I am not the only member of my gene pool with significant issues, and this combination creates the appropriate atmosphere for some ripper fights. The last huge fight I had sent me into avoidance mode, and I have now had close to no communication whatsoever with my youngest older half sister*, "R", for almost 2 years. There's no point in rehashing the who said what hurtful events , as its the where to now that is important.
* I have 5 half-sisters, all of whom are older than me, and R is the youngest of those 5, and is 9 years my senior.
R has borderline personality disorder, which is a not very well understood or widely known condition. Wikipedia at 8 Nov 2011 states it to be:
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a personality disorder described as a prolonged disturbance of personality function in a person (generally over the age of eighteen years, although it is also found in adolescents), characterized by depth and variability of moods.[n 1] The disorder typically involves unusual levels of instability in mood; black and white thinking, or splitting; the disorder often manifests itself in idealization and devaluation episodes, as well as chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self. In extreme cases, this disturbance in the sense of self can lead to periods of dissociation.[1]
BPD splitting includes a switch between idealizing and demonizing others. This, combined with mood disturbances, can undermine relationships with family, friends, and co-workers. BPD disturbances also may include self-harm.[2] Without treatment, symptoms may worsen, leading (in extreme cases) to suicide attempts.[n 2]
BPD is often characterized by multiple low-lethality suicide attempts triggered by seemingly minor incidents, and less commonly by high-lethality attempts that are attributed to impulsiveness or comorbid clinical depression, with interpersonal stressors appearing to be particularly common triggers.[24] Ongoing family interactions and associated vulnerabilities can lead to self-destructive behavior.[18
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders fourth edition, DSM IV-TR, a widely used manual for diagnosing mental disorders, defines borderline personality disorder (in Axis II Cluster B) as:[1][13]
- A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
- Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
- A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
- Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
- Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
- Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.
- Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
- Chronic feelings of emptiness
- Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
- Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms
An example of how this manifests itself into your life- One period of time involved daily phone calls to me at 2, 3 or 4am, which were either incredibly tearful or sometimes manically happy. When I finally asked for the phone calls to be not between the hours of midnight and 6am on Sun- Thurs (work) nights, the next phone call I received was about a week later. It was from the hospital- R had cut her wrists. Subsequent discussions were around how she felt abandoned and alone.
I am not suggesting it was her intention to be manipulative and make me feel bad, but feel incredibly crap I did.
The culmination of the last fight was that R said to me "well fuck you cunt", and that triggered in me a reciprocal fuck you response, as I felt I had been going over and above what anyone could reasonably expect to be helpful (remember- this is my version of events. I acknowledge that her lived experience may have been different. Some of what was said and done is, however, recorded in a series of text messages).
At first I thought screw her, after 20 or so years of this, I've had enough. If she ever wants a relationship with me, she'd better do some serious grovelling.
Then I went into the acceptance, and realised that her condition would probably prevent her from ever doing that, and that the initial reaction/ incident was fairly inconsequential.
But then I got stuck.
What I knew was that I felt incredibly stressed out any time I thought of contacting her. Afraid that my whole life could descend back into chaos, and that if we had another falling out, I would feel responsible for any possible suicide attempts/ self harm/ jailings (R getting into violent bar fights is not unknown)/ institutionalisations.
What if she ever succeeded? I would certainly feel at least in part responsible for whatever happened. Some people have said "oh no- that wouldnt be your fault at all". Ok, I understand you think that- but YOU try living with it.
The longer time goes on though, I feel incredible amounts of guilty weighing heavily, as I have cut off a member of my family, and someone who is in need.
I still cant decide what to do, as it's a no win situation, with either side leaving me brimming with anxiety, angst, guilt and sadness.
