have no place in Australia." 

Fickle Fatness

This post is not to mock, poke fun at or flick with a wet towel, but to raise awareness and stimulate discussion about the problems with fat and obesity. 

Over the last few hundred years, through medical science, improved nutrition and better living conditions, humans have increased their life expectancy. Now, for the first time in generations, Australians, and many people around the world, can expect to have a shorter life expectancy than their parents and we have our own behaviours to thank.

While there hasn't been a lot of attention on the potential adverse health effects of fatness until the last 10 years or so, I think ignorance can only go so far.

"[World's Fattest man] Mr Martin revealed how he started cutting back in September when he became bed-bound by two giant hernias which are the size of four bowling balls."(1)

That's when he decided to start cutting back... Were there really no clues before that? Trouble breathing; inability to fit in a chair? Needing other people to bathe you because you can't even reach all the parts of your own body due to no other reason than its sheer enormity?

A new advertising campaign has been launched in Western Australia to try and make people think about the effects of fat on their health: http://www.abc.net.au/news/2012-07-24/watch-the-livelighter-toxic-fat-ad/4149900

Amazingly, some have called this controversial, partly for fears it will encourage eating disorders (2). This seems somewhat incredulous to me, as the number of dangerously underweight people is far outweighed (no pun intended) by the numbers of obese people.

The reality is eating feels good. The person who said "nothing tastes as good as thin feels" was probably delirious from low blood sugar.

In modern Australia, nutritious foods such as fruit and vegetables are readily available and affordable to all. I have heard arguments to the contrary, but those proponents will often tout the affordability of fast food in the same breath. If a McDonalds meal is $7-10, and for the same price you can buy 1kg of apples, 1 kg of carrots and 1kg of broccoli- I refuse to believe that argument. The problem is the convenience and availability of high-calorie foods- to cook a nutritious meal takes some planning, time, effort and a limited amount of skill, whereas to visit a drive through window takes virtually none.

The effort part becomes more problematic with the resistance to exercising too. I am very guilty of this one- exercise is uncomfortable; it hurts; is inconvenient to fit in a schedule which holds other options like relaxing (or blogging?). Gyms, and exercising for the sake of exercising are new concepts too though- food used to require hunting, digging, walking, carrying, farming, grinding grain, slaughtering animals etc.- now a few clicks of a mouse will gave someone bring a 4000 calorie pizza to your front door in under an hour. 

Fatness can even be partially determined before you're born- poor nutrition during pregnancy can lead to future obesity for the baby. (3) 

Although born a healthy weight, and presumably well nourished, as an over fed child I developed plenty of fat cells. The number of fat cells you have as a child stays with you for life-  you never lose them, even if you shrink their contents through diet and exercise- and it is more likely that you will always be fat. (4)


So why should we care?

For many, the concern is not their health or wellbeing as it's not immediately obvious to them- how they look is what affects them daily. This is reflected in shows like the Biggest Loser-Singles, which are are filled with people crying about how they can't get laid because they're obese (NB - Coming soon- Things that shit me: Vapid TV). While that's obviously an extreme example, the social acceptability, or lack thereof, of varying body shapes and sizes is a strong influence on many. While we often don't obtain what we perceive to be the "ideal" body, we feel guilty or bad about ourselves because of it and, ironically will often comfort-eat in compensation. 

Those who are of a more socially acceptable size may not be aware of the health risks they run, potentially having visceral fat and being "thin-fat". (Don't know what this is? See http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QlBr41vLWI)

My father is a slim-looking person, weighing about 75 kgs at approx 180cms tall he has a recommended BMI (5). Yet he has type 2 diabetes- the likely cause of which is visceral fat. My mother's family are all overweight or obese, and have high cholesterol, high blood pressure and conditions like angina- caused by their fat. Although I may not look "fat" on the outside, either or both of these situations are my likely future, and a lack of awareness and action will all but guarantee it.

It's not a problem of weakness, an inability to resist food, only eating bad foods, lack of intelligence or any one factor. "If it were easy we wouldn't have about 300 million obese people in the world" (6).



1-  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2140307/Keith-Martin-Horrifying-life-worlds-fattest-man.html#ixzz21Wzq22qY 2- http://www.abc.net.au/news/2012-07-24/expert-backs-graphic-anti-obesity-ads/4150136
3-http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn7482-study-shows-why-poor-prenatal-nutrition-leads-to-obesity.html
4- http://scienceblogs.com/notrocketscience/2008/05/04/fat-cell-number-is-set-in-childhood-and-stays-constant-in-ad/
5- http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/bmi-m.htm 
6-  Globesity - Fat’s New Frontier http://www.abc.net.au/foreign/content/2012/s3550234.htm

Is Christianity Inherently Misogynistic?- Part 2

In this part, let's have a look at the value of women in the bible further.

According to the bible (King James) women are a spoil of war- in the same category of donkeys, material goods or other possessions:
 "And the booty, being the rest of the prey which the men of war had caught, was 675,000 sheep, And 72,000 beeves, And 61,000 asses, And 32,000 persons in all, of women that had not known man by lying with him . . . of which the Lord's tribute was 32 persons. And Moses gave the tribute..." (Numbers 31:32-41)

Once again (as in part 1) we see that the only valuable women are virgins. The word "booty" has made a re-entry into popular discourse in recent years- I wonder if Beyonce would be so quick to promote her "Bootilicious"ness if she knew it was likening herself to being nothing more than something to barter with?

This is not the only time a woman is traded as a commodity in the bible:
 ". . . . And Jephthah came to Mizpeh unto his house, and behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances: and she was his only child; . . . And it came to pass at the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed." (Judges 11:30-39). What better gift could you give someone, than your daughter? [note heavy sarcasm] 

But if you happen to rape a virgin who was engaged to someone else, it seems this would ruin the value she had (and presumably what the family could gain from this commodity). So what's the solution for this- I know, she should be stoned to death!:
"If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of the city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city; and the man, because he hath humbled his neighbour's wife: so thou shalt put away evil from among you." (Deuteronomy 22:23-24)

Was it that no one was around to witness the cries, or that she was gagged, beaten or unable to cry out for other reasons? Doesn't matter, she's ruined now, just kill her... unless.. she's not engaged, in which case she should be forced to marry her rapist, for the appropriate price the family can gain:
"If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days." (Deuteronomy 22:28-29)

Interesting too, in the purchase of a woman (if not just giving them away) is what could be seen as an equal value item:
 "Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife." (I Samuel 18:27).

Unless you run an eyelid transplant or skin grafting business, what the fuck would you want with 200 foreskins? 200 foreskins from the corpses of your enemies as well, rotting and fly-ridden no doubt. Are there any alternate references to a woman's worth? Of course- it's best to be clear, but in general, around half of what a man is worth:

"... And thy estimation shall be of the male from twenty years old even unto sixty years old, even thy estimation shall be fifty shekels of silver, after the shekel of the sanctuary. And if it be a female,then thy estimation shall be thirty shekels. And if it be from five years old even unto twenty years old, then thy estimation shall be of the male twenty shekels, and for the female ten shekels. And if it be from a month old even unto five years old, then thy estimation shall be of the male five shekels of silver, and for the female thy estimation shall be three shekels of silver. And if it be from sixty years old and above; if it be a male, then thy estimation shall be fifteen shekels, and for the female ten shekels." (Leviticus 27:1-7)

If you are not worth 10 shekels or 200 foreskins though, and are an undesirable (I assume sexually active, or one with an opinion, are the huge crimes a woman would commit to fit in this category), then the bible says they should be publicly degraded and humiliated by being made to expose your genitals and having a skin condition inflicted as a punishment.

"Moreover the Lord saith, Because the daughters of Zion are haughty, and walk with stretched forth necks and wanton eyes, walking and mincing as they go, and making a tinkling with their feet: Therefore the Lord will smite with a scab the crown of the head of the daughters of Zion, and the Lord will discover bare their secret parts." (Isaiah 3:16-17)

So in this part we've seen women traded as a possession, raped, killed for being raped, being worth half of what a man is or equivalent to a pile of rotting foreskins. 

Hollywood vs Real Life

A friend recently recommended a romantic comedy to me named "Love and Other Drugs". I'm not exactly a fan of chick flicks/ romcoms, but it was moderately entertaining. Jake Gyllenhaal's character is a pharmaceutical sales rep (hence why my friend thought I'd like it- as that was one of my many careers too) who falls in love with Anne Hathaway's character- a young artist with Parkinson's disease. 


Synopsis: Boy falls for girl despite her imminent debilitating illness, considers ditching her when having some insight to what the potential future of a wheelchair bound partner in adult nappies is explained to him, but of course (as happens in Hollywood movies) he decides he loves her too much, gives up his career and everything else for love. The end. Awww... 


Anne Hathaway's character does, however, try to warn him many times that getting into a relationship with her would be fraught with complications due to her illness, and this knowledge changed the way she approached things. This got me thinking more about my own situation and possible future.


A few weeks ago I passed the one year mark from when I found out I had a cancerous tumour (See post "Beating the Big C"). Several months and two operations later, an initial screen suggested it hadn't grown back at that point. Although somewhat reassuring, it was also too early to really be able to draw any conclusions about "recovery" from that.


Now, another 6 months down the track, I have another screening coming up to see if the tumour is gone or has returned. This one will be a fairly good indication of whether or not I will be able to at least keep my uterus for a few years and therefore have a chance to have children. The alternative, if it has grown back, is have a hysterectomy, or don't, and let the cancer kill me. 


None of these are particularly appealing options, and the other side of these considerations is what happens with any potential partners.


Even in the best case scenario, that the tumour doesn't regrow, I still carry a high risk Papilloma virus strain which caused it, which could potentially be transferred to a partner and cause penile cancer (although yes, the probability is incredibly low, do you know many men who would put their hand up for that one? In the words of Dennis Leary [although he was referring to cocaine] "Take my penis awaaay!"). This also means that, even though I may be fine for a few more years, it could always eventually grow back.


If I can't have children:
- I wouldn't want to deny anyone the opportunity to have children, if that's something they wanted, by being with me.
- Ironic as it may sound, I'm also not sure I would want to be with someone who didn't want children, even if I couldn't have them. Perhaps it's the presumed lack of empathy there would be in the relationship. 
- Having had a mental illness, and how rare it is in Australia anyway, I will never be eligible to adopt.


If the cancer will develop and make me sick/ die:
- It would be downright deceptive to not tell someone what you know your future will hold, knowing how that would also affect them.
-  How could you possibly expect anyone to sign up to a future with someone that will be short, unpleasant and/or full of illness? I would say its an incredibly selfish expectation, and possibly delusional to believe that you're so wonderful that your personality alone would make up for everything else. 


It's all well and good for Hollywood movies to slather on the cheesy everything-will-be-fine and love-overcomes-everything storylines, but its hardly realistic. I know some people do manage to overcome some incredibly difficult situations/ illnesses, and accept each other exactly as they are, but [especially for those of us who most definitely do not look like Anne Hathaway] I would wager that 99.9% of potential partners would run in the opposite direction at top speed before you could finish the sentence "I'm a barren source of penis-cancer with a slow, painful death in my future".

Thoughts on "Afterlife": A Thinking Athiest Documentary

A few months ago a neighbour engaged me in conversation about some obscure "healing" practices such as reiki which she had recently tried. I tried to be understanding, and respect that people have the right to blow their income on pointless crap if they wanted to, and simply stated that no, I'd never tried it because I didn't believe in it. 


This managed to devolve into a lecture about my general lack of faith and how she pitied me, and found my lack of spirituality very sad. Practicing much self restraint, I managed not to snort with laughter, tell her to go fuck herself, describe the extent of my lack of "faith" in her overall intelligence, or have any other such honest reaction. 


This incident, and so many like it I've experienced in my life was reflected so well in the words of Laci Green in the newly released video Afterlife (Available at http://youtu.be/eeMoOJpvUlU ).  


Green talks of how she has had people tell her that her life must be depressing because she is an atheist. I have also had similar experiences: pitiful stares, outraged people who feel they need to "save" me on the spot, offers to pray for me... etc ad nauseum.

While there is absolutely no evidence that there is a "heaven", reincarnation or afterlife of any sort, it seems so much easier for people to accept than that I could be content with the idea that one day I will die, and my body or ashes will rot, be eaten, fertilise a tree or something similarly banal that they would readily accept if it were their cat/ dog/ roadkill they just hit. 


"But you can't possibly believe we just DIE, and that's IT?!" I have often been asked. Actually yes, I can and do. The machine which is the body ceases to function, as with every other living organism, and as cell life ceases, so do we. 


I think it is one of the central reasons for religion as a whole to have been created. We, as humans, have constructed this whole system of stories and "logic" around our own self importance in the universe to deal with the fear of death and the unknown. A "happy fantasy", as Afterlife puts it.


What most resonated with me about Afterlife was the following segment by AronRa, which reflects many of the themes I have blogged about, and what motivates me to write: 


The worst aspect of western monotheism is their system of judgement, where in it doesn't matter how good or bad you were in life, you won't be judged according to your deeds the way you should be. It doesn't matter what an evil selfish, sadistic, bigoted victimiser you were in life; all sins can be forgiven if you but believe.


In being an atheist, some argue that I am only accountable to myself, and this somehow should make me a careless hedonist. What I don't have as an atheist are all the excuses that someone will always love me, someone will forgive everything I do in the future, and that what I do now, while alive, is but a blip in my own existence- I can enjoy "heaven" later. 


This does not motivate me to murder or exploit for fear of a deity's impending judgement or consequences, but realise that everyone contributes to the world in a small way, if not by contributing something positive, as a minimum we can not impede thigns by absorbing energy in harming others; that I have to make things happen in my own life, rather than avoiding chances and praying that all will be peachy or taken care of by some greater being after I die.